The Very Thought of You

and I forget to do

So. I suppose I'm procrastinating updating because nothing terribly exciting has happened in my life since I went to sleep last night, though I did dream about an outdoor party/bbq featuring guest appearances by both Myles and drood. And my workday is remarkably calm and quiet with one attorney out of the office. I had one phone call with Paradise Regained to discuss 'the situation', or whatever other euphemism I can come up with to remind myself what's really happening without actually talking about it. Partly because I've talked it to death in real life I have no real need to process it in the journal, or even record it, because believe me, this has been imprinted in my brain. One doesn't forget things like this.

The little ordinary things that everyone ought to do

And I suppose I'm avoiding thinking about MelRo currently engaging in a law school booty call. Actually, it's remarkably easy to not think about, which makes me think that I'm doing pretty damn well. I mean, I feel okay, so that must mean I am okay, right? There's no one here but me, so there's no compulsion to lie, since there's no recipient.

I'm living in a kind of daydream

I think I avoided writing this morning, for fear some mutant beast from my subconscious would make an ugly appearance. But now I think there is no beast. I mean, sure, not everything is perfect. I had a minor bout with anxiety yesterday afternoon, but every time they happen, they are shorter and briefer and get resolved sooner. I think. At least for me -- I won't speak on someone else's behalf.

You'll never know how slow the moments go till I'm near to you

I sometimes worry that I'm not very good at keeping secrets because I'm prone to being gossipy at times. But it's really two separate issues. I have pieces of information about myself or things I've done I've never told anyone. I have pieces of information that people have told me that I've never shared with anyone. I mean, most everyone has these things. But I never really think about it until I pull open a drawer in my mind and give something back to someone I secretly took many moons ago, something that probably looms rather large in my subconsious, even if my conscious mind practically forgot about. Sometimes I take these unshared pieces of information and break them apart and store them all over my heart, in such a way they minorly effect numerous actions and thoughts and feelings without ever explicitly confessing the truth. I'm trying to get rid of a 10 pound bag of flour without anyone noticing, by adding a tablespoon to every food item, slowly trying to get rid of the evidence, the weight. It's only flour, nothing poisonous -- but it's not really needed. Now that I've owned up to the bag, maybe I can stop dispersing it.

The mere idea of you, the longing here for you

I'm an information-gatherer and storer by nature. I don't tend to get eaten up by secrets or unshared information -- I actually sort of thrive on having such a range of knowledge with different levels of security access. But sometimes I just pick up too much. Something looked good on the shelf but doesn't work in my home. Or it's just too cluttered and it's time to let go of the silly antiquated items which serve no purpose and maybe didn't belong in me anyway.

The very thought of you, my love

I wonder what pieces of me people have on their shelves. I wonder if they think their pieces are original when perhaps I've duplicated them to others. And more importantly, I wonder who has random originals of me tucked into a closet that I've forgotten about, but perhaps they still take out the story and examine it occasionally.

where's Linda Goodman when you need her?

Some various horoscopes for today and the week. I feel like I need to pay better attention since one of them kicked me in the ass 2 weeks ago. For those who've just tuned in, I'm a Cancer. Well, techinically I'm a Cancer with Aries rising and moon in Libra. But horoscopes are not always quite that tailored.

this bit of info is for everyone:
Monday, May 20, 2002
At 9:27 am EDT, Venus moves into the sign of Cancer where she will remain until June 14, signaling a shift of our basic values and how we strive for love. We now move from the realm of talking about our values and intellectualizing our desires into the inner dimensions where we seek a quiet security based on nurturing loved ones in our lives. By the same token, we are now less inclined to be seeking options, as we were over these past weeks. Instead, we now search for acceptance, which may arrive at our doorstep without a lot of fanfare.

CANCER (for today): These next weeks can bring you a heightened sense of belonging, an expanded depth to your current relationship or introduce a new love interest into you life. If a new relationship is fired up in these next weeks, it may not be a sudden head-over-heels crazy electric infatuation. Instead, this period is about tender caring and sensitive nurturing. There may not be as much show, but the feelings run deep.

{above come from the daily horoscope sent out by Beliefnet}

Dear Raymond, here is your Weekly Horoscope for May 20 to 26:

Even though many things will happen this week that may shake you up more than you would ideally like, you will end up by feeling as though you have shed a skin that had grown way too small for you. You may not even have realized just how claustrophobic a certain aspect of your life had become until you suddenly discover that whatever had been limiting you has now left your life, or at least will be doing so in the near future. The lunar eclipse in Sagittarius will bring issues concerning your daily work into sharp focus, and may even be the indicator of an event that means you will be traveling in connection with your current job. It is the traveling aspect that may bring about more than a few minor changes. There could be some quite major ones coming along as well. But the keyword is 'slowly'. Nothing is going to happen at such a pace that you don't feel able to cope with it. You may feel very emotional without being able to pinpoint exactly why, but what you will discover is that piece by piece a puzzle is being made into a picture you can understand and contemplate with joy.

{this comes from astrocenter.com}