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"I don't need to see you, I just need to feel you....Feel you in the dark, feel you in the future."
So after feeling life crap yesterday afternoon, I took a nap on the train, got home and watched some TV, and then spontaneously decided to go for a run at 7:30. I just did 20 minutes again, and it hurt a little more than the last time (not sharp pain hurt which I know means I should stop, but hurt in the general sense of it not feeling as good as lying on my couch watching MTV2). But I felt better afterwards. I took a hot bath (on top of stretching), which means I have ZERO soreness today. Woo-hoo!
I did a reading with Damon last night, but I didn't feel very connected to it. I don't mind giving other people's readings, and I feel really open when I do it, but I don't feel that way when I'm doing my own readings.
I also finally cracked last night in regards to all the emotional isht I've been feeling the past week. I hate when that happens. I felt just completely out of control and ballistic. I took nyquil at 11, and then took half a dose of tylenol PM at midnight -- I think otherwise I might have never fallen asleep because I felt so physically worked over. I really need to learn to deal with disappointment better, and not try to turn into things like anger or blame (at myself or ay others). It's really weird when you're feeling something really intensely and think you're being clear, but I look back and realize that I had this front on and wasn't being honest with myself or the other person. I guess I didn't realize I had such a good mask constructed, especially because I feel so transparent when I'm close to someone. I forget that I still have my shell and it's easy for me to hide behind it and wish something just wasn't happening or waiting for it to finish happening. I guess I got close to doing that -- if I had just held on for one more day, I might have made it an entire week without admitting my feelings. So even though I still feel weird and raw and vulnerable for just totally losing it, it's a better end result.
Funny thing about crying....even though I do it a LOT less often since starting T, it doesn't seem quite as satisfying when I do it. I think because it's so fcking intense, so it's not necessarily a release.
It's dark and hell is hot. Oh wait, I mean it's dark outside and hot as hell in the office. Damn thunderstorm. Or more accurately, damn my lack of rain gear.
I did a reading with Damon last night, but I didn't feel very connected to it. I don't mind giving other people's readings, and I feel really open when I do it, but I don't feel that way when I'm doing my own readings.
I also finally cracked last night in regards to all the emotional isht I've been feeling the past week. I hate when that happens. I felt just completely out of control and ballistic. I took nyquil at 11, and then took half a dose of tylenol PM at midnight -- I think otherwise I might have never fallen asleep because I felt so physically worked over. I really need to learn to deal with disappointment better, and not try to turn into things like anger or blame (at myself or ay others). It's really weird when you're feeling something really intensely and think you're being clear, but I look back and realize that I had this front on and wasn't being honest with myself or the other person. I guess I didn't realize I had such a good mask constructed, especially because I feel so transparent when I'm close to someone. I forget that I still have my shell and it's easy for me to hide behind it and wish something just wasn't happening or waiting for it to finish happening. I guess I got close to doing that -- if I had just held on for one more day, I might have made it an entire week without admitting my feelings. So even though I still feel weird and raw and vulnerable for just totally losing it, it's a better end result.
Funny thing about crying....even though I do it a LOT less often since starting T, it doesn't seem quite as satisfying when I do it. I think because it's so fcking intense, so it's not necessarily a release.
It's dark and hell is hot. Oh wait, I mean it's dark outside and hot as hell in the office. Damn thunderstorm. Or more accurately, damn my lack of rain gear.