(no subject)

In an unprecedented move to make my journal more interesting for myself (and possibly others), I'm considering moving away from day to day rundowns of my activities and instead focusing on longer but narrower meditation-type rants/essays/posts. however, because I'm a junkie, I can't quit cold turkey. So here's a brief calender of events.

Friday: Dined on over-the-top fare at the hotel for Bon Foster, marvelled at the bottomless wine glasses that mysteriously refilled themselves, conspired humorously with other volunteers (who may be possible hang out buddies, esp since one lives approx 3 blocks away). Favorite line of the evening: "So how did you two meet?" [brief version of holiday party story] "Oh wow! That's so nice! And now you're [begins mumbling].....roommates...?" Ah, the quasi-heteroappearing couple at the gay event.

Saturday: "Apres moi, la deluge." Driving in the rain. No pumpkins. Dinner with the Bean-o-nator and his funny freakshow-in-an-excellent way girlfriend, Vanessa.

Sunday: I hate you and I hate your ass-faces. Worked from 8 am to 1 pm at stupid board meeting. Then went record shopping with Nomad.

Work now. Writing later. I'm on 2 cups of coffee, considering a third.

this is the way we take it to da house.

Cancer Monday, October 15, 2001
You might find that working requires a certain discipline and focus that you just don't seem to have today. You might really prefer to just be relaxing and having a good time in your own backyard right now. And it probably would be a good time to just enjoy a nice, quiet, relaxing evening at home with your family.

Experienced a hiccup of anxiety this morning after receiving a phone call from the clerk of the Ohio Supreme Court informing us that we were 6 copies short of the requirement, and it must be filled by 5 pm today. We are not in Columbus, Ohio, lest anyone was wondering. Luckily we have co-counsel types in the area and the problem was taken care of. BUT the problem would not have happened if I had been correct in assessing the number of copies needed. So I fcked up. Granted, the rule was extremely unclear, but I should have called the clerk to clarfiy. Granted, it's an honest mistake that anyone else could make and has made (the New York office recently had a brief bounced because the margins were wrong). And my boss seems nothing short of chipper today, and I am in no way in the doghouse.
Except with myself.

Someone recently posted about their fatal flaw. Ok, maybe not fatal. But the point is that reading about their admission of possibly, sometimes, occasionally, conceivably being self-critical has obviously pushed some buttons within myself, since I've been slightly obsessed with it. So I guess I should stand up and say it. I can be too self-critical. Yes, I still feel physical stomach pangs when remembering/re-living mistakes made from childhood. It's obviously related to my persistent desire to be right, as well as my defensive tendencies regarding my own actions.
But now I'm seeing links to my sometimes self-destructive behavior and attitudes. Like I'd rather be an unapologetic fuck-up than an imperfect person striving to complete a goal. And that is what I fear in dealing with all the big things. Career. Family. Relationships. If I can't be the absolute head-and-shoulders above the rest best person, I would rather be the worst. I can handle with 100% imperfection. But not 20%-70% (I think I'm learning to cope with being 90%, i.e. nearly perfect. Which is still completely unreasonable to expect all the time, and yet still an improvement).
( Read more... )