raybear: (Default)
I've read Fast Food Nation, I've seen Super Size Me, I get it, but still, maybe once a month, I eat at McDonald's. It's comfort food, even if it's that deceptive sort of coping mechanism that feels really really good at first and then hella worse later, like binge drinking. Today was that day of the month, and all the signs were there that it was a bad choice: I had made a wrong turn when not paying attention and had to circle back around, the drive-thru person gave me diet coke and when I noticed and asked her for regular coke, she gave me a soda that was approximately 99% carbonated water (never order the popular soda at the tail end of the lunch hour!). I get home and ate it all while watching my BBC nature documentary I checked out from the library (I'm blaming [livejournal.com profile] unscrambled and [livejournal.com profile] vfc). It was all about mammals who are "chisellers", i.e. rodents, and my favorite part was the secret camera they planted in the beaver dam to see what they do in the winter time -- it turns out they rent out property to muskrats!

After eating, I flip over the burger box to toss in the trash, and what have they added? A nutritional label. You know, the one with grams and percentages of calories and fiber and sodium and fat and carbohydrates and...it was alarming. I mean, it's not like I didn't know, but seeing it right there, immediately after swallowing the last bite, it had sort of overwhelmed me. But that's not even the real reason I might finally be kicking off this habit. After I ate, I wanted to take a nap. That's fairly par for the course, I usually doze for about 20 minutes in the afternoon before going into the office job. Now, frequently during the week I often have wine at lunch. A small glass, such that it usually takes me a full week to finish a bottle, just enough to make me a bit drowsy, but after said nap and a glass of water, I feel refreshed and alert.

Today I had no wine (though now I'm thinking, what wine would I drink with a mcdonald's cheeseburger and fries?) and I took a nap and slept for 40 minutes, not 20, and I felt like hell when I woke up. I made it out of the house, still foggy, with that syrupy dry coating in my mouth, no matter how much water I drank. I almost fell asleep on the train. I felt really uncomfortable too -- antsy, itchy, couldn't even listen to songs on my ipod the whole way through. And even though it's been 3 hours since I ate my meal, I feel as full as the 3 minutes right after. I forced myself to eat half a banana though. I'm hoping it might help my body absorb some actual nutrients.

On the train, all I could think was this probably officially means I'm no longer in my 20s.
raybear: (scream)
You know what's fcked up? I just went to create a google news alert with my grandmother's name and the Mississippi town where she lives, so I can find out when the obituary is published, because I don't trust my family to notify me until after the funeral. Except, I had already created one. There was no recent news that prompted this -- she hasn't been doing to well healthwise for a couple years now, and it's always on a steady decline, so it's sort of just a matter of time. But damm.

You know what else is fcked up? This morning I drove up to Evanston and listened to WLUW which plays Amy Goodman's Democracy Now in the morning. It's not my favorite show, I can't hear it every day (she's no Rachel Maddow), but it's way more interesting than anything on NPR or other news. So today was this guy who'd written a book on Donald Rumsfeld, and they're talking about his history, and how after working with the Ford administration (um, dude is old), he became head of Searle Pharmaceuticals. See, the Searle family were buddies of his, as fellow privileged rich north shore Chicago folks, and the company was starting to sink and go under, but they had created (accidentally) this artificial sweetener that they were calling aspartame and were trying to get the FDA to approve it. Except, studies showed it caused brain cancer so the FDA was saying no way. So they hired Rumsfeld as CEO with his politico connections to help get approval because they knew it would make them buckets of money. Except, see, Rumsfeld wasn't able to make it happen. He's no business man, he was a lobbyist, and apparently not even a good one of those. Well, not until Reagan got elected, and he booted out the head of the FDA and the new head of the FDA said, wait, it doesn't cause brain cancer, let's approve it.

Searle went on to sell its empire to Monsanto. And now we drink Diet Coke.

Well, not 'we'. I hate diet sodas. Because I don't like how they taste and I'm a paranoid freak about certain health things, like brain cancer, and the possible link to aspartame (this started in high school when my high school bio teacher taught us about the controversy). But I know lots of people who rely on it for caffeine intake or because they're diabetic, and that's just fcked up to have it peddled on us like it is.

Which reminds me of last night, and how I reached my own personal tipping point of these attorneys at work constantly making sarcastic comments about how 'healthy' the dinner is here. Now, don't get me wrong -- they aren't always the most balanced meals, but if you have moderate portions of the fried meat and large portions of salad and then maybe add a banana or apple that's usually lying around, you're doing okay, plus, really, they probably are eating out all the time at places that are no 'healthier'. It's really just anti-fat bullisht bias. Last night though, I just cracked. I had a half a plate of salad, half of plate of baked ziti, with a piece of garlic bread on top, and one of the attorneys walked by and said, "that looks healthy" (their sarcasm isn't even especially clever), and I'm like, mtherfcker, you go through two cans of diet coke in the last hour I see you, so you probably drink 5-6 cans a day, which is half a gallon daily of toxic aritificial chemicals. I am eating a plate of a food that a country in southern europe has been eating for centuries and they are alive and well and doing just fine.

Wow, I didn't realize how ranty I was feeling until I started typing.
raybear: (Default)
I just rated "The Devil Wears Prada" on Netflix, and based on my positive feedback, they recommended "Another Gay Movie" and "Boys Briefs 3". I fckin swear it. Apparently only gay men and women who like to watch gay men enjoy The Devil Wears Prada. That sounds about right.

