xmas carols have become smack.
Nov. 30th, 2001 03:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raybearThe lite rock station is playing holiday songs. All day. I'm compelled, yet I feel simultaneously nauseated. It's like a McDonald's cheeseburger. The thought of throwing the radio across the room in a fit of over-emotion is tempting, except it's an inflatable radio that would just bounce comically. I also feel compelled to wear a bright red sweatshirt with some sort of holiday iron-on on the front. Why am I channelling my mother??
I forgot to mention that in therapy on Tuesday, I discussed in a little detail for the first time ever outloud to anyone about....certain aspects....of my active fantasy life, shall we say. And for the first time I did genuine interpretation and analysis on myself -- similar to dream interpretation, I guess. No, I'm not going to share any more detail here. I'm not that delusional about the nature of this journal. I'm just writing it down for when I go back later and read this, I'll remember. A genuine note to self.
When I was 13 years old and attempting to journal, at one point I started a list that might have been cheerily titled something like "reasons I'm happy to be alive" but what it actually means (I didn't write this down for fear of someone finding it) was "Reasons not to attempt suicide". Generally, one item on the list wasn't enough, but the stipulation was that if added to several other items, I could perhaps find something to change my mind in certain situations. It actually never worked -- when I would become genuinely anxious and upset, I never consulted the list or even remembered it. It was more of an activity to occupy the no-man's-land of emotional state where I wasn't necessarily ecstatic or super-content, but I wasn't fully depressed either. I've occasionally thought of this list through the years, and made some mental additions. In that tradition, I will add some more random items. Obviously, the numbering is arbitrary, since I'm not sure where I left off. And it's high, because nothing is ever eliminated. Even if the item no longers serves it purpose, I never erase anything.
687. down comforters
688. caramel and cheese popcorn from Garrett's
689. sock puppets
690. egg nog with nog
691. Mamie Van Doren
692. chicken pot pies
693. getting haircut at a really good barber
694. rolly-polly sausages
Ok, enough of that. The day is almost done. And I survived a 2 hour conference call in the process. ("That box on the form will be the death of me!!!")
I forgot to mention that in therapy on Tuesday, I discussed in a little detail for the first time ever outloud to anyone about....certain aspects....of my active fantasy life, shall we say. And for the first time I did genuine interpretation and analysis on myself -- similar to dream interpretation, I guess. No, I'm not going to share any more detail here. I'm not that delusional about the nature of this journal. I'm just writing it down for when I go back later and read this, I'll remember. A genuine note to self.
When I was 13 years old and attempting to journal, at one point I started a list that might have been cheerily titled something like "reasons I'm happy to be alive" but what it actually means (I didn't write this down for fear of someone finding it) was "Reasons not to attempt suicide". Generally, one item on the list wasn't enough, but the stipulation was that if added to several other items, I could perhaps find something to change my mind in certain situations. It actually never worked -- when I would become genuinely anxious and upset, I never consulted the list or even remembered it. It was more of an activity to occupy the no-man's-land of emotional state where I wasn't necessarily ecstatic or super-content, but I wasn't fully depressed either. I've occasionally thought of this list through the years, and made some mental additions. In that tradition, I will add some more random items. Obviously, the numbering is arbitrary, since I'm not sure where I left off. And it's high, because nothing is ever eliminated. Even if the item no longers serves it purpose, I never erase anything.
687. down comforters
688. caramel and cheese popcorn from Garrett's
689. sock puppets
690. egg nog with nog
691. Mamie Van Doren
692. chicken pot pies
693. getting haircut at a really good barber
694. rolly-polly sausages
Ok, enough of that. The day is almost done. And I survived a 2 hour conference call in the process. ("That box on the form will be the death of me!!!")
