Are you okaaayyeee? Look like you got a lot to say.

[raybear]

I'm feeling rather introverted, even though that doesn't really make sense and one doesn't really "feel" introverted, but it's a shorthand way of describing the fact that I want and need lots of time alone and feel incapable of maintaining decent physical or emotional intimacy in any setting except within myself.

This doesn't mean I'm in a bad mood, though I'm much more prone to crankyness. Like feeling irrationally angry about the co-worker who leave at 4:45 every day and claims to arrive at 8:30 which is her justification, but in the last week she's arrived at the same time as me or even after. I feel angry that when she arrives late she doesn't make up for it by staying late. I should mostly just mind my own business and take care of myself.

I was also angry at the dog this morning for being unreasonable and testy and sick, which is unfair and I didn't really act in a mean or unreasonable way towards her -- but I knew what I was thinking. On the train I was thinking about the concept of sickness and how it relates to disappointment and expectations and anger and care-taking. When I'm sick, I'm okay with being mad at myself or being mad at "bad luck" for making me ill, but I'm obviously not allowed to be at another person (or in this case, animal) for being ill, however, I can't even really be mad at the "circumstances" because that's pretty much like blaming the person who's ill. So where is the person supposed to dump the frustration and anger and sadness?

Don't get me wrong -- the dog's not THAT sick, and my girlfriend only has a cold, so it's not like real-life circumstances are causing major problems for me. My mind's just wandering.

So today on the lunch hour I go home to eat a sandwich and take her to the doctor and pay more money I don't have on little plastic cards that get my items I can't afford. But at least last night we finally filled out the insurance claim form and I can mail that in and someday we'll possibly be reimbursed for the trouble.

And in less than a week I will turn 25. I wonder if my father will respond to my e-mail. I wonder if my mother will call me on my birthday again.

And whenever I can't say it right, the horoscope tends to sum it up nicely.
CANCER (Jun 21–Jul 22): It feels like there are many things coming at you from different directions and it makes you uncertain as to what to do next. You can feel the solstice getting closer and you know the waters are going to become very still before the tide changes. In the meantime, you want to hide in your room beneath the covers. Of course, that won’t solve anything…and it won’t even make you feel better.

Comments

[milosh.livejournal.com]

even though i'm not a cancer, i feel like that horoscope also describes how i'm feeling today (and the past few days)... ugh. i'm finally alone, though (julie left this morning), and i'm trying to be optimistic.

looking forward to saturday, and if you're up for hanging before then, just let me know. i would be more than willing to just sit and stare at a wall with you...

xo

[supergoat.livejournal.com]

How come when you're feeling introverted, I'm feeling introverted, too?

Is it something with the moon, maybe?

the moon

[supergoat.livejournal.com]

aaah solstice.

Is that it?

un-hanh, ok, whassup....you speaking french to me.

[geechee.livejournal.com]

Are you okaaayyeee? Look like you got a lot to say.
i didn't even finish reading the entry yet but i love your trick daddy inspired subject line.

finished reading.

and thanks for posting the horoscope fellow cancer. we have a tendency to do that isolation thing more than most people i believe. it helps to clear your mind and sort things out, of course. i treasure and guard my solitude when i carve out space/time to have it.

however, I can't even really be mad at the "circumstances" because that's pretty much like blaming the person who's ill.
saw a movie on showtime last night that this reminds me of...let me go find the title...bobbie's girl (http://www.entertainmentnewsdaily.com/IMDS%7CENDPRNEWSWIRE%7Cread%7C/home/content/users/imds/feeds/prnewswire/2002/05/01/yXbXe/4259-0478-NY-Showtime-All-Ages..%7C/home/content/users/imds/feeds/prnewswire/2002/05/01/XXbXe/4319-0502-NY-Cher-Warner-Bros..%7C/home/content/users/imds/feeds/prnewswire/2002/05/01/XXb6e/4205-0457-CA-Playboy-Auction..%7C%7C").

[raybear.livejournal.com]

The moon is in Cancer right now. Or was yesterday -- I think it moved into Libra overnight, which is my moon sign anyway.

[hissyfit.livejournal.com]

when my dad was really sick, i mostly just dumped the anger and sadness and negative stuff on myself. he fell while fishing and cut his leg pretty badly on a piece of the boat he was in. when he came home, i cleaned up his wound because my mom was out of town. i probably didn't do a very good job. i was squeemish (and 13) and he was cranky. i TOLD him that he should have gone to the emergency room to have it stitched, but he wouldn't listen to me. the infection spread pretty quickly to his liver, which was already extremely compromised due to an advanced case of liver cancer cause by hepatitus c which no one even knew he had. so you see, it was all my fault. no, not really, but a lot of the time the loved ones of a sick person (even if it IS only a cold) put the negativeness on themselves because you can't realy be negative to someone who is sick. that could be a cause of your introverted feelings: suppressed negative feelings toward melro and sophie which are subconsciously making you want to seclude yourself from people.

wow, i'm either really deep, or reading WAY too far into that.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

a little from column A, a little from column B.

yeah, i don't think the sickness is the total cause of my feelings -- i think it's also backlash from having a houseful of lovely well-intentioned people (who suck away my energy).

but thanks for sharing Van3ssa (ha!). and thanks for the insight.