what. the fck.

[raybear]

This morning I did some searching on hostels in NYC for my July trip. I found a nice one where I can actually have a single room to myself, but I share bathroom and lounge and kitchen -- pretty much a dorm. I decided I'd rather just have the security of a definite place to stay by myself so I can have more freedom of movement (i.e. I don't have to carry my bag everywhere or depend solely on friends living in the outer boroughs to put me up). And even if I do end up staying with other folks, it's still worth the forty dollar investment for two nights. Of course, I haven't actually done any reservations yet, since I haven't booked a ticket, since I have no money and I haven't officially gotten the time off of work. But I have had several productive fantasies involving chilling alone in my snazzy dorm room in the city and saving money by eating half my meals from the corner grocer in the room. Productive at work? Hell yeah. This is reason number one why I suck right now. Well, probably that's two reasons: 1 is being stuck in fantasy vacation land, 2 is not doing work at work.

Reason number three why I suck: Rather then telling my friend that I don't want to help her on her project, I keep putting it off, possibly with the hopes that she'll just ask someone else because I'm unable to 'come through'. Why didn't I just own up to this 2 weeks ago? Because I suck, remember? That's the whole point.

Reason number four why I suck: Last night at bedtime. I don't really want to talk about it. Let's just say it involves my inability to read myself or be honest and possibly not being able to figure out if I want to fuck or be left the fuck alone. Or some variation of that theme.

Reason number five why Jay-Z sucks: Isn't "Money Cash Hoes" redundant? How can you call your self the best lyricist with such lazyness? I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Roget. Oh wait, you're already intimately acquainted because all your lyrics sound the same.

Wait, I think I inadvertantly changed topics to things around me that suck. Maybe I'll go with this for a minute.

Reason number six that my mood sucks: The weather. I'm normally the last bastard to genuinely bitch about the weather, because I sometimes find the topic inane or I just figure if I wait 24 hours it will change drastically. But fcking Chicago finally got to me. Fck you, I'm still not wearing a jacket or sleeves -- I don't care if my arms get hives from the cold.

Reason number seven that sucks: Slow tournament players on itsyourturn. For some reason its driving me crazy. Probably because I'm unable to hole-punch a simple stack fo files, but I'm capable of hitting reload a dozen times per hour in an attempt to make the time pass. Which brings me back to the reasons why I suck -- I'm completely and badly addicted to itsyourturn.

Reason number eight that I suck: I can't fcking figure out if I want to be alone because I need to be alone, or if I want to be alone becaue I'm pushing my own personal limits and comfort zones and I need to keep going because there's farther goal I want/need to reach. Obviously my craptastic unforgiving mood is probably not the proper head space to be figuring this out about myself. Chances are, any assessment will be horrible inaccurate.

Reason number nine why I suck: Because I just spend an entire post bashing myself (and little bit of Jay-Z). I just need to tell myself "not with that attitude, missy."

Reason number ten why I'm not that bad: I feel a bit better after spitting lots of this crap out that's been floating in my brain. Now I'll eat some lunch, take a long walk, and probably feel better soon enough.

Comments

[hissyfit.livejournal.com]

sometimes it's okay to "regress" from some sort of progress that one has made. it's also okay for one to take note of that regression and evaluate how one might be able to improve the next time that that situation arises. however, browbeating oneself is never really constructive. i think you know that, though. :)

p.s. sometimes when people that i care about are in really crappy moods, i make some kind of very ernest and heart-felt reply which ends up just being a huge cheese-fest. hey, at least i made you smile, eh?

[brothernumber3.livejournal.com]

reason # 8997687659079867986 that you don't suck:

you're hot, and you're cute, and you're funny, and smart, and, oh wait. i guess that's alot of reasons

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

dude. i just looked at a calendar. i will be there so very very soon. we can not-suck at our leisure.

that being all by way of saying, i love you.