I run to the sea, it was boiling.

The general rule these days is, "if you write, then the day is never allowed to be called a waste" and anything else I do with my time is just fine -- no judgment, no criticism in the guise of pep talks. If I go for a run AND a write? Even more so. And if I meditated, went for a run, then wrote? Hell, I could be drunk or stoned out of my mind playing video games, taking 257 naps, watching porn and eating nothing but oreos for 12 hours straight, and I would feel just fine about it all. I mean, sort of. Except I'm being a fairly responsible citizen anyways: going to work on time, dressing like I'm on top of things, I put clean sheets on the bed, I return library books on time, I eat in balanced ways, I walk the dog. All these things are providing an external structure, while I turn hard and complicated things over and around inside. Rather than stay in place, it means I move forward, in my day-to-day life and also in my internal processing. But it gets annoying. I hate that part of living my life right now involves making a list of necessary activities to keep it together, that I must constantly monitor myself like a patient. But having done the alternative earlier this year, well, that isn't so much fun either. I suppose this is just a step towards making it so these things are all natural and instinctual and easy and I'm just not there yet, but it will be. God, I hope.

Wait, this is making me sound like I am somewhat miserable. I'm not. I'm actually in consistently much better spirits and I've noticed I'm much more open and relaxed and enjoying my time with people and most of my time alone. Its just a momentary lapse in frustration that I'm prone to have in the afternoons after being in the house for so many hours. A moment that I have almost everyday. And its usually a sign for me to leave the house. But I have to wait until after noon, because the bike shop isn't open yet and today I'm finally getting a minor spring tune-up so I can build up my ass muscles again. Gas is hella expensive, too. Also, I'm looking outside and seeing the sunshine and suddenly feeling really fcking lucky that I have a job where I can be out in the world during the day and not stuck in an office.

And hey, I wrote today.