I don't know what to tell you.

[raybear]

--- EARL JOHNSON wrote:
> I'm sorry we having responded to you sooner. I
> thought Mom had written and
> she thought I had. We decided last week that we are
> going to Hattiesburg on
> the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and returning on
> the following Monday.
> Our tentative plans are to go to Utah the week
> before Christmas and return
> either Christmas day or the day after.

>
> I'm sorry I haven't called...but I don't know what
> to say but I guess you've
> thought that has been our problem all along.
> You've made so many decisions
> without me being any part of the process. I can
> only hope that you can find
> or have found the happiness you are looking for.
> You Mom and I have to find
> a way to deal with the loss of our daughter. But
> that's our problem.
>
> Have a nice Thanksgiving.
>
> Love,
>
> Dad

And this is what I wrote back.

Hi Mom and Dad,

I was planning on e-mailing you this morning anyway,
since I hadn't heard from you.

I'm flying to Philadelphia on Thursday and spending
Thanksgiving weekend with Melanie and her family.
We're flying back on Saturday instead of Sunday. If
you need to reach me, I'm taking my cell phone with me
-- the number is 773-456-6644.

For Christmas I decided to stay in Chicago and host my
first holiday here -- I know I've stayed in the city
before, but this time I'm going all out and cooking,
decorating, etc. and hosting all day for various close
friends, family, and co-workers. I'm not taking any
time off of work either, but the office is closed the
24th and the 25th anyway. I was planning on inviting
you to Chicago for the holidays, though I assumed you
would probably have other plans. But the invitation
to visit does still stand -- it always does.

For New Year's, Melanie and I are considering flying
out to the Bay Area and seeing Shana and other
friends/family out there.

You also said:
> I'm sorry I haven't called...but I don't know what
> to say but I guess you've
> thought that has been our problem all along.
> You've made so many decisions
> without me being any part of the process. I can
> only hope that you can find
> or have found the happiness you are looking for.
> You Mom and I have to find
> a way to deal with the loss of our daughter. But
> that's our problem.

I don't really have anything insightful to say to
this, but I thought I should let you know that no
matter how much time passes, I will always pick up the
phone if you call. I will always answer any question
you ask. I always hold you in my heart and love you
and want you in my life. I'm sorry if you're upset
that I've continued to live a life without you, but I
don't regret my search for happiness. I have no
intentions to leave you behind or leave you out, but I
also can't spend my life just waiting for an
occasional e-mail. But I'm not interested in
comparing who's been hurt worse. I'm sure we're all
dealing with feelings of pain and frustration, as well
as love and, hopefully, a desire to stay connected.

I will continue to write and keep you updated on my
life. I hope that's okay. It's hard for me to know
anything about what's going on at your end, since I
receive no feedback from you.

Have a wonderful time in Hattiesburg. I really miss
Mississippi and seeing the family. And I miss both of
you a great deal.

I love you.

Comments

He knows my name is not Susan.

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

oh honey. oh honey. i do love you so very much. you know that, right?

all weekend going to and coming back from santa cruz i listened to patented ray mixtapes (hip rock/hop roll was a big rediscovered treasure) and, oh, the gems that were there. some things don't change, and this too shall pass and whatta man, whatta man, whatta might mighty good man you are.

on my desk i've got the polaroid of you and dylan in a frame, and under it i taped on some fortune cookie wisdom: "Your closest friends are your true family."

i'm probably not going to owl creek w/ the family for thursday, having realized that i actually find strangers far more tolerable than vaguely concerned and well-intentioned acquaintances. but the rest of it i don't know -- maybe i'll be there with you for christmas, but either way i certainly hope you'll be here for new year's. max might come up, too (and he, btw, says hi -- we sat on the beach yesterday and talked gender politics and he's still the coolest boy in the world).

i love you, honey.

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

Wow. I shouldn't be surprised to find such admirable determination and strength of character in one of SNK's friends, but no matter how you look at it, it's still impressive. I'd love to meet you someday.

-J

[nineinchlovely.livejournal.com]

Hey there..

I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. I know our situations are obviously different, but I really do believe that things with our parents will make us better people in the end..and I know that that offers no solace for now. But this might.. I know in my heart of hearts of hearts that you are a good person and a great friend. It takes immense courage to live the life we do, but you are living your truth and you're not harming anyone while doing it (you're helping people, including me), and in my book, that's what matters.

Riley

P.S. I was thinking..sometime if you and MelRo are up to it.. I'd like to gather up some friends and have either a potluck or a cooking deal where people bring/cook food from their past (ie. fried green tomatoes) That way we can all have outlets for missing our own versions of down-home cookin' and we can learn about each other's histories sort of too :) Let me know what you think..It's just an idea I thought up today.

[ridleymae.livejournal.com]

hey man, thanks for sharing this kinda stuff with us all.

thinkin' about u.
Rids