Some uber-man I'd make, I'm barely a vapor

I had a dream that I was at sinsense's house and I was crashing at her place because I was drunk (she was too, I believe) and when we went to bed, there was a possible question of us having sex, and then she left the bed and I could tell she was uncomfortable with the idea of us hooking up, but also didn't want to hurt my feelings and was waiting for me to just fall asleep so she wouldn't have to tell me. (Its funny how in dreams how my reading of tone and body language skills are amazing, i.e. I'm psychic). But I was waiting for her to come back to the bedroom so I could say, its totally fine, it was an accident, let's just go to sleep. I ended up getting out of bed and wandering around all the rooms of her apartment trying to find her, but I knew she was there because we were still having a conversation and her voice was echoing everywhere and throwing me off. In my dream, I was very sleepy and it was 5 am. Its weird to be tired in a dream.

I got up because I had to, I was supposed to meet someone in the morning, but they just texted to cancel, so now I'm wanting to go back to sleep, but there is a bit of sunshine, so I should probably do something like go for a run or walk. Yesterday at therapy, he was giving me the hardline about keeping up exercise, finding a solution to do so all winter, to help manage the cyclical/seasonal depression, and I was like yeah, yeah, I know, and maybe he thought I was giving him the brush-off, except at the end of the session, I was leaving and he said, oh you rode your bike here? On this cold drizzly day? Yes, I did. I think he realized I was maybe okay and that made me feel good too, like hey, I'm maybe okay. I felt super bleak today, but I rode my bike anyway. The physical depression feelings are there, but its like I'm standing next to them, not inside of them, unable to move.

I sold my old bike last night to a guy from Craiglist. Hey, did you know people are on there looking for stuff that isn't sex? I got $50 for it, which is about half of what I paid for it initially a few years ago, and he's planning to pretty much replace everything, so he was really just buying the frame. It made me happy to know it was going to get revamped and ridden around still. Also, while he was taking my bike for test run, I was looking at his biked on the stairs and he had a sticker that said something Ridedaily: The Antidepressant and had a stick figure on a bike inside a giant pill. Yeah, its not for everyone, but it might be for me.

So I had just mentioned two days ago my lack of enthusiasm for Raymond Carver, and the book I was specifically reading that prompted it was "What We Talk About When We Talk About Love". Today, the NYTimes posted this: http://www.nytimes.com/packages/pdf/Carver.pdf
which is all about how his editor carved up the majority of the stories and made them so oblique, and they posted the endings of the old version and the new version, and sure enough, the unedited version was much more appealing to me. But, the old title of "Beginnings" is weak, I definitely prefer What We Talk About When We Talk About Love, which is actually a favorite title of mine, no matter that the material itself, I don't love.

Note to self: when you decide to revisit Carver in a year, read Where I'm Calling From instead. (which is also on my shelf).

(no subject)

Are we a vast, and do we contain multitudes?
Walt Whitman thought so, as he wrote in Leaves of Grass. What is certain, though hard to comprehend, is that the number of possible thoughts contained within any given human brain is vastly greater than the number of atoms in the known universe.¹
_________

The presence of this insanely high number of possible thoughts sort of explains the difficulty I have while meditating. It does not explain why I managed to land on the specific thought path causing me to perform several leprechaun kicks by my desk, in front of the reflective office windows, so I could see how high I could get.

It's a little empty in the office tonight.

Also, remember how last winter I started taking sam-E? Then I stopped, though I can't recall when. I started back today. Along with fish oil and some other vitamins. It made me kinda hyper. I still am, I think, though it seems to calm down after I eat, and I have been RAVENOUS. I had an english muffin, I went for an hourlong walk, then had 2 frozen waffles. For lunch I had a veggie pattie and cornbread, though I was eating a bunch of pepperoni while waiting for the gardenburger to cook (that seems about right, as far as a defining act of my dietary habits). For a snack in the afternoon, after biking to the library to return DVDs, I had a bunch of raisins. I had a banana and a chocolate chip granola bar when I got to the office. For dinner, I had 3 chicken breasts and 3 servings of green beans for dinner. And I just inhaled a snickers bar.

I don't even feel full. Its sort of alarming.

¹:Today's entry of my Easy Answer Science Page-A-Day Calendar 2007, that I keep on my desk at work. It is the most successful page a day calendar I have ever owned, because it is science and trivia. And its kept in a cubicle, where I have precious few better things to look at every night.