Pimping ain't nothing but ex's and dollars.

[raybear]

I was on a roll like butter at work after lunch, but then my productivity slowed down when wearemany called to talk about light cream cheese and all of my ex's being in the same city this summer and what she would say to one of them at a party. I'm talking about limenal in a passive aggressive way, by the way -- they can hang out as much as they want and I don't feel weird about it at all. But that wildcard one, who I have no clever nickname for since she's not really a Deadly Ex^TM or even a formerly Deadly Ex, she's such this foreign entity to me now. She's that person you date and when you look back you have hard time recognizing yourself which sort of makes you realize how much the two of you didn't really know each other. Which is not to say I didn't have some positive experiences or that I didn't learn a lot, because both are certainly true. But when it comes to stories, there are far more cringe-worthy ones versus warm fuzzy memories. Maybe it's just because the good times were quiet and the bad times were angry and teary.

Though the sex was pretty damn good. When we were having it. I tried to sort of forget that aspect for awhile, when I was in the "I hate my ex so I'm rewriting the history" phase. Why do I do that? I should have more respect for myself and my choice in lovers and people I date, because bad-mouthing them ultimately reflects badly on myself. I mean, we all make mistakes, sure, but it's not like I was drunk for a year and a half and thereby not in control of my choices. She's not a bad person...well, not a horrible person. We were just horribly horribly mismatched and completely oblivious to the fact as well, evidently.

Yeah, it was probably just the sex. I ain't mad at myself though.
And after my panicking on the train this morning about lack of benjamins, I did some preliminary research on selling my Akai somewhere soon, seeing as I've had it for over a year and have done absolutely nothing noteworthy with it. Then one of my credit cards called me at work, probably just doing the whole "hi, Mr. ____, we're wondering if you had a chance to send a payment? thanks." and shockingly enough they're so nice and not mean that I feel even more guilty about my delay. They always call and wait another month before I'm actually considered "late" which is pretty unheard of among the bastards known as credit card companies.

How much do I hate money? It's not even my debt, because I know if I woke up tomorrow and had everything in my life paid for, including surgical procedures that haven't been performed on me yet, I would still do things like plot to float paper so my rent check won't clear before I get a chance to pull out cash for the weekend. I feel like I never have money, yet I make more than $10,000 more a year than I did working a crappy retail job after graduating from some supposedly illustrious university but I don't feel I'm in a better economic bracket.

I went through this phase when I became slightly more fiscally solvent, that I think about in terms of "buying light bulbs". In these moments of trying to be a responsible adult who takes care of myself and my household, I would find myself buying things that I didn't need, but would or could need in the near or far future. Like buying lightbulbs in large quantities when I don't need any. Or having non-vehicle owner's car insurance. Or that album by a group I've been meaning to get into but won't be in the mood to her for three years. Or an outrageously expensive piece of producing equipment just like Dr. Dre has. Sort of a strange stupidly ambitious way to live above your means.

Yesterday at PetSmart I was buying canned food and rawhide strips which felt like overindulging treats for Sophie, even though I know chewing the rawhide is good for her teeth and also helps her chill and relax (which is a plus when I'm trying to fall asleep). At the checkout, the clerk asked if I wanted to donate 1, 5, 10, or 25 dollars to help homeless pets. I said, sorry, not today. Then I turned to Damon and said, I can't contribute because I might soon have my own homeless pet.

It's not that bad and I shouldn't be such a drama queen when I know I'm doing way better than a lot of folks and I have a lot opportunity and access to resources that others don't. Comparatively speaking, I could be doing a lot worse. I know that. I'm not ungrateful. But sometimes I can't think about just what's relative, I can only think about the sinking feeling in my stomach and hope that once again I'll bounce back without being too worse for the wear.

Comments

[kaileo.livejournal.com]

You're considering selling your MPC? Talk to me, talk to me.

Poverty bites, there's just no way around that. I struggle continually with the "being broke sucks" vs. "it could be so much worse" debate. I feel lucky that the VA essentially covers my rent, food and utilities every month -- until I remember that I'm also essentially disabled for life thanks to the Army, and that it's the least they could do.

Usually, times like these pass. Hang in there.

"You know, because, I was on the streets..."

[limenal.livejournal.com]

...I was in the "I hate my ex so I'm rewriting the history" phase. Why do I do that? I should have more respect for myself and my choice in lovers and people I date, because bad-mouthing them ultimately reflects badly on myself.

What is that stabbing feeling? Oh, it's my paranoia being tapped into...

:)

Re: "You know, because, I was on the streets..."

[raybear.livejournal.com]

I think I went through the rewriting phase with you, but it lasted like a day. OR at least when I do it now I'm conscious of doing it and correct myself, rather then doing it for a year or more like I've done with other ex's (even non-relationship ex's, just people I dated briefly).

But, while we're on the topic:
Staaaaaaab. Staaaaaaaab. Staaaaaaab.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Alright, so here's the MPC I have: Akai MPC2000xl with zip drive, and I purchased it from Musician's Friend almost a year ago. I've used it not much more than a dozen times, and I'm pretty sure I still have the box and packaging in the closet.

I don't really want to sell it on Ebay, because I don't really trust Ebay for big ticket items -- I was going to ask around town, there's a place called "saturday audio exchange" near me that might buy it. I'm hoping since it's "like new" and it's not a discontinued model or anything, I could sell it for at least $900 or so, maybe less. I haven't installed in memory cards, so it still only has about 2 MB.

Are you in the market? While I don't trust sketchy buyers on Ebay, I might trust sketchy buyers from livejournal. :P Seriously though, if you are interested, e-mail me at raybear at livejournal.com, but I'm not going to be offended or anything if you aren't looking right now!

[kaileo.livejournal.com]

I wasn't actively looking, but it is definitely something I have been wanting badly. I will email you shortly.

Oh, wait, you're looking for someone sketchy to sell to? Darn.

[kaileo.livejournal.com]

You brute, you.

[lakenaiad.livejournal.com]

I know that particular sinking feeling all too well. I could kick myself repeatedly for all the time in my twenties that I spent "being a real adult," which I was somehow convinced meant spending way beyond my means and accumulating debt that would become wildly unmanageable. All the things I would do right now if it weren't for all this debt riding me...

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Just for the record, while I may be a brute in some areas, at this particular point, I was making an "inside joke" from this stand-up comic talking about people in horror movies going to investigate noises in the house and being stabbed. It's funnier when said aloud. I promise. I'll say it one day when I come to California to hang out.

[kaileo.livejournal.com]

Please do (visit California AND say it aloud). Here I just thought you were being cruel to your poor, hapless (?), paranoid ex. :-)