I'm glad I'm not catholic, or at least a practicing one, because then I couldn't be eating this bavarian creme paczki for breakfast dessert. It's a pre-treat for going to the dentist in about an hour. I should probably finish getting dressed, even though I appreciate my outfit of a coffee-stained a-frame and purple american apparel briefs a.k.a. hipster underoos.

I had a dream the other night that I was attending some sort of weird "Dark Circus" that was basically like a performance/event of people who had clown fetishes mixed with some sort of goth theme party. And before it started, I accidentally walked onto the stage where there was a rehearsal featuring 6 acrobats and Marilyn Manson. And Marilyn Manson came up to me (and in the dream, I had suspected that he was reading my blog, but I wasn't sure if it was actually him or someone posing as him) and he walked right up like he knew me, even though we never met, and said, "Raymond, your journal makes me laugh." Totally deadpan. Then walked away.

Later in the dream, I ran into [livejournal.com profile] mintwaster at the bizarre performance and told her the story and she's like, oh man, you need to add that as a blurb to your profile! "Raymond's journal makes me laugh." -- Marilyn Manson.
raybear: (scream)
I sent an internal memo to myself, declaring a temporary moratorium on the following topics (in regards to this journal) as they have been transitioned into the private sector:

1. detachment/analysis regarding my parents
2. writing my novel
3. my daily practice of prostrations and sitting
4. the reading about and drinking of wine I've done to dive into my campaign to become "That Asshole"

So....those crickets you hear chirping are to fill the gap in my inability to generate something else to write about.

How about food.

I get free dinner most every night at work, ordered in bulk and served buffet style for the 8-20 people who are usually eating. There was a campaign from some of the attorneys to get a different menu of choices, and the two main complaints were more healthy options and more meat. This first resulted in having a choice of two salads, instead of one, and a side of sliced grilled chicken arriving on the side. But this week, we had fried chicken. Twice. On Tuesday it was with roasted potatos and salad. Tonight it was sort of maybe oven baked, but like, fried first, then baked with some sort of garlic cheese on top. And the only side was a fruit plate. So I had two pieces of fried chicken, about 30 grapes, and several slices of melon. I thought it was a great dinner. I'm sure there will be complaints tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'm throwing the residual ham bone into a big pot and making a potato bean soap that I'm very excited about. Winter is back with us here in Chicago, and I've become sensitive to it, unable to quickly adjust to even 30 degree temperatures. Except most every night in the two block walk from the train station to the house, I like the chill because I think about how good it will feel to put on slippers and curl up on a couch and drink a glass of heavy red wine and loll off to sleep.

Isht, I just violated rule #4.
raybear: (Default)
I saw El Laberinto del Fauno ([livejournal.com profile] mintwaster, will that title make you go see it?) on Saturday with [livejournal.com profile] drinkasyoupour, and it was pretty fcking amazing, though I honestly had no idea how intense it was going to be. It was kinda like being pushed down a long flight of stairs and getting up uninjured but dazed and overwhelmed by the capacity of human existence. Yeah, that's my weirdo review of the movie. It has a good bit of violence, but none of it is 'gratuitous', in that it all had a purpose and resolved itself in the end. It was just amazing to see this piece of creative work get pulled off so well by this director, the story was both familiar and new. I can't stop thinking about it or feeling it. I should probably stop talking about it though, at least to people who haven't seen it.

On my way into work I feel like a whole week went by since I was last here. I'm not exactly sure why my time scale for the weekend was off. Maybe because I did so much. All you can eat breakfast buffet on Saturday (I'm still dreaming about that fried chicken and mac & cheese). Movie and visit with DAYP. Dinner and dvd and reading at home alone. Sunday I got up and made breakfast, then we drove to Joliet for a wedding, then I came back and went to film group. I feel like having lots of social contact in 48 hours is what's throwing off my time scale. But I don't feel totally exhausted by it, which in these moments makes me think I'm not as introverted as I think, I just hate bullshit interactions of large social gatherings and loud bars. Unless its a karaoke one. Which reminds me, it's been a long time, who wants to go sing soon?

At the wedding, they served family-style Sunday dinner comfort food: turkey and dressing, sliced pork with gravy, mashed potatos, green beans, and pasta with vodka marinara sauce. It was pretty tasty and I appreciate the departure from grilled chicken breasts. I spent the majority of my time talking with [livejournal.com profile] lucyberliner14 and Jyldo, which was the highlight, except for moment when a bridesmaid who I'd never met before in my life, came up to me mid-conversation with someone else and said, "I don't care how gay you are, something's getting stuck up in me tonight." Awkward pause. Then I said, "um, yeah, I don't think it's going to be me. Sorry."
raybear: (Default)
I had a rather decadent sandwich for lunch -- brie with herbs, brown sugar deli ham, and sliced pears, melted on rye bread. Except I melted it open-faced so the pears were added last and still cold. I'm all about the McDLT effect in sandwiches. Actually in most food. While cutting my sandwich, because it was too unwieldy to eat whole, I was thinking about sandwiches being cut for me as a child, and I can remember graduating up from 1/4 cuts to 1/2 cuts, and how my mom always cut her own sandwiches into triangular wedges, but I wanted mine cut as rectangle. Now as adult, I slice is made in-between the two, into generic trapezoids.

I love that if you add a combination of cinnamon/clove/nutmeg to anything, it becomes "holiday-flavored". Or, alternatively, mint.

I am making oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, my father's quasi-secret recipe and I think...and I know this is kinda sacrilegious but, I think.....they are better with margarine. Not butter.

May 2010

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