Unfortunately, I didn't get a little action into my Saturday night, but it was still a pleasant enough evening.
And I KNEW y'all mthafckers would choose for the anonymous sex option on that survery. To be real, I am intrigued by the bookstore and will make it down there someday....but it wasn't today.
Things I'm not especially proud of from today:
-- I rang Sweet Punk Boy to thank him for calling me again on Friday afternoon about possible shows and to find out what he was doing tonight, shows or otherwise. Possibly ask him out on a date like activity. His machine came on, and I rejoiced exceedingly. Then he picked up the phone, and I immediately hung up on him. Like I said, not proud. But sometimes I can't help it. It's completely instinctual and almost zero forethought. Much like the time I called my parents on a Sunday morning assuming I would just leave a message and not talk to them, but my father answered and I promptly hung up the phone. Luckily my instincts tend to kick in with people who do not have caller ID nor would they probably utilize the star-69 function. Okay, obviously I didn't know for sure that Sweet Punk Boy wouldn't stalk me back -- but I would just pull the card of "oh, I heard your machine pick up, so I hung up and figured I'd try back later". I mean, why would he believe me to be lying? What sort of freak would lie like that? What kills me about instances like this are the pure fire of my nervous energy. It really is not the least bit intentional. And more likely, if someone WERE to call me back and ask "did you just call me" Iwould probably say yes and not even lie.
I guess that's really the only thing I'm not particularly proud of. Though I had mixed intentions when I called up my Transfag Friend, since I was secretly hoping he would be home and invite me over to get high. But he wasn't home.
Instead, I managed to track down Educating Esme, who called me on Thursday night, at approximately the exact moment walking home that I decided I needed to call her. But then I got home and promptly forgot. I left a message with her today and gave her my cell number since I anticipated being online, and discovered that at some point I had programmed a different ring for her. I thought Damon and MelRo were the only ones with special rings, but perhaps many months ago when I first felt ambitious, I set EE up with one which fits her quite...fittingly. Sorry, I got lazy there. We chatted, decided to see each other since both of use were otherwise unoccupied, so I hopped on the corner bus which dropped me off in front of her apartment, then we went to pick up her food and get a movie.
I love her. I really do, and not just in the way that friends love each other, but in this sort of old flame way which is rather ridiculous since we've never dated. Damon went to a psychic last week who informed him that he and his Desired Love Friend where married in a past life at a very young age, possibly an arranged marriage, which is why they're current relationship is still immature. Yeah, that's what I said. I also asked Damon if they were supposedly married and married young, what happened that caused their relationship to have it's growth stunted? Did she die in childbirth? Did he go off to some battle and get killed? Apparantly the pscyhic didn't answer that, which is strange since I would have immediately thought that if I was informed of that past-life nugget. Then again, I'm a sucker for a good narrative.
ANYWAY, I sometimes think Educating Esme and I were married in a past-life. Because she does these things that should drive me absolutely crazy, and do a little bit, in an objective or humorous way, but I don't get agitated or perturbed. I just bend over laughing as if I can hardly believe she actually said/did whatever, or sometimes I just smile and shake my head. Not in a condescending way, just in a "what am I going to do with you" way. Tonight at the video store, SHE was being picky about what to see, and then busted out with "well, we need to hurry up because my veggie burger is getting cold". As if I was the one holding up the operation. We settled on Psycho Beach Party, which she had seen and I hadn't, and it was enjoyable enough. And nothing really exciting was talked about, but occasionally I would sense from the corner of my eyes that she was looking at me. But I"m not sure why or in what way. And it made me want to bust out with my question I was thinking about on the bus, which was if she were to meet me today, would she go out with me? She knew me pre-transition, and though she's super supportive, a hint of me wonders if she'll ever really think of me as a guy. I think I'm just an anomaly to her that she can't quite categorize for a multitude of reasons. But I"m really really nice to her and indulge her strange quirks and conversation topics and I never ever really make fun of her in a way that's anything but flirty and gentle and I sense she likes me doing little things to 'take care of her', like opening doors or fixing her a drink or coming over to watch a video with her on a saturday night to keep her from being alone. She tells some of the same stories over and over again, like about watching Six Feet Under with Bookstore Friend & Co. and she asks me if I watch Six Feet Under and I swear everytime we have the conversation I answer something different, but she doesn't question. I don't think of her as a bad listener -- she's actually pretty perceptive. But sometimes I think she fakes it, the way I sometimes do, because people are scared of people who notice things. They don't like to have their own words repeated back to them when they have no recollection of sharing them with you.
But if Damon ended his past-life marriage to Desired Love Friend at an early age, then Educating Esme and I must have survived all the way to the retirement home where I"m sure I did lots of "yes dear" and "whatever you say dear" with great fondness and compassion, and it's a strange dynamic to experience as a 24 year old on a Saturday night in a small studio apartment in a loud city, but I like it. I like to know that if it comes up again later in this life, I know I'll be okay with it. In fact, I might be pretty damn good at it
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