If exorcise my devils, my angels may leave too.

[Insert paragraph of observations/rant/whines/vent/frustrations about winter and cold and grey and weather and seasonal misery and battling back depression since coming back from vacation. I have nothing new to say on the topic, really, so I think a simple "noted" will suffice.]

Cupcakes Malone is gone. Like, for real, disappeared. Ok, its been two weeks. But he is someone who is very responsive -- up until this point, every text or e-mail or phone call has been returned, within hours, if not minutes. He was sick before I went on vacation, he thought it was mono, but went to the doctor and said it wasn't. I sent him a couple texts from Miami and didn't hear from him, but then he wrote me on Tuesday when I was on the train coming home from the airport. He had gone back to the doctor who gave him antibiotics. And that's the last I heard. I've sent him a couple texts, an email, and even, gasp, a voicemail. Nothing. I'm feeling a bit worried and perplexed and while he wasn't the love of my life, ripped from my bosom against my wishes in an untimely manner or anything so intense or dramatic such as that, he was someone whose presence was around every week and who I miss - I liked our time together, I wanted more of it, but I'm also in the amorphous space where if he's really sick (and/or dead, which I have thought about, sadly), I would not necessarily be contacted. Or maybe he's straight up blowing me off. But that doesn't seem like him. Then again, see how I just mentioned that I don't really know him that well yet. I don't know, right now its just sort of odd and disconcerting and vague feelings of dread in the pit of my stomach when I think about it.

Its sunny and above 30 degrees today, maybe even above 40, so I will get dressed and get on my bike and maybe that will help a few things. Like get my library books returned and get myself to the gym.

I don’t mean to push the issue

Just a few weeks ago I commented that I had never been called for jury duty and then poof, I got the summons in the mail. I just called the number and the recording was all exciting anxiety-producing drawn out, like waiting for the lottery numbers to get spit up from the machine. All standby jurors.......for criminal court......with a last name of J........through M..........must.......report. Damn, that's me.

I'm equally annoyed and intrigued. Annoyed because I'm going to have to get up and out of the house earlier than usual, and then have to go to my other job aftewrards. But also curious about possibly getting chosen, because hello, I would love to be a juror. Yes, I know its tedious, its not like TV -- I have done my share of mock trials, watching trials, and I live with an attorney. Speaking of, this last part will probably keep me off a jury. I probably should have just written "lawyer" on the form, not "public defender", to increase my chances of slipping through, but now its too late. I suppose I've just ensured that I get to go to the courthouse and sit and people watch or read a book all day then get paid $20 or whatever at the end.

I watched the movie Kiss Kiss Bang Bang yesterday and I didn't love it but I didn't dislike it, or rather some parts I did one and some the other. But even though the movie is only like 2 years old, I swear it was very early 90s Los Angeles, or maybe it just reminded me of other movies from that period I've watched somewhat recently, like L.A. Story and Short Cuts. It made me sort of think about California and the mythology surrounding it, which intrigues me a little, though not as much as it sometimes seems to intrigue actually Californians. Maybe I'm actually more interested in the people who follow/create/perpetuate the mythology, than the myths themselves. But I do feel a hint of connection there, since significant moments of my life had happened there, things that shape me.

Then again, I'm thinking about place a lot. Its been saturating me, ever sense my trip to Miami. I've also been having a lot of intense sensory recall moments since coming back. Nearly every smell or taste or touch is conjuring up some long forgotten random memory. I always want to write them down, but they are fleeting -- by the time I pick up the pen or touch the keyboard, its frequently gone. They are also rarely fully formed, it would be hard to name all of them. Now that I think about it though, this happens frequently around the time of winter-spring change as well as the summer-fall change. I get all sensory overload/triggered.

Maybe....

Maybe you will go to a store see a magazine that looks like this:


And maybe you will buy it.

And maybe you will turn to the feature story on gay FTMs.

And maybe you will notice a sidebar to the story about why fags should have sex with transmen.

And maybe you will recognize the writing. Or the name. Or maybe both.