Who do you think you're changing?

Yesterday in my ramble induced by messages on my tea bag (today the tag just has the brand on it, no words of wisdom), I referenced a word I rarely use: neurosis. I don't really have a definition for it. I mean, I have a dictionary, I know what it means, but I don't have an internal meaning attached to it -- instead I have a definition of a category that OTHER people have used this word in reference to me (and others) and so when I used the word 'neurotic', I'm thinking of this undefined category that other people have labelled as neurotic but I label as other things like, 'preferences' or 'life'. See also the word "hang-ups". Someone once said to me "you have a lot of hang-ups" and it bothered me a lot, it stuck with me a looooong time, and when that happens, its usually because its something I need to figure out. And so here I am starting to figure out.

When I say 'trans people are neurotic', I am generalizing, of course. I don't mean it as my personal judgment, but rather I'm parroting what others have said who do say it with judgment, sometimes intentional, sometimes not. And despite me saying this is about being trans, I'm actually not talking about neurosis of the body. I'm talking about being 'neurotic' about other things in life -- like where the toothpaste should go, or needing to arrive at the airport two hours early, or needing to never back track when walking places, or needing to know what cardinal direction I'm facing at any given time, or needing to not have specific things rub my teeth . The theme in these examples is the word 'need', which again, is a possible misuse, because no, I will not die. However, there is a strong compulsion towards it (or away from it) and life is better when that is honored. So I'm thinking about people getting labelled neurotic for expressing outloud such preferences in their life and whether trans people get it more/do it more (as a subgroup when compared to the general population) and this is how I got to the whole thought of are there any trans people that aren't neurotic to some degree? (based on this definition that other people are calling parts of how I like to live 'neurotic' (and in that phrase I just changed 'need' to 'like' -- am I becoming less neurotic or am I kowtowing to public arena's perception of normative?)) and so here's my thought, complete with generalizations:

As a trans person, more people know and think and discuss the intimate parts of my body than a non-trans person, on any given day and when our whole lives are averaged out. And we have to be okay with it, otherwise we would never be able to get access to the treatment desired, both therapeutic and medical. We have to be public with our bodies in legal arenas to change name and get insurance and get county documents that replicate marriage. We have to put our body out there sooner to be sexually intimate -- in fact, we have to put our body out for consumption to merely test to see if a person is willing and able to engage how we want. We won't know without revealing (for the most part), so we have to reveal in order to see if we can reveal again (or more) -- we can never just not reveal. Or rather we can and just go without needs being met for years, as some people choose to do because that's easier for them and frankly, I totally get that. All of these things means, yeah, some 'neuroses' about our bodies. But actually, what I see among trans people, given the level of intensity of this process, is a remarkable normalcy and calmness about it, in order to survive and cope. That trans people become experts at it, become okay with it because we have to. And so, the anxiety and the need for control gets pushed to other things we CAN control, and we can satisfy them in a way that brings balance. So even if it doesn't seem related on the surface, my unwillingness to open plastic packaging with my teeth, my anxiety about arriving places late, my need to have the strainer in the cabinet with the lids and not stacked with the collanders, are personalized and unique manifestations of that energy. It's part of what I do to exist in the world comfortably. (It's something we all do too, I don't think trans people have the market on anything, but there are perhaps trends related to it.) Which means, when someone calls me neurotic, or that I have hang-ups, when really my so-called hang-ups and neuroses are actions or thoughts that help me feel in more control and comfortable and safe, it cuts me deeper than expected. Even when outwardly laughing and understanding the teasing of the triviality of it, I hold on to it. Now maybe I have an inkling why. And maybe this has nothing to do with "trans people", maybe it does have to do with just me.

She's the perfect host.

vfc caused me to squeal this morning when she sent me this link. There are many reasons I am happy to have Liza in my life, and one of them is that when there's some bizarre pop culture isht in my brain from childhood that no one else remembers and I start to think I made it up, she will remember it too. And then she will locate artifacts and send them to you.

Madame's Place made me gay.

[Note: Simpsons fans who are unaware of whom Waylon Smithers is referencing should especially watch. It's good to be aware of primary source material.]