when I grow up.
Feb. 19th, 2002 04:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raybearAn interesting (though somewhat scary) discussion going on HERE. And by the way, in case I've never mentioned it, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dannyboi is cool as hell and I like having long comment discussions with him.
The summer after coming out as trans but before starting hormones, before moving, before my last relationship ended, I helped a friend of mine move all his stuff from an apartment in Pilsen up to Wilmette. Those familiar with Chicago know that's hella far. We made the drive three times in one evening, because the car was sort of small. I listened to the Deathmatch Volume 1 tape on repeat. We conspired to live together when he got back from Toronto, and it would be a tranny household and haven, complete with a weight bench, a german shepherd, a subscription to the Source, my turntables, and our combined stereos and computers. I ended up bailing on this scheme later, a little bit because I feared his drug habit and whether we would be fiscally compatible (things I don't care less about regarding friendships, but sometimes get wussy about regarding living with someone), but I also decided it would be really good for me to live be myself for the first time (and it was).
On the drives, he talked about his transition and being on hormones. About his beginnig moustache and trying to grow sideburns. About coming out at work, and trying NOT to be out at work. He's the one that taught me how to know if someone found out if you're trans (because they were fine with male pronouns before, but then suddenly start messing up and/or stuttering on any gender related conversation topic). But I also remember him talking about how when he first came out, he was really into being a boy, and experiencing being a boy, and being boy-identified. But then he realized that he was more than 25 years old and it was time for him to be a man. I remember this part of the conversation very vividly. And I think about it a lot. Because part of me know what he means. Then part of me wonder what exactly it does mean, and why do I think I know.
For the most part, I think of it terms of being an adult. And taking responsibility. Maybe sometimes I tell myself "be a man", but I don't mean it like "toughen up" or be macho or whatever. I think I mostly mean "be an adult", but there are obviously connotations and associations with "being a man" that I can't and don't ignore. And sometimes I feel bad for accepting them. Other times I just see at as language I can manipulate for myself -- the problem comes when I'm expressing things outside of my head, i.e. to other people.
I still sometimes like to be a boy, or more accurately, call myself a boy. It seems more playful and wholesome, more fun or more sexy. But I'm not afraid of being a man necessarily. Or at least not because I want to hold on to being a boy.
I'm curious to see how this new generation of tranny boyz will grow and what sort of adults they will become (myself included). Will they become "tranny men"? Will they be like the lost boys of Peter Pan who never grow up? I don't have many role models for tranny adults. At least not FTM models.
dannyboi is cool as hell and I like having long comment discussions with him.The summer after coming out as trans but before starting hormones, before moving, before my last relationship ended, I helped a friend of mine move all his stuff from an apartment in Pilsen up to Wilmette. Those familiar with Chicago know that's hella far. We made the drive three times in one evening, because the car was sort of small. I listened to the Deathmatch Volume 1 tape on repeat. We conspired to live together when he got back from Toronto, and it would be a tranny household and haven, complete with a weight bench, a german shepherd, a subscription to the Source, my turntables, and our combined stereos and computers. I ended up bailing on this scheme later, a little bit because I feared his drug habit and whether we would be fiscally compatible (things I don't care less about regarding friendships, but sometimes get wussy about regarding living with someone), but I also decided it would be really good for me to live be myself for the first time (and it was).
On the drives, he talked about his transition and being on hormones. About his beginnig moustache and trying to grow sideburns. About coming out at work, and trying NOT to be out at work. He's the one that taught me how to know if someone found out if you're trans (because they were fine with male pronouns before, but then suddenly start messing up and/or stuttering on any gender related conversation topic). But I also remember him talking about how when he first came out, he was really into being a boy, and experiencing being a boy, and being boy-identified. But then he realized that he was more than 25 years old and it was time for him to be a man. I remember this part of the conversation very vividly. And I think about it a lot. Because part of me know what he means. Then part of me wonder what exactly it does mean, and why do I think I know.
For the most part, I think of it terms of being an adult. And taking responsibility. Maybe sometimes I tell myself "be a man", but I don't mean it like "toughen up" or be macho or whatever. I think I mostly mean "be an adult", but there are obviously connotations and associations with "being a man" that I can't and don't ignore. And sometimes I feel bad for accepting them. Other times I just see at as language I can manipulate for myself -- the problem comes when I'm expressing things outside of my head, i.e. to other people.
I still sometimes like to be a boy, or more accurately, call myself a boy. It seems more playful and wholesome, more fun or more sexy. But I'm not afraid of being a man necessarily. Or at least not because I want to hold on to being a boy.
I'm curious to see how this new generation of tranny boyz will grow and what sort of adults they will become (myself included). Will they become "tranny men"? Will they be like the lost boys of Peter Pan who never grow up? I don't have many role models for tranny adults. At least not FTM models.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-02-19 03:22 pm (UTC)i miss you. lots going on in my life and looks like lots in yours too. we should chat.
xo
alex
no subject
Date: 2002-02-19 04:03 pm (UTC)I'm curious to see how this new generation of tranny boyz will grow and what sort of adults they will become (myself included). Will they become "tranny men"? Will they be like the lost boys of Peter Pan who never grow up? I don't have many role models for tranny adults. At least not FTM models."
This is one of the most inresting aspects of FTM transness. So many FTM's kids identify soley as boys and can't picture themselves ever being comfortable as a man. I wonder if it is somehow like making up for lost time, trying to be a boy forever since they never got to be anything as a youth than a some kind of girl (at least socially and physically.)
Then again, maybe it's just because most teens/youth don't feel very adult. Most, however, nontrans people seem to come off with less of a childlike presence than transboys.
no subject
Date: 2002-02-20 08:49 am (UTC)Boy versus man. Hmmm. I'll have to think about that one. I feel somewhat comfortable with "boy" but really uncomfortable with man. And I don't think that would change even with hormones. Don't know.