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Having really good conversations and moments of emotional clarity right before going to sleep make the entire nightly experience more refreshing and rejuvenating, even if it's only six hours and not nine. I even woke up in a good mood. I stumbled out of bed to find the toilet and while bending over the sink I admired myself at least five minutes in various poses.
I'm pretty hot, in case you didn't know. Though my moment of preening wasn't even exactly sexual -- it was more about studying my body and seeing shapes I don't always notice. For so long I hesitated to be in my body because I was unhappy with it (for various reasons in various times of my life) and I thought distancing myself from it would make it okay. I could reject it before anyone else could. This disconnection actually probably saved me in some ways from self-destructive behavior to which I was definitely susceptible -- I didn't even care enough to destroy myself. I was okay with just fading into non-existence.
But the more I'm present, even today when my overall self-esteem is relatively high and healthy, the stronger the connection between mind and body, body and movement, energy and mind. I've done more random dancing in the past week than I have in months. It's a silly and fun moment in the day where I interrupt myself in brushing my teeth or opening the mail to pop my shoulders and sidle up to the imaginary beat (or the actual beat if the stereo is on). A tiny indication that I'm inside of myself and not floating above, looking down.
Last night Madness Librarian listened patiently to my long ramblings about all sort of things under the sun in the past few months and said something interesting when I talked about feeling more present and appreciative of my friendships -- he said the past few months I've seemed really overwhelmed. Which is sort of odd since if you look at my actual schedule of activites, much of my fall had lots of wide open spaces. But it's true. I was overwhelmed and numb and moving like a zombie, maintaining everything: my friends, my job, my relationship, my therapy session. Sure, moments of clarity poked through at times. I'm not trying to say I've been miserably and crippling depressed for months and no one's noticed, even me. It's much more of a lowgrade feeling. My emotional base was at a lower place.
I initially thought it was just the adrenaline rush of something new, which can certainly be pretty powerful. But it's outlasted that. There's a high level of energy I've managed to maintain for several weeks in all areas of my life that I wouldn't be able to sustain if there weren't some larger switches inside myself I turned on.
I'm not explaining this correctly at all. But at least I've made a record.
I'm pretty hot, in case you didn't know. Though my moment of preening wasn't even exactly sexual -- it was more about studying my body and seeing shapes I don't always notice. For so long I hesitated to be in my body because I was unhappy with it (for various reasons in various times of my life) and I thought distancing myself from it would make it okay. I could reject it before anyone else could. This disconnection actually probably saved me in some ways from self-destructive behavior to which I was definitely susceptible -- I didn't even care enough to destroy myself. I was okay with just fading into non-existence.
But the more I'm present, even today when my overall self-esteem is relatively high and healthy, the stronger the connection between mind and body, body and movement, energy and mind. I've done more random dancing in the past week than I have in months. It's a silly and fun moment in the day where I interrupt myself in brushing my teeth or opening the mail to pop my shoulders and sidle up to the imaginary beat (or the actual beat if the stereo is on). A tiny indication that I'm inside of myself and not floating above, looking down.
Last night Madness Librarian listened patiently to my long ramblings about all sort of things under the sun in the past few months and said something interesting when I talked about feeling more present and appreciative of my friendships -- he said the past few months I've seemed really overwhelmed. Which is sort of odd since if you look at my actual schedule of activites, much of my fall had lots of wide open spaces. But it's true. I was overwhelmed and numb and moving like a zombie, maintaining everything: my friends, my job, my relationship, my therapy session. Sure, moments of clarity poked through at times. I'm not trying to say I've been miserably and crippling depressed for months and no one's noticed, even me. It's much more of a lowgrade feeling. My emotional base was at a lower place.
I initially thought it was just the adrenaline rush of something new, which can certainly be pretty powerful. But it's outlasted that. There's a high level of energy I've managed to maintain for several weeks in all areas of my life that I wouldn't be able to sustain if there weren't some larger switches inside myself I turned on.
I'm not explaining this correctly at all. But at least I've made a record.
