raybear: (Default)
I just had one of those academic moments where you discover a new source that potentially changes the whole thesis you've written in a paper. It got critical for a second, so much so that I wanted to call up my old grad school advisors who read the original piece I wrote a couple years ago (and still hope to tweak and get published somewhere) and yell at them "why didn't you mention this well-known Faulkner story to me that so obviously relates?!?!" but then I calmed down and read a bit of it and realized it wasn't as big of a deal as I initially thought, and adding this new info won't detract from the larger message in my paper.

Then I weirdly felt pleased to have such a crisis. Not because it really is so important, but because its nice to feel like maybe there's a career destiny for yourself after all.

I need more boosts like this now, my months of unemployment are starting to have a creeping, unpleasant effect on my psyche. The repetition and rigidity of schedule and obligation can certainly be a burden, but it is also a framework to live under that can help absorb some of the rocky moments of life. This year has brought me giant waves of grief and losses, many of them just the natural result of big changes, others of the traditional brokenhearted variety, and today I was wishing so badly for a mindless office job to punch in and escape from myself.

But in the end, it was still far superior to instead take a long heavy nap for two hours, then wake up and shower to go have a coffee with a friend. I guess it is worth it to endure those moments of unbearable boredom and despair that come with too much time in the same rooms, it might even be a more direct path to sit through it, rather than indirect prolonging of the emotions I'm precisely trying to relinquish. I'm not entirely ready to commit to cheerful platitudes, as my language certainly indicates, but that doesn't necessarily remove the truth part either.
raybear: (Default)
January is usually a pretty introspective month for me. I mean that word neutrally, as well as the extreme versions that can come with it, whether the introspection leads to major life changes (breaking up, starting new relationships, starting new jobs, quitting jobs, etc.) or whether it leads to major depression or whether I'm just fcking sick and I have to lie around on the couch for days (or weeks) on end and look within to my cellular health. This year is no different, though it's a milder version, I just feel more introverted. Which is highly conducive to the schedule I'm keeping.

life, drinking during the day, why I should live in southern france )

May 2010

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