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Entered the temple at 6:45 pm. Left at 1:30 pm the next day. Approximately 18 hours of monastic living.
Not bad for a first time. See, I'm trying to be as positive as possible, because to be quite honest, I was fairly miserable the whole time. Er, I mean, challenged. Not miserable, challenged.
It started on a difficult note. DYA was cranky about going, angry that I was making her, I was so nervous I basically wasn't talking, plus I didn't want to SAY I was nervous because then she might turn the car around and take us back home. But we pulled it together and got there despite ourselves.
We started at 7 pm. We did lots o' chanting. We sat. Sanha talked a bit about the 3 rules for the retreat, which are basically:
1) don't talk (there were scraps of paper and pens for questions)
2) don't make eye contact
3) don't be hard on yourself because it's hard to sit for a long time, we're not used to, so practice letting go often.
Then we sat again. And sat. And walked. And sat. Then slept. Then woke up at 6 am and stretched. Then sat. And sat. And ate breakfast. Then rested. Then sat. And sat. And walked. And I thought we were breaking for lunch, but no, we sat TWO more times. Then at lunch. Then we left. Each instance of me typing the word "sat" means 25 minutes on the cushion. Oh, and a couple times in there we did prostrations and doing 3 isn't so bad, but doing 36 is a workout.
I did okay with number one. DYA and I cheated a little near the end, just because we were trying to negotiate when we would leave, but that was mostly through notes and nodding. The second one was much harder than expected -- I watch people. Always. I learn by watching. I observe behavior, I study people, it's connected to my writing. So staring at the same spot of carpet and never looking up was hard. It was also kinda weird because I had a roommate, so I slept on the floor of an 8x10 room, three feet away from this guy on the bed and we meditated three feet away from each other, but I don't know his name and we never made eye contact.
And I failed miserably at three. I was not good at letting go. I was not good at holding my concentration. Well, I did okay, actually, at least last night. This morning at 7 am it was rough going. I was hungry and tired and stiff and my sleep wasn't so great -- I spent all night having vivid vision-like dreams. But after breakfast and a quasi-nap on the floor while stretching during the rest period, I perked up. And even though my hip flexors were on fire when I sat and my back ached, it's like I finally got my spirit broken and had some clear mind moments.
And the lunch was REALLY tasty. So I'm glad we stayed for that. Even though it meant staying for two more sittings than I thought I could handle.
So while I'd like to say we left the meditation retreat all relaxed and serene and with a zen mind, we left wanting coffee, nicotine, peanut m&ms, bacon cheeseburgers, episodes of CSI, and yelling at SUV drivers who got in our way of getting those things at home.
But I still learned a lot about myself. I pushed my physical limits. I learned I can just sit down for 25 minutes at the drop of a hat (or the ring of a chime) even when I don't want to, which will help with my daily practice when I'm trying to just tackle 10-15 minutes. And I keep reminding myself that it's SUPPOSED to be hard. I'm completely retraining my mind and body. It's why it's called a "practice." If it was easy, everyone would be walking around enlightened and doing meditation retreats for fun because they're relaxing and simple. And more than 1% of Americans would probably be one. I thought about this when I had a moment during sitting of thinking about buddha nature and other religions and how I suddenly craved a god who would just tell me what to do so I didn't have to work or think. I didn't want a self-help religion. But that's just cause my body hurt and I was hungry and my blood sugar was low.
Next time I think I'll just start with showing up at bedtime on Saturday night and waking up early to meditate early at the member's service on Sunday morning.
Not bad for a first time. See, I'm trying to be as positive as possible, because to be quite honest, I was fairly miserable the whole time. Er, I mean, challenged. Not miserable, challenged.
It started on a difficult note. DYA was cranky about going, angry that I was making her, I was so nervous I basically wasn't talking, plus I didn't want to SAY I was nervous because then she might turn the car around and take us back home. But we pulled it together and got there despite ourselves.
We started at 7 pm. We did lots o' chanting. We sat. Sanha talked a bit about the 3 rules for the retreat, which are basically:
1) don't talk (there were scraps of paper and pens for questions)
2) don't make eye contact
3) don't be hard on yourself because it's hard to sit for a long time, we're not used to, so practice letting go often.
Then we sat again. And sat. And walked. And sat. Then slept. Then woke up at 6 am and stretched. Then sat. And sat. And ate breakfast. Then rested. Then sat. And sat. And walked. And I thought we were breaking for lunch, but no, we sat TWO more times. Then at lunch. Then we left. Each instance of me typing the word "sat" means 25 minutes on the cushion. Oh, and a couple times in there we did prostrations and doing 3 isn't so bad, but doing 36 is a workout.
I did okay with number one. DYA and I cheated a little near the end, just because we were trying to negotiate when we would leave, but that was mostly through notes and nodding. The second one was much harder than expected -- I watch people. Always. I learn by watching. I observe behavior, I study people, it's connected to my writing. So staring at the same spot of carpet and never looking up was hard. It was also kinda weird because I had a roommate, so I slept on the floor of an 8x10 room, three feet away from this guy on the bed and we meditated three feet away from each other, but I don't know his name and we never made eye contact.
And I failed miserably at three. I was not good at letting go. I was not good at holding my concentration. Well, I did okay, actually, at least last night. This morning at 7 am it was rough going. I was hungry and tired and stiff and my sleep wasn't so great -- I spent all night having vivid vision-like dreams. But after breakfast and a quasi-nap on the floor while stretching during the rest period, I perked up. And even though my hip flexors were on fire when I sat and my back ached, it's like I finally got my spirit broken and had some clear mind moments.
And the lunch was REALLY tasty. So I'm glad we stayed for that. Even though it meant staying for two more sittings than I thought I could handle.
So while I'd like to say we left the meditation retreat all relaxed and serene and with a zen mind, we left wanting coffee, nicotine, peanut m&ms, bacon cheeseburgers, episodes of CSI, and yelling at SUV drivers who got in our way of getting those things at home.
But I still learned a lot about myself. I pushed my physical limits. I learned I can just sit down for 25 minutes at the drop of a hat (or the ring of a chime) even when I don't want to, which will help with my daily practice when I'm trying to just tackle 10-15 minutes. And I keep reminding myself that it's SUPPOSED to be hard. I'm completely retraining my mind and body. It's why it's called a "practice." If it was easy, everyone would be walking around enlightened and doing meditation retreats for fun because they're relaxing and simple. And more than 1% of Americans would probably be one. I thought about this when I had a moment during sitting of thinking about buddha nature and other religions and how I suddenly craved a god who would just tell me what to do so I didn't have to work or think. I didn't want a self-help religion. But that's just cause my body hurt and I was hungry and my blood sugar was low.
Next time I think I'll just start with showing up at bedtime on Saturday night and waking up early to meditate early at the member's service on Sunday morning.
