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cat food on the sidewalk.
Apr. 12th, 2002 03:09 pmI ate lunch during a conference call, and then just took a break wandering with nothing better to do with myself. I had no interest in perusing CD's or books, and the weather is not particularly conducive to long walks. I took a short one anyway.
All my recent health stuff related to my nutritional habits is related to a topic I feel guilty about not feeling guilty about -- unhappiness with my body right now. Yes, there's definitely the health aspects -- I was getting tons of headaches, feelings sluggish, and often having problem concentrating and with short-term memory. But I'd be lying if my other motive was to stop gaining weight and hopefully lose some as well.
But for me what's strange is the line where my body issues come from fatphobia or from gender identity type issues. Sometimes it's obvious, like if I'm not happy with how my chest is looking in shirts (I actually just bought a new binder today -- I'm going to try the gyneomastia vest from Underworks, which appears to be exactly the same as the Morris designs one, but about 20 dollars cheaper). But other times I'm not sure. Like the rest of my torso. Right now I'm feeling that my sides and ass and hips aren't the shape I want. And smaller seems like the obvious desire I'm hoping for, but not necessarily. Part of me just wants more of a buddha belly, when right not it's more of a spare tire. I sometimes want a fat transplant, not removal! So is this because my hips remind me of being female?
But I could spend all day deconstructing weird things I notice in the mirror. Not necessarily just the negative ones either (right now I'm obsessed with my mammoth bicep/should muscle which makes me look like WWF candidate), but I'm not really interested in ranting about all my little issues which cause me to find my look problematic. Realistically, I don't look that far off from my Dad, body build-wise, which makes me realize that some of my problems are NOT 'gender dysphoria' related, but they are still gender related. By that I mean, I used to think I didn't look right because I didn't fit the image of a perfect woman. So now I don't want to start thinking I don't look right because I don't fit the image of a perfect man.
Comparatively speaking, I've come leaps and bounds, head and shoulders, etc. etc. from where my self-esteem used to be.
And Tara just posted about being so sick of fatphobia, and I couldn't agree more. It's hard because I want to talk about my body issues with people who will be sympatheitc, but also won't let me talk down about myself. Who will address them as real issues, but not because they're based in reality (i.e. not reinforce that "fat is ugly"). Basically I want fat-positive, gender-positive, and health-positive support, which is pretty rare. And I don't want to reinforce the idea that "thin is better" to myself or to others if my body does change and I do lose weight (or at least it moves around, or changes form from fat to muscle). Because god knows I fcking love people of all sizes, but particularly partial to those with curves. Right now I live for the Cee-Lo video to come on MTV2 because he looks so gddamn hot without a shirt, and he's wearing this big ass feather boa!
But I think it's a good idea that more recently (in the past year or so) I see more and more big guys that I find super attractive. Because that probably means my own self-esteem will start improving, too. I am a bear, after all. At least in theory, if not in practice (and by practice I mean hanging out in the bear community).
For the most part though, I NEVER say anything bad about my body on a regular basis in front of anyone except maybe my girlfriend in the privacy of home when '"m feeling particularly negative. Because it's MY issue, and saying it aloud suddenly makes it into a judgment on whoever hears it. They either think "well, I'm smaller than him, so I'm in the clear" or "but I'm bigger than him, so he must think I'm hideous". And neither one of those are options I want to choose -- because I don't think either one, and I don't want to perpetuate either idea. So I'd appreciate if people would treat me with the same courtesy.
All my recent health stuff related to my nutritional habits is related to a topic I feel guilty about not feeling guilty about -- unhappiness with my body right now. Yes, there's definitely the health aspects -- I was getting tons of headaches, feelings sluggish, and often having problem concentrating and with short-term memory. But I'd be lying if my other motive was to stop gaining weight and hopefully lose some as well.
But for me what's strange is the line where my body issues come from fatphobia or from gender identity type issues. Sometimes it's obvious, like if I'm not happy with how my chest is looking in shirts (I actually just bought a new binder today -- I'm going to try the gyneomastia vest from Underworks, which appears to be exactly the same as the Morris designs one, but about 20 dollars cheaper). But other times I'm not sure. Like the rest of my torso. Right now I'm feeling that my sides and ass and hips aren't the shape I want. And smaller seems like the obvious desire I'm hoping for, but not necessarily. Part of me just wants more of a buddha belly, when right not it's more of a spare tire. I sometimes want a fat transplant, not removal! So is this because my hips remind me of being female?
But I could spend all day deconstructing weird things I notice in the mirror. Not necessarily just the negative ones either (right now I'm obsessed with my mammoth bicep/should muscle which makes me look like WWF candidate), but I'm not really interested in ranting about all my little issues which cause me to find my look problematic. Realistically, I don't look that far off from my Dad, body build-wise, which makes me realize that some of my problems are NOT 'gender dysphoria' related, but they are still gender related. By that I mean, I used to think I didn't look right because I didn't fit the image of a perfect woman. So now I don't want to start thinking I don't look right because I don't fit the image of a perfect man.
Comparatively speaking, I've come leaps and bounds, head and shoulders, etc. etc. from where my self-esteem used to be.
And Tara just posted about being so sick of fatphobia, and I couldn't agree more. It's hard because I want to talk about my body issues with people who will be sympatheitc, but also won't let me talk down about myself. Who will address them as real issues, but not because they're based in reality (i.e. not reinforce that "fat is ugly"). Basically I want fat-positive, gender-positive, and health-positive support, which is pretty rare. And I don't want to reinforce the idea that "thin is better" to myself or to others if my body does change and I do lose weight (or at least it moves around, or changes form from fat to muscle). Because god knows I fcking love people of all sizes, but particularly partial to those with curves. Right now I live for the Cee-Lo video to come on MTV2 because he looks so gddamn hot without a shirt, and he's wearing this big ass feather boa!
But I think it's a good idea that more recently (in the past year or so) I see more and more big guys that I find super attractive. Because that probably means my own self-esteem will start improving, too. I am a bear, after all. At least in theory, if not in practice (and by practice I mean hanging out in the bear community).
For the most part though, I NEVER say anything bad about my body on a regular basis in front of anyone except maybe my girlfriend in the privacy of home when '"m feeling particularly negative. Because it's MY issue, and saying it aloud suddenly makes it into a judgment on whoever hears it. They either think "well, I'm smaller than him, so I'm in the clear" or "but I'm bigger than him, so he must think I'm hideous". And neither one of those are options I want to choose -- because I don't think either one, and I don't want to perpetuate either idea. So I'd appreciate if people would treat me with the same courtesy.
