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raybearI keep searching the journals of others to find what I want to read and need to write but for some reason I'm holding back, I'm sure in part because I'm still pretty sleepy and astrologically speaking today is all about water and I'm swimming around in this big cup of emotional overflow. But not in a bad way. This may get a little gushy, just to warn you.
I fall in love so easily that it would scare me if I hadn't been this way for my entire life. Since actually having relationships result from these outpouring of emotions, I've become better at allowing the feelings come out without falling into emotionally dangerous situations. By that I mean, just because I find new love for someone doesn't mean I drop my life and follow them around, placing all of my needs and reassurance and desires in their surprised hands. No, it's more about my love for others being about me and the feeling and not expectation or filling some hole or gap in my life.
I know I'm at-risk for getting into situations where I give too much. I know that even when the person isn't a manipulator, I can still get set up in a dynamic where I might later start feeling like I'm being taken advantage. But these happen fewer and far between in the past couple years, in part because I'm owning up to my own role.
I like that I can look at someone in the face, listening to them talking or even just watching them walk across the room, and revel in my growing adoration. The curiosity and fascination of wanting to get to know them more, not to possess them which is how I've previously tried to drink people in. I would be so taken, so wanting to bring them into my heart and insert myself into theirs, to absorb all the radiant qualities that I want for myself, that I'm sure my energy could be bombarding. Although I might have covered it up pretty well and just tortured myself with it instead -- I wouldn't put it past me.
I feel so open, even the midst of pain and concern. There are people thousands of miles away from me right now that feel alive in my heart. There are new friends and lovers who have already passed through my "test" of knowing they will bring me joy and fun and love and lessons and support and interesting stories, and I look forward to how our experiences will unfold and what they will bring to my life and I to theirs. There is my lover who's going through excrutiating pain for whom I gladly perform small menial tasks, not because I'm trying to earn points in the bank for payback or martyrdom, and not because I think I can fix everything, but because I know I can't heal or solve or perform miracles, but being able to fetch coffee and ice packs lets me feel less helpless and perhaps reminds her in the process that she's not completely alone.
I fall in love so easily that it would scare me if I hadn't been this way for my entire life. Since actually having relationships result from these outpouring of emotions, I've become better at allowing the feelings come out without falling into emotionally dangerous situations. By that I mean, just because I find new love for someone doesn't mean I drop my life and follow them around, placing all of my needs and reassurance and desires in their surprised hands. No, it's more about my love for others being about me and the feeling and not expectation or filling some hole or gap in my life.
I know I'm at-risk for getting into situations where I give too much. I know that even when the person isn't a manipulator, I can still get set up in a dynamic where I might later start feeling like I'm being taken advantage. But these happen fewer and far between in the past couple years, in part because I'm owning up to my own role.
I like that I can look at someone in the face, listening to them talking or even just watching them walk across the room, and revel in my growing adoration. The curiosity and fascination of wanting to get to know them more, not to possess them which is how I've previously tried to drink people in. I would be so taken, so wanting to bring them into my heart and insert myself into theirs, to absorb all the radiant qualities that I want for myself, that I'm sure my energy could be bombarding. Although I might have covered it up pretty well and just tortured myself with it instead -- I wouldn't put it past me.
I feel so open, even the midst of pain and concern. There are people thousands of miles away from me right now that feel alive in my heart. There are new friends and lovers who have already passed through my "test" of knowing they will bring me joy and fun and love and lessons and support and interesting stories, and I look forward to how our experiences will unfold and what they will bring to my life and I to theirs. There is my lover who's going through excrutiating pain for whom I gladly perform small menial tasks, not because I'm trying to earn points in the bank for payback or martyrdom, and not because I think I can fix everything, but because I know I can't heal or solve or perform miracles, but being able to fetch coffee and ice packs lets me feel less helpless and perhaps reminds her in the process that she's not completely alone.
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Date: 2003-07-09 09:09 am (UTC)does that mean we're twinsies now?
btw, I love cancers *cancerspecificHUG*
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Date: 2003-07-09 09:25 am (UTC)Wednesday, July 09, 2003
The Moon is in Scorpio today, continuing yesterday’s overall emotional tone, but spirits will tend to be just a little lighter as the restrictions of the Venus-Saturn conjunction now begin to pass. Additionally, we have minor tension between mental Mercury and physical Mars. This can push us toward saying things or taking action without fully considering the consequences, which in turn can create difficulties. If there were issues that were avoided yesterday, we may run headstrong into them today.
I used to be way more in touch with my Aries rising sign, but in the past couple years my true Cancerian nature has been coming out more. I find some people get scared of Cancers -- including myself. For a long time I NEVER got along with other Cancers, but now I'm down with quite a few.
Sagittarians are the new Virgos for me -- they're EVERYwhere in my life!
