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raybearSo I had this group of friends my freshmen year of college. Just like everyone else does. There were a few people who came and went, and maybe I could even be considered one of them, but the core group was my roommate Brenda, our next door neighbors Sherry and Cyndi, and folks living upstairs, including Meera (who's getting married in a couple weeks and was one of my best friends in college), Teresa (who I visited in New York recently), and Caren. Honorary members of the group included Joe Murphy, who will probably be appearing on the pop culture radar at some point, and Meera's boyfriend of the time Dave Humphrey. (Both Dave and Joe were often called by their full name, which is why I'm doing that here.) By my sophmore year I started to drift away some, but not totally. My junior year I ended up living with Cyndi off-campus because we were the only ones left: Brenda and Teresa paired off, Meera was living with her friend Kate, Sherry was going to England, and Caren was going to be an RA -- she had really started to drift off from the group at that point.
Our group never really had any major rifts, only typical ebbs and flows in dynamics -- certain people would be more annoying to other people at certain times. I came and went a lot. I'd feel simultaneously relieved and hurt when left out of outings. Other time we'd have a social gathering that went smashingly, so I'd leave early before it had a chance to turn bad. It was all rather overreacting and overly dramatic. I often felt awkward and unwelcome, but looking back I don't think it was ever that intentional. I'm sure they felt just as uncomfortable for not knowing what to say as I felt sitting there, and vice versa. We're sort of a weird group, with different personalities but not enough to really be truly eclectic. I don't have a strong sense of how things really are for any of them, and they probably don't know much about the 'real' me. For awhile I thought they didn't want to know, but I think they just didn't know what to ask. After all, I'm the one that left them.
The last time I saw them as a group was near New Year's over a year and a half ago. I was mean and snippy to Meera, partly because I felt shafted since she rarely returned my calls or e-mails after I came out to them as trans. The rest of the group lived out-of-state so I gave them a bye. They all seemed nervous but good-natured -- Cyndi latched onto me a bit, and she seemed to always liked me better when I had an interesting life that was away from her and not living under the same roof. But then again, I think I felt the same way about her. It's not that we don't like each other, we're just different and aren't good 24-7 friends.
Brenda got married earlier this summer. I wasn't invited. I'm not that surprised, since we were probably the least connected since prior to graduation. I had the occasional one-on-one dinner or coffee with everyone else, but never Brenda. I was a little sad I missed out on the group gathering, but I probably wouldn't have gone anyway, since it was in podunk northern Michigan and I was bogged down either with houseguests or trying to save money for my vacation.
Last night I finally talked to Sherry on the phone. We've had a couple e-mail exchanges since I sent out notes to every one in February/March, and played phone tag, but never got it together. We talked for nearly an hour and a half, and it felt fabulous. I probably spent the most time with Sherry freshman year and always felt the most comfortable with her, which I think made it hard whenever there was any awkwardness -- we were ill-equipped for handling it since it was previously so easy.
With MelRo's blessing, I should be able to take her lovely vehicle all the way to Canton, Ohio and save lots of money on plane and cab fare. I was able to book a room in the same hotel as the wedding party -- a single room, which won't be as cheap as piling in with the others, but I like having my own room as a backup. Plus, the whole gender thing.
We weren't exactly the typical "group of girls". In fact, that might be precisely why we were friends -- we were remarkably ungendered in our interactions for the most part, but we retained the familiarity of all being 'the same'. I think I started to violate this rule way before I came out as trans, since my queer identity started developing earlier than my beard did.
I'll be curious to see how things will play out this time. I'm thinking any potential awkwardness will be cancelled out by us all be older and more settled and happier in our skin in general. At least that's how I feel. I'm actually reall excited for this weekend and to see everybody. I'm not even that big a fan of weddings, but I like free food and drink. And it's a convenient excuse to make everyone gather.
Our group never really had any major rifts, only typical ebbs and flows in dynamics -- certain people would be more annoying to other people at certain times. I came and went a lot. I'd feel simultaneously relieved and hurt when left out of outings. Other time we'd have a social gathering that went smashingly, so I'd leave early before it had a chance to turn bad. It was all rather overreacting and overly dramatic. I often felt awkward and unwelcome, but looking back I don't think it was ever that intentional. I'm sure they felt just as uncomfortable for not knowing what to say as I felt sitting there, and vice versa. We're sort of a weird group, with different personalities but not enough to really be truly eclectic. I don't have a strong sense of how things really are for any of them, and they probably don't know much about the 'real' me. For awhile I thought they didn't want to know, but I think they just didn't know what to ask. After all, I'm the one that left them.
The last time I saw them as a group was near New Year's over a year and a half ago. I was mean and snippy to Meera, partly because I felt shafted since she rarely returned my calls or e-mails after I came out to them as trans. The rest of the group lived out-of-state so I gave them a bye. They all seemed nervous but good-natured -- Cyndi latched onto me a bit, and she seemed to always liked me better when I had an interesting life that was away from her and not living under the same roof. But then again, I think I felt the same way about her. It's not that we don't like each other, we're just different and aren't good 24-7 friends.
Brenda got married earlier this summer. I wasn't invited. I'm not that surprised, since we were probably the least connected since prior to graduation. I had the occasional one-on-one dinner or coffee with everyone else, but never Brenda. I was a little sad I missed out on the group gathering, but I probably wouldn't have gone anyway, since it was in podunk northern Michigan and I was bogged down either with houseguests or trying to save money for my vacation.
Last night I finally talked to Sherry on the phone. We've had a couple e-mail exchanges since I sent out notes to every one in February/March, and played phone tag, but never got it together. We talked for nearly an hour and a half, and it felt fabulous. I probably spent the most time with Sherry freshman year and always felt the most comfortable with her, which I think made it hard whenever there was any awkwardness -- we were ill-equipped for handling it since it was previously so easy.
With MelRo's blessing, I should be able to take her lovely vehicle all the way to Canton, Ohio and save lots of money on plane and cab fare. I was able to book a room in the same hotel as the wedding party -- a single room, which won't be as cheap as piling in with the others, but I like having my own room as a backup. Plus, the whole gender thing.
We weren't exactly the typical "group of girls". In fact, that might be precisely why we were friends -- we were remarkably ungendered in our interactions for the most part, but we retained the familiarity of all being 'the same'. I think I started to violate this rule way before I came out as trans, since my queer identity started developing earlier than my beard did.
I'll be curious to see how things will play out this time. I'm thinking any potential awkwardness will be cancelled out by us all be older and more settled and happier in our skin in general. At least that's how I feel. I'm actually reall excited for this weekend and to see everybody. I'm not even that big a fan of weddings, but I like free food and drink. And it's a convenient excuse to make everyone gather.
