keep it in the closet

So my bedroom is nearly unrecognizable because it's so neat and organized. I was thrilled and overwhelmed to get dressed this morning because I had so many options -- every item of clothing was laundered. All my pants and non-t-shirt shirts were hanging up. And organized by category of wear -- dress shirts and suit furthest back, since I rarely wear them. Short sleeved summer shirts next, since I won't be wearing them for awhile, then my pants, then my long sleeved shirts. All t-shirts were divided into three categories: white undershirts, white t-shirts with writing on them, non-white t-shirts. I then ordered the 3 categories so that the shirts I wore most frequently were on the top half of the drawer. I finally feel I'm earning my keep as a fag. I was in danger of losing my membership for other reasons, but this should help convince the commitee to renew.

Now tonight I just have to alphabetize the spices. Ok, not really. I instead organized the spices by arbitrary categories that made sense in my head. Or at least in my cooking. Things like cloves, cinnamon and nutmeg are close together. Then oregano, basil and thyme are grouped. Other than I tended to arrange based on how often I use the spice, so I don't have to dig in the back of the cabinet every time.

This entry is supremely boring, isn't it? But I'm so fcking proud of myself because I'm not the most organized person, partly because I'm lazy, partly because I don't care enough about myself and certain activities to invest time and energy in them. So for me, taking half a day to organize the mundane aspects of my life has a strong psychological impact -- it means I care, and I'm actively taking care of myself. Not just barely scraping by when doing the minimum.

Sort of like how I allow myself to be proud and cocky and full of myself on those rare occasions when I look in the mirror and think "damn, i'm hot!" I spent so many years having shitty esteem. Now I think I have about average, which could be considered above average since I think the bar for trans folks is often at a different level.

I think I'm only just now realizing how much of an impact being depressed a few years ago had on me. I can describe it like this -- when I have a headache, I yearn for the pain to end, for the refreshing feeling (usually after waking up) and having the headache be gone. I vow to remember how horrible this migraine is, and deeply appreciate all the moments when I'm pain-free. Of course that rarely happens. But every once in awhile I have moments when I do realize. Right now I'm feeling that way psychologically. Sure I still have some fucked up things going on and stress and emotional pain blah blah blah. But for the most part, I'm damn near running fully operational and have the capacity to do so much because I'm not staying in bed all day or sleeping 12 hours or eating heavy junk food that makes me feel sick. So this is one of those rare days (possibly weeks? or at least multiple-days?), when I'm so absolutely thrilled with myself, psychologically speaking. Maybe I'm still bouncing off last week's therapy session.

Speaking of productivity, I should start being that at work.

now all I get is hate mail all day saying Dre fell off.

I forgot to mention in the previous Raymond Chronicles of Functionality, that on Sunday night I completed the first exam of the recording engineer course, and I'm mailing it off today. Ah, correspondence courses, I love thee so. The test wasn't that hard, and of course there's the open book quality of the whole thing, but some of the questions were so buried in the material that one would have to read it thoroughly to find it anyway, so learning probably manages to happen one way or another. Like Blondie.

Also, I haven't gotten an e-mail from my parents as of Saturday morning, and I don't plan on checking that e-mail account until next Saturday. I'm also trying not to focus to much energy on not checking that e-mail account. Maybe that's why I've been on a cleaning rampage -- I'm channeling the energy.

I also forgot to mention the purchase of two great albums on Friday (after seeing The Mothman Prophecies with Damon -- I don't think I've written about the movie yet, but I highly enjoyed it. Though I'm glad I saw it during the day). On vinyl I snagged Sigur Ros's most recent, and Princess Superstar's album "Princess Superstar Is". I decided that Princess Superstar is actually limenal's sense of humor and wordplay, mixed with my knowledge of hip hop, and a small dash of Ani's voice/cadence. Oh, and Kool Keith's sex drive. It's an excellent addition to my collection that I'm greatly enjoying.