raybear: (red)
Because for every year since approximately 1988, I have this song in my head all day on May 1st.

raybear: (red)
So, six days ago, [livejournal.com profile] dommeyourass packed up the car and drove away to Arizona. Not for forever, just for a two-week road trip/vacation. I had a moment that morning when I realized, whoa, two whole weeks. I'm not sure its ever been that long -- I think our max was 12 days, and that was one of my trips to L.A. for school, several years ago. I wasn't feeling particularly panicky about being alone, but I was excited to have lots of free time to schedule with people and thought as a side benefit it couldn't hurt to plan ahead and not be left to my own devices the whole time. On Thursday I had dinner and a date with [livejournal.com profile] cheerfulchaotic, on Friday I had dinner with [livejournal.com profile] broqued and [livejournal.com profile] mintwaster, on Saturday morning I went to the gym with MW, then that afternoon I ran errands with [livejournal.com profile] keetbabe before going to [livejournal.com profile] vfc's house where I hung out all night. On Sunday I was a little resistant to leave the house, but made it anyway to pick up [livejournal.com profile] keetbabe and [livejournal.com profile] mrmturtle on the side of the road and we went to a graduation party with lots of people how don't have livejournals. Oh wait, it was [livejournal.com profile] sugarsmile's graduation, but I don't think she's really on here anymore. Anyway, by yesterday morning, I was sort of excited and relieved to have a whole empty week stretched out in front of me, to do whatever I want, mostly planning to read and watch movies, in between all my usual requirements (for the record, I have written, meditated, and gone to the gym everyday for the past two weeks (with the exception sundays as my off-day from exercise)).

But this afternoon, on the way to work, I started to feel it. The lack of interfacing with people in the world who are not strangers or co-workers I am mostly co-existing with, not genuine relationships. The copious spinning my brain does when left alone for many many many hours in a row. I was a bit scared about what would happen after work when I got back to the dark house alone. My dog doesn't exactly have the fortitude to calm me down, she is a worryer. There are people I could call and talk on the phone, but in some ways that felt like it would exacerbate the problem -- it would just highlight that I am alone in the house, plus I would feel self-conscious about being vulnerable to someone, i.e. "talking crazy". I'm standing inside the train station, thinking about this while tapping my foot and waiting for the train's headlight to appear at the end of the tunnel and then this came on my ipod.

having a coke with you )

And it was better. This is why its good to have dead gay boyfriends who make some sort of art that can console and inspire you in moments of being alone.
raybear: (red)
I just sent someone an e-mail saying I didn't want to go on a date with him. We haven't even been on a date yet, we've only chatted online a few times, but I figured, ok, breathe, let's do the forward, direct, courteous thing and just tell him. That isht is hard for me. It really kinda freaks me out when someone is more into me than I am into them. It also has hard for me to assert what I want and have that be ok. I just freeze up and get all panicky. Its sort of a hilarious reaction to think about in this situation, because what is he going to do, force me to go on a date with him? But we're not talking logic, we're talking emotions here, so even after I sent the very careful but simple three line e-mail, I immediately worried what he would say or do, which is ridiculous because that answer is 99.9% likely to be 'nothing'. I mean, ok, he could write back, and he might, and that will fall into 3 categories: 1) that's a bummer, thanks for letting me know; 2) that's a bummer and you're missing out for blowing me off!; 3) you're a [lots of expletives]. Wait, I guess a fourth option is he might write back and ask "is it something I said" and ask for clarification but note to self: DON'T LET ME REPLY. And maybe these e-mails will make me feel guilty and question my worth as a judge of character, but really, I think I'm finally ready to get over that.

There are a lot of things I'm finally ready to get over lately, I think, most of them related to issues of confidence and awareness of myself and acceptance. Though what I'm realizing is that many of these things, I had before, but then they kinda got eroded in these obscured and unexpected ways over the years.

Ok, I just went into my e-mail to look something I'm going to cut-and-paste here and he already wrote me back. It said "fair enough. take care." See, self? That wasn't so hard. Crisis averted.

So, nearly 2 weeks ago, [livejournal.com profile] sebastian6 posed some questions to me and I'm finally getting around to addressing them here. They've been rattling around in my brain a bit, though I'm not sure you'll be able to tell, as I'm just going to freewrite my answers, I don't have anything I'm prepared to say (I feel like blogging is really one or the other -- its a fully formed quasi-essay in my head that I'm anxious to sit and type out, or its just a meandering, organic thought parade.
mythology )

[livejournal.com profile] tracijean also gave me a writing challenge but I need a minute to work on that one before I post it.

In Other NewsTM, I'm going to Ragdale!!! I just got a phone message announcing my acceptance!!!!!!!
raybear: (sunglasses)
On Saturday morning, DYA went downtown to volunteer for the Louder Than a Bomb bouts. We ended up judging the second bout, which was amazing and intense, but the first bout was canceled because a team didn't show, so they just had a few people get up and read, and this one young poet, with purple hair who was mostly spitting about how she loves God, but the poem wasn't trite and there was a line, I probably don't remember it exactly, but it was essentially: we all experience loss, so you might as well make it a sacrifice. I've been thinking about this idea a lot since Saturday.

But that's not what this entry is about. This is about faggotry! click here. )

Whoa, that was long. Thanks for tuning in. After I do laundry, I will reward you all later in the week with a picture of the super-gay t-shirt.

May 2010

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