My neck, my back.

I could have used a more serious subject line, but one can only laugh in the face of this much pain. Or cry. But I don't like to cry at work, especially since it wouldn't just be misty-eyed crying from being emotionally moved by something, but instead wailing and sobbing and gnashing of teeth while writhing on the floor in pain.

I threw my back out. Or more accurately, I strained a muscle, or possibly several of them in my back. It feels more like the center of my back but Lowenstein's theory is it's mostly knots/strain in my lower back but it's pulling on higher up muscles to give the illusion of pain. Okay, that's not exactly what she said, but I was too busy trying not to die to accurately record everything she was saying while applying walgreens brand vaporizing rub.

Yesterday in the late morning while frozen flat in bed, I called to check my messages and make sure no one at work needed anything. Instead there were several message from MelRo, increasing in worry, because my pup seems to have some form of worms (round? ring? does it matter?) and let us know by puking them up at her apartment. Between the peeing on her bed last week and the recent puking, I suspected she'd never let my four-legged friend back into her home, though I guess the janitor seeing the dog and reprimanding her sealed this conclusion anyway.

Since then, I've seen no evidence of her being ill. She's bounding around the apartment and terrorizing houseguests and me at bedtime in the same old fashion. Perhaps MelRo just has Munchausen-by-proxy syndrome.....but I'm taking the Sophinator to the vet this evening anyway, since she's due for her annual check-up.
Yesterday was a shitty day and not just because of the illnesses. I could say more, but why? Though I did have a great dinner with dommeyourass and her friend from out of town, so I don't want to minimize that bright spot. I think I had a really good cigarette at some point too.

The legal director of our organization is resigning and planning on attending architecture school after more than a dozen years of doing gay civil rights law. This almost inspires me. Rather, I will hold this for later as inspiration.

For I'll get lost in space that goes on forever

I keep going round and round on the same old circuit

The thing I hate about patterns of behavior is you can't spot them until you're already in them. Sort of a silly and extremely obvious thing to let me bug me, I know. Last night I had this dream where I would find myself smack in the middle of some experience before realizing I wasn't acting conscientiously or intentionally. I'm not obsessed with intentions, only in acting with intention. I despise them as excuses or rationalizations for problematic behavior, though for myself it's more a lack of intention that leads to my own mistakes.

and from behind the screen it can look so perfect...but it's not

My parents never understand my intentions in anything I did. My mother allowed for them, but I'm not entirely sure she got them any more than my father did. My dad just actively questioned me more. Why do you want to be in that play? Why do you want to watch that movie? Why do you want to hang out with those people at a coffee shop? Why do you want to see that concert? I had to explain and justify everything, shape a case that would hold up in court under their scrutiny. Even until college, my last real "fight" with my father involved him not wanting to drive me back to Chicago on September 1st when my lease started since classes didn't start until three weeks later unless I could prove to him why it was necessary. I walked out of the house in the middle dinner, which is pretty unheard of in my household and family. I left on foot because I feared getting into a car I might not come back. I was later amused at how easily this shocked my father into giving into my wishes, with or without a preponderance of the evidence.

I keep waiting for a change but I don't know what, so red turns into green turning into yellow, but I'm just frozen here in the same old spot

People have been telling me for years and years and years and years that I'm too much in my head. I didn't know how to disagree or whether I was even supposed to, in part because I wasn't sure in the beginning if it was a criticism or simply and observation. But more than that, I didn't know how NOT to be in my head. I didn't where else to be, so how could I change my behavior anyway. Often in the same breath I would be complimented on my big heart which seemed to just complicate the matter, especially since I constantly criticized myself for feeling too much.

People are tricky you can't afford to show anything risky anything they don't know

But it's happened a few times now -- I leave my head and plunge into the moment. It's become like a drug, feeling I'm acting on sheer emotional bravado. Like stepping of a cliff and enjoying every second of the rush and just knowing I can will myself into flying and not hitting the ground. The confidence is overwhelming, like it's not my own but instead being channeled within me. These aren't even just moments of positive emotion -- I'm also talking about moments of pure anger or sadness. It's just the one's of pleasure and joy and love feel even more reckless and addictive.

so baby kiss me like a drug, like a respirator

I'm an emotional junkie. And I'm someone who doesn't choose to have a life of stasis. I don't want to be even-keeled and content all the time. But to have the big bad rushes, I have to take the big bad lows. The trick is not to get stuck. Or maybe the trick is to keep breathing. Or both.

And I'll believe it's you who could make it better....though it's not

It's a tough lesson in buddhist thought for me to tackle, but a necessary one: the highs are as fleeting as the lows. At first I was resistant to the idea of calming the mind body and spirit -- I thought it was about living a life of boring mediocrity, not being moved by anything. But it doesn't have to be that way at all, it's just about not holding longer than necessary to any of them. And the other lesson -- not needing to know why. Sometimes things just are, and what's right is known not in my mind but in my heart. It doesn't matter why. It only matters that I know it is.