When it comes to being lucky, he's cursed.

[raybear]

On the first evening of orientation, before the residency fully started, we got this littl spiel from the chairs and core faculty about expectations and whatnot. You know, an orientation. They talked about the emotional stress of the experience and how it's not uncommon for a student to find themselves crying uncontrollably in the midst of the experience. I remember thinking sympathetically about people doing that, but had sort of a "yeah right" attitude about it.

I have not yet found myself crying uncontrollably. But the idea sounds good to me right now.


Strangely (or not so strangely) enough, I'm also highly aroused. Not in a "constantly thinking about sex" way but more I just feel physical sexual energy in high amounts, directly proportional to how high my creative energy is flowing. Yesterday and today have been pretty phenomenol. I had two seminars yesterday, both good, but one was particularly mindblowing, which I didn't even realize until I woke up thinking about the concepts. At 9 am I have my final writing workshop and my work got critiqued. I was a little nervous, but not too much so, since I felt comfortable with everyone in the group and every has been positive and constructive. But I had no idea how high I would feel afterwards -- not because the session had excessive praise, because it didn't, but because it generated so many great ideas on how to improve the piece. The writing itself is super super rough and needs lots of help, but they loved the ideas, the characters, and THAT felt amazing. Sure, it doesn't feel great to have someone be confused by my syntax or my tense problem (I have a hard time writing consistently in one tense on the first...and second...draft), but I don't feel as attached to my words as I do my concepts and ideas. I'd much rather have someone tell me "great story, i want you to tell it better" than just "very well written, techinically, but I don't know why you're writing or I couldn't care less about the situation". Ideally I'd have both, but given a choice, I'll take the former.

Despite my high libido this week, I've had little interest in doing anything about it. I'm much more interested in sex with myself (hi, narcissistic writer syndrome?), but I also think it has to do with lots of factors. 1) not tons of prospects, since most of the students here I'd pursue are 'married' in some form; and 2) I'm feeling fairly vulnerable in exposing my writing and ideas, so the idea of being physically vulnerable as well is too much. Which is not to say I haven't had lots of conversations about sex, because I have. They just haven't been very sexy or flirty.

I know dommeyourass has had a highly sexual experience while I'm gone, and at first it felt a little unbalanced....except not once I took a step back. Because I'm having a fabulous time and nurturing part of my personality and brain that doesn't get attention during my everyday life. I can be so highly sexual in my everyday Chicago life, in some ways it's nice to take a break and just focus on me and what's going on internally, creatively and in a career sense. I mean, I certainly miss sex with her (and all other physical contact), but I'm not necessarily missing "sex with another person" as a general entity.


Even after writing all this, I still feel on the verge of emotional overdose, in that my preferred activity would be to curl up in bed and not talk to anyone. Instead I'm hiding in a computer lab until one last required class in an hour. Maybe I should take a walk. And think about the story I heard of a student last semester who tore up the restroom after they didn't get the mentor they wanted. I'm quite frightened by people who have anger management problems, yet I'm fascinated by the actual tantrums themselves.

I forgot to write about the seminar from yesterday, but I'm not even sure how. Basically it was about conscsiousness and moving through time and space and our conscious abilities and how that comes out in writing and point of view and storytelling. And it sounds really boring when put this way, but really, I feel like I have an epiphany or two. Good thing I took notes to help me remember.

Comments

[justshannon.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that this has been a good experience for you. As intense as it sounds, it has to fucking rock to "feel" that much.

[magdalene1.livejournal.com]

I keep crying every time I have to show the rest of the class my films. HATE! But I understand it - part of becoming an artist means peeling off a lot of layers of protection, so that the feelings are just "out there."

I miss you! Are you back in town on 1/31? I'm throwing a 30th birthday party, and it involves karaoke, and you and your girl are invited.