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My breakfast date just left and I should be writing. I mean, a nonjournal entry. But whatever, I'm still working the muscle.
On this past Tuesday I had my final session of the Introduction to Meditation course. I really want to tell Kosu all about what I've been going through, to spill my heart and share my revelations, which I keep close to my chest for fear they evaporate. When I saw her and we said hello, and she said, how are you? And I wanted to say this:
"Kosu, you are one of the main reasons I keep coming back to this temple, because while I have so much respect and admiration and adoration for Sunim and Sanha, you have said various things during dharma talks and services over the past year that have penetrated my heart, that I continue to hold close and cherish and use to motivate my practice and open my heart and mind. And if I was being a dramatic writer, I would say, you saved my life. But more realistic is to say you helped show me how to save my own life. Thank you for sharing your gift and I look forward to being more of a part of this temple and learning more from you."
No, instead, I just say, "good! Cold. But good." Then smile awkwardly and she goes into the other room.
I've spoken twice during the five-weeks, once in the beginning when we went around to hear from everyone and once at the end when we went around to hear form everyone. Oh wait, I talked once in the 3rd week when Kosu asked people to share what they were experiencing in their daily practice. At that time and on Tuesday, I only remember saying "it was hard" or a variation of it. I talked about my struggle with discipline, with getting myself to the cushion, and once I was there I was okay, except I was still struggling to not label a sitting as 'good' or 'bad' based on how much concentration was achieved.
But after we went around, I got a pen and filled out the membership form and gave it to Sanha. And her first words were, "what about [Dommeyourass]?" and I said, "she's next!" And I talked to her for a few more minutes and she was so warm and open and at the end said "Good! I love new members!"
I left and bounced over to the car -- DYA was waiting for me, to go to dinner for our anniversary. She asked how I was doing. "Perfect!" I chirped. It's true, I felt perfect. Not that I was perfection, but that I was just experiencing absolute and perfect gratitude for everything in my day and in my life, no matter how boring or cold or tired parts of my day really were. I was on a huge high, and DYA even joked that it seemed like a chemical one, teasing me about whether I'd smoked up at some point.
Of course, yesterday and today I've not wanted to write about that moment of feeling perfect, because I was missing it. I wanted it back. I wanted to feel high and good and confident again, to counteract the anger and guilt and sadness and frustration that was invading me from other things in life. But that's not the point. No going backwards, just going forward, and I think I'm making good solid positive steps toward making those moments of "perfection" happen more frequently.
On this past Tuesday I had my final session of the Introduction to Meditation course. I really want to tell Kosu all about what I've been going through, to spill my heart and share my revelations, which I keep close to my chest for fear they evaporate. When I saw her and we said hello, and she said, how are you? And I wanted to say this:
"Kosu, you are one of the main reasons I keep coming back to this temple, because while I have so much respect and admiration and adoration for Sunim and Sanha, you have said various things during dharma talks and services over the past year that have penetrated my heart, that I continue to hold close and cherish and use to motivate my practice and open my heart and mind. And if I was being a dramatic writer, I would say, you saved my life. But more realistic is to say you helped show me how to save my own life. Thank you for sharing your gift and I look forward to being more of a part of this temple and learning more from you."
No, instead, I just say, "good! Cold. But good." Then smile awkwardly and she goes into the other room.
I've spoken twice during the five-weeks, once in the beginning when we went around to hear from everyone and once at the end when we went around to hear form everyone. Oh wait, I talked once in the 3rd week when Kosu asked people to share what they were experiencing in their daily practice. At that time and on Tuesday, I only remember saying "it was hard" or a variation of it. I talked about my struggle with discipline, with getting myself to the cushion, and once I was there I was okay, except I was still struggling to not label a sitting as 'good' or 'bad' based on how much concentration was achieved.
But after we went around, I got a pen and filled out the membership form and gave it to Sanha. And her first words were, "what about [Dommeyourass]?" and I said, "she's next!" And I talked to her for a few more minutes and she was so warm and open and at the end said "Good! I love new members!"
I left and bounced over to the car -- DYA was waiting for me, to go to dinner for our anniversary. She asked how I was doing. "Perfect!" I chirped. It's true, I felt perfect. Not that I was perfection, but that I was just experiencing absolute and perfect gratitude for everything in my day and in my life, no matter how boring or cold or tired parts of my day really were. I was on a huge high, and DYA even joked that it seemed like a chemical one, teasing me about whether I'd smoked up at some point.
Of course, yesterday and today I've not wanted to write about that moment of feeling perfect, because I was missing it. I wanted it back. I wanted to feel high and good and confident again, to counteract the anger and guilt and sadness and frustration that was invading me from other things in life. But that's not the point. No going backwards, just going forward, and I think I'm making good solid positive steps toward making those moments of "perfection" happen more frequently.
