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The World's Not Falling Apart
Mar. 18th, 2003 10:15 amFor the second night in a row, I had a dream about going to the doctor to get on a new hormone schedule with him. The first dream involved me going for an appointment and discussing other matters, then I leave and forget to get a shot. Last night I brought up hormones, he wrote up a prescription, then after I picked it up I realized he gave me a vial with no needles and I didn't know how to self-inject.
Later I dreamt I was in an episode of Buffy and the house was burning down and I needed my glasses so I could escape to the woods with 20/20 vision. (Cue music to "Walk Through the Fire" from the musical.) I don't think this was related to my doctor dreams. I slept very hard last night and for more than six hours which was good too. I credit the proper pillow combination.
But anyway yeah, finally called the doctor's office in real life and have an appointment for today. Not so hard at all. Remember this, self. Though I shouldn't be so hard on myself -- I've never fully gotten over my fear of doctors, I've just gotten more used to facing it on a regular basis. It became a good habit but whenever I don't go for more than two or three months, I revert back to old fears and anxieties.
Today is a microcosm/macrocosm day. The events of one are enlarging or excaerbating or minimizing or trivializing the other. Contradictions, yes I know, but it really depends on what five minutes you catch me. I could be talking about the news or about personal conversations, and someone eavesdropping from one table over might not know the difference.
And last night my headphones broke and I couldn't even get that angry because I already used up my allotted rage for the day and tossed the word 'smug' around a lot in the process. And this morning, I wanted to hear the NPR reports and read over the shoulders of commuters next to me on the train, but I didn't. A voice inside said, "just wait a little while." In both cases I'm sort of just holding my breath and waiting. Waiting to see what will happen next and not pre-emptively react. Taking it in, absorbing the possible impact of all the bombs dropped, figuratively and literally.
Later I dreamt I was in an episode of Buffy and the house was burning down and I needed my glasses so I could escape to the woods with 20/20 vision. (Cue music to "Walk Through the Fire" from the musical.) I don't think this was related to my doctor dreams. I slept very hard last night and for more than six hours which was good too. I credit the proper pillow combination.
But anyway yeah, finally called the doctor's office in real life and have an appointment for today. Not so hard at all. Remember this, self. Though I shouldn't be so hard on myself -- I've never fully gotten over my fear of doctors, I've just gotten more used to facing it on a regular basis. It became a good habit but whenever I don't go for more than two or three months, I revert back to old fears and anxieties.
Today is a microcosm/macrocosm day. The events of one are enlarging or excaerbating or minimizing or trivializing the other. Contradictions, yes I know, but it really depends on what five minutes you catch me. I could be talking about the news or about personal conversations, and someone eavesdropping from one table over might not know the difference.
And last night my headphones broke and I couldn't even get that angry because I already used up my allotted rage for the day and tossed the word 'smug' around a lot in the process. And this morning, I wanted to hear the NPR reports and read over the shoulders of commuters next to me on the train, but I didn't. A voice inside said, "just wait a little while." In both cases I'm sort of just holding my breath and waiting. Waiting to see what will happen next and not pre-emptively react. Taking it in, absorbing the possible impact of all the bombs dropped, figuratively and literally.
