And after the sun comes rain again.

I was doing some searches on post-anesthesia depression, based on a comment I read somewhere that sometimes 4-6 weeks after undergoing general anesthesia, patients experience a period of depression. I can't really find much information, except for on the occasional plastic surgery site, but that seems to be more related to people feeling depressed when their breast implants don't solve their problems. I did turn up lots of site about electroconvulsion therapy being used for depression and how you have to go under gneral anesthesia for it. Not exactly what I had in mine.

I think mine started early. Or maybe I'm just tired after two days of intense working, paired with anxiety about going back to teaching tonight. I want to crawl into bed and keep reading my book, staying there all day. Instead I have to go to therapy so I can tell I want to take a break. Ah, the ironing is delicious. Seriously though, since December is crazy busy plus I'm out of town for over half of it, I figured it might be good to take a little break until January or maybe longer. I've been seeing her twice a month for three years now, with each year usually tackling a different issue. At first it was transition/relationship issues, then it was transition/family issues, and more recently work/career issues. I think I'm ready to 'graduate' so that I see her only occasionally -- call her up for appointment to problem-solve specific issues. But I'll talk about it with her in session today. I guess the fact that I'm getting dressed and keeping myself moving, despite the inclination to stay in bed and be mopey and existential, says something positive and functional.

My horoscope lately has been all about romantic love and how this is the greatest month for me and I'm all 'on fire'. I don't really feel that way at all. I'm not misanthropish, there's no conflict, nothing dramatic like that. I'm just not feeling terribly romantic or passionate or even sexual. There's one line that stuck out from today's horoscope though: "Keep the energies moving or your love can turn into resentment." I'm not even sure what it means, but it feels significant. Sort of like the lemur I dreamt about last night.

Have you heard about the lonesome loser?

I was a little melodramatic earlier. It's hard for me to not panic that I'm spiralling into depression when it's really just a passing phase. I mean, I'm only two weeks since surgery, I just finished my last school packet and two freelance projects, I'm in a deficit for quality alone time -- I am tired and drained. Yeah, I wanted to stay at home in bed and read, because that comfortable and soothing. So what? There doesn't have to be a doom cloud over me.

Of course, it's easy for me to say this now that I've finished my day and I'm sitting at home with a cocktail. And finally getting off my a$$ to call grocerygetter.

I came out to the kids in my workshop tonight -- told them about chest surgery and actually said "I wasn't born male". They were floored and astounded. I mean, I thought I'd dropped enough 'hints', if by hints I mean saying "I'm a queer bisexual transman faggot". I knew they wouldn't necessarily know the word "transman", but thought it might start to sink in if I said it enough. No. They experienced shock and awe. lucyberliner14 was there to witness it, and even though the kids were totally fine, I was glad to have someone in the room to help deflect a little. We didn't get as much work done because we couldn't use the computers, but talking with them after being away for a couple weeks made up for it.

So I had therapy today and we talked about me deciding to stop going regularly. She was fine with that, as I knew she'd be -- I mean, if I really thought she'd say "um, that's NOT a good idea", I would know. I decided I would just call her up proactively to schedule times to either problem-solve specific conflict or just to regroup and refocus my goals. But I don't need to rely on seeing her on a regular basis. I think I'm going to channel some of the energy (and money) into a greater commitment at the temple, completing the meditation course and becoming a practicing member. It will serve a similar purpose in some ways, but also something completely different, a new chapter in this strange thing called my life.