Aw......
Date: 2003-07-09 09:34 am (UTC)I hope that you go to IDKE this year, I may go with RedRider, and if you go with Domyourass, I'll get to meet you all! It will be so exciting! So many drag daddies, and so little time!
-Q
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Date: 2003-07-09 09:42 am (UTC)this statement made me both scream and laugh at the same time.
scream because i have a sketchy history with virgos (although I have loved several, they just make no sense to me ever)
laugh because it made me think of things like;
1)"orange is the new pink" "pink is the new black" and all sorts of other fashion doublespeak (i <3 fashion)
2)the graffiti in a stall at the Empty Bottle that says "fat is the new black" which I hope is another fashion reference and not something else. fat as the new black (black being a wardrobe MUST, it's so necessary, so basic, so classic and looks good with everything) makes me giggle
i have an aquarius rising and a gemini moon. I am crazy. my best friend is a cancer. I want to hug all cancers empathic little butts.
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Date: 2003-07-09 12:10 pm (UTC)oh, and if you do go to IDKE you will see *ME* there, as well, being Shtik Rik's (aka dexter's) number one fan :)
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Date: 2003-07-09 12:59 pm (UTC)I knew tons of Virgos in high school and even in college. Most of those folks have fallen away, except for one -- Poet CoWorker, who I refer to occasionally in my journal is a Virgo and DAYUMN is she a Virgo. At first they don't make sense to me, but now I think I'm down with how they work. Sagittarians were the same way -- one day I looked up and found myself surrounded by them in my life. And many of them started out as these cryptic people I couldn't quite grasp, but after getting to know many of them, I have a better handle for how they work.
I have tons of Aries in my life -- I'm very much drawn to them. Though now I'm finding all these Libras popping up. Libras are the new Aries.
At dinner last night with my astrologist best friend Damon, I talked about how I wasn't sure I'd ever fully get Aquarians. Ever. I might learn how to live with them really really well, and possibly even understand them a good bit, but I don't know if I'll ever have that moment of utter realization. But I'm still new to having them in my life, so there's time.
I also had some funny one-liner about Pisces that I wish I could remember. It was said in a moment of Cancer superiority -- something about how we may be watery, but we realize we're being oversensitive compared to others while it's happening but Pisces exist in their own world and don't know why no one else lives there. I don't know why I have beef with other water signs, especially since I do know some great ones. I'm probably just not enough in touch with my own wateryness.
I'll stop going on and on about astrology now.
Re: Aw......
Date: 2003-07-09 01:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-09 04:49 pm (UTC)Like, I like virgos fine, but there's no rhyme or reason to them. I feel like astrology gives you a good basis on how to relate to people, what kind of communication they'll lean towards etc. etc.. but virgos...it's like you and aquarians i suppose.
on a funny note, my best friend is a cancer with a lot of leo in her chart and when asked what that means once she said..."*thoughtful look*...well, I guess it means basically that you have to worship me or else I'll cry." nothing truer has ever been said.
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Date: 2003-07-10 07:32 am (UTC)we're just wonderful... that's all.
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Date: 2003-07-10 07:51 am (UTC)And yes, you're right, you're all wonderful. ;)
Will you be at T's on Friday night?
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Date: 2003-07-10 07:58 am (UTC)That was very Leo of me, wasn't it?
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Date: 2003-07-10 08:03 am (UTC)I've noticed some parallels between Leos and Aries the way there are between Cancer and Pisces. I've also learned that the whole "thinking they're the best" aspect of Leos can take different forms than people expect, including Leos have low self-esteem and needing constant reassurance because they WANT to be the best. But in general I don't find them to be as self-absorbed as some people say. Unlike Aries. Which I say with respect and understanding because my rising sign is Aries.
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Date: 2003-07-10 08:08 am (UTC)My rising sign is Aries and my moon is in Libra, in addition to me Cancer sun sign. I need to do more reading about Libras and what that means to help deal with some of my emotional shit. Espeically as a Cancer who's ruled by the moon. I also need to get back in touch with my Aries side, I think!
Will you be at T's on Friday night? If so, maybe we can chat some more and plan a coffee astrology date.
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Date: 2003-07-10 08:51 am (UTC)Hm. Too bad I don't have any ex lovers on LJ to come over and vouch for that. A testimonial, if you will.
including Leos have low self-esteem and needing constant reassurance because they WANT to be the best.
Oh, totally. We Leos run the spectrum between cocky and self assured to needy and annoying. Some of us run the entire spectrum in a day's time...
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Date: 2003-07-10 09:00 am (UTC)And, honey, you don't need to provide any testimonials -- I'm sold on the product! The fact that you're a Leo was already an added bonus. ;)
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Date: 2003-07-10 09:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-10 09:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-10 09:16 am (UTC)