raybear | (no subject)

I went out with DJ Homo last night and had another fun evening at StarGaze. He has so many cute friends, and if he doesn't start pouncing on them, than I will! Oh, and Alex, why did you let me leave you last night and NOT give you the pants?? Doh! I guess we'll just have to hang out again soon. Maybe this weekend? You can come over to my place and we can chill, perhaps?

So last night and this morning I've been thinking about missing Melanie and how it relates to my sexual desires and whatnot. Like, I'm having fantasies about hooking up with other people, and I'm thinking about playing and whatnot this summer, but then I wonder if it would really be what I want or if I would actually feel comfortable hooking up with someone if I'm preoccupied with not being able to hook up with someone else. Then I start to think about whether she's hooking up with someone in Vermont, and if she was, how would that change my feelings? Would I then make a bigger effort to fool around so that things would be equal? It's so weird when I'm overcome by these waves of feeling needy and than I project it onto my relationship as it relates to trust and monogamy. I suddenly start to doubt the trust and security of my relationship and fear that she won't want to be with me after fooling around with someone else....and vice versa.....I wasn't feeling this way before! I need to reconnect with my faith and trust and ethical slutness and if I want to have sex with someone other than my g.e., it's okay, and if I don't, it's okay. And same for her. I guess what's happening is my missing her has mutated into the ugly monster of jealously which is fairly ridiculous considering there's nothing of which to be jealous. So I need to address my feelings of insecurity and missing and figure out who I am and what I want.
I guess it's weird too, because I want to be talking about this with her right now, but there's not a lot of availability for that. Hopefully next week. In the meantime I'll just run it over in my head again and again until I'm just exhausted and let it go.

And in other stressful news, my clever credit card plan didn't go through as expected. So I need to revamp my money issues and budget and all that fun stuff. AND I need to figure out how I'm going to have money to fly places and pay a security deposit. Argh. I fcking hate money. For the next month I'm going to nearly free activities. And I'm going to start selling isht. Like my old ass laptop, books, maybe even CD's and video games. I might try to do the Ebay thing, but I'm not sure how much trouble it is.

Argh.

I'm going back to work to help relieve my stress. What's that about?