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I'm just an animal looking for a home...and you love me till my heart stops.
I love Talking Heads.
In other news, I"m coming out of the closet as soft rock junkie. It's not so much that I like it -- it's more like comfort food.
Now that that's out of the way....
Last night I was at the bookstore talking to Li___ when I looked up and Ka___ was standing at the counter, picking up a book she ordered. Ti__ was ringing her up. I said hi, turned and finished my convo with Li__, then turned back and tried to talk to Ka___ (esp since I just e-mailed her). She acted really preoccupied and quiet, barely answered my questions and didn't ask anything of me (I hate it when that happens -- does it kill people to be polite and say "so how are you?" Am I just too Southern and therefore too polite? Don't you know the meaning of propriety??? -- Madeline Kahn, from What's Up Doc? ). So anyway, I just sort of turned away from Karen and walked over to talk to Ti__'s boyfriend who I hadn't seen in awhile. We were standing there chatting about 20 feet away from her, and I just kept my back turned enough so I wouldn't even be tempted to shift my eyes to where she was standing. Co___ told me later that Ka___ stood there for a minute, watching me, trying to get my attention (?), and then gave up and left. Why don't people just act normal? I understand that we're ex's and I'm not asking her to be my friend or be overly enthusiastic about seeing me or anything. I just ask that she treat me normally and say things like "hey how's it going? thanks for asking. have a nice weekend." There's something to be said for idle chitchat. It normalizes interactions. I don't require it of my real friends -- they can be as weird or funky or creepy or offbeat as they want and I don't care. In fact I prefer it. So anyway, I bitched about that to Co___ for awhile, and even explained to her the whole saga of the e-mails last winter and how I needed the whole closure so I sent her a goodbye/goodluck/thanks for the memories e-mail and she replied with a note that said "call me if you want to talk". Wha? Nope, I already said everything. Hmm.
I guess it's weird because two of my prvious ex's (Da___ and Sh___) later became close friends/family type people in my life. And that wasn't planned -- it just happened. And I'm not even wanting Ka___ to be a significant person in my life. I just want her to treat me normally. Oh well. After I move, she'll be gone and I could conceivably never see her again.
After work, Co___ and I went out for a drink. I was fully intending to go home, but then I suddenly had an urge to hang out some, and she seemed a bit bored/down and easily accepted my offer for a beer. We had a great talk at the bar, about media and pop culture and kids (she's taking a course right now about ethics -- she's in masters program in education), then we talked about family stuff. I had never really known much about her upbringing, and we have some similar experiences as far as dealing with parental issues as an adult, and both living much of our adolescence in a cloud of "my family was great and functional" ad then later realizing the fcked up isht that happened. Ok, I'm sure this is over half the population in general, but there were some more specific things we had in common too. We also talked about whether she wanted to have kids, and the whole idea of biological clocks and such. She's been sort of down lately about wanting to date and go out socially, but not really finding guys she's interested in and vice versa. Then something sort of funny and unexpected happened -- I pretty much told her about how I had a crush on her when we first started hanging out, and we even talked about how the first time we went to a movie and dinner, she wondered if it was sort of a date (we went to this fairly nice restaurant). I even talked about how my crush on her related to my own journey of figuring out my sexaulity and gender identity. AND I even confessed that when I came out to her as trans, the crush sort of came back and that I had been interested in her, but was never sure what she felt (plus, I had my own isht to wrap up, like ending my previous relationship....). Now the context for telling her all of this was an analysis of why she has a hard time dating guys, and I was telling her that she sometimes gives off a vibe of being independent and aloof, and when she doesn't, it's sort of mixed signals. Like I told her that sometimes I thought she was interested as more than a friend, but other times I couldn't tell. She didn't really address this issue, which is fine with me, because my purpose for telling her was not to get with her -- I genuinely just wanted to let her know that people do find her interesting and attractive. I guess I just wanted to make her feel good (or better) about herself. And I think it worked, so that made me happy. I really care about her, and I'm glad that she's in my life. She is one of those friends that I sort always have a mini-torch burning -- not like I secretly wish we were together or that I'm dying to get in her bed. But I guess I could explain it as....it's almost like we're ex-lovers, and I sometimes feel like I know her intimately but not in a partner way. This makes no sense, i'm sure. I guess I'm very fond of her, and I still get an urge to "take care of her" the way I would someone I was dating or crushing on. And I have this feeling with other friends too -- like Lau___ and even Damon, in a different way. I don't know.
Anyway, we chatted for about an hour and a half, I walked her to her door (which was 5 feet away!), gave her a big hug, and then enjoyed the walk home. The weather was perfect, and I just felt like I had a great interaction with a friend. You know those moments when you can tell the relationship just got further solidified or moved to a different level?
Alright, Al___ just walked in the door with my baby nephew! Gotta go....
In other news, I"m coming out of the closet as soft rock junkie. It's not so much that I like it -- it's more like comfort food.
Now that that's out of the way....
Last night I was at the bookstore talking to Li___ when I looked up and Ka___ was standing at the counter, picking up a book she ordered. Ti__ was ringing her up. I said hi, turned and finished my convo with Li__, then turned back and tried to talk to Ka___ (esp since I just e-mailed her). She acted really preoccupied and quiet, barely answered my questions and didn't ask anything of me (I hate it when that happens -- does it kill people to be polite and say "so how are you?" Am I just too Southern and therefore too polite? Don't you know the meaning of propriety??? -- Madeline Kahn, from What's Up Doc? ). So anyway, I just sort of turned away from Karen and walked over to talk to Ti__'s boyfriend who I hadn't seen in awhile. We were standing there chatting about 20 feet away from her, and I just kept my back turned enough so I wouldn't even be tempted to shift my eyes to where she was standing. Co___ told me later that Ka___ stood there for a minute, watching me, trying to get my attention (?), and then gave up and left. Why don't people just act normal? I understand that we're ex's and I'm not asking her to be my friend or be overly enthusiastic about seeing me or anything. I just ask that she treat me normally and say things like "hey how's it going? thanks for asking. have a nice weekend." There's something to be said for idle chitchat. It normalizes interactions. I don't require it of my real friends -- they can be as weird or funky or creepy or offbeat as they want and I don't care. In fact I prefer it. So anyway, I bitched about that to Co___ for awhile, and even explained to her the whole saga of the e-mails last winter and how I needed the whole closure so I sent her a goodbye/goodluck/thanks for the memories e-mail and she replied with a note that said "call me if you want to talk". Wha? Nope, I already said everything. Hmm.
I guess it's weird because two of my prvious ex's (Da___ and Sh___) later became close friends/family type people in my life. And that wasn't planned -- it just happened. And I'm not even wanting Ka___ to be a significant person in my life. I just want her to treat me normally. Oh well. After I move, she'll be gone and I could conceivably never see her again.
After work, Co___ and I went out for a drink. I was fully intending to go home, but then I suddenly had an urge to hang out some, and she seemed a bit bored/down and easily accepted my offer for a beer. We had a great talk at the bar, about media and pop culture and kids (she's taking a course right now about ethics -- she's in masters program in education), then we talked about family stuff. I had never really known much about her upbringing, and we have some similar experiences as far as dealing with parental issues as an adult, and both living much of our adolescence in a cloud of "my family was great and functional" ad then later realizing the fcked up isht that happened. Ok, I'm sure this is over half the population in general, but there were some more specific things we had in common too. We also talked about whether she wanted to have kids, and the whole idea of biological clocks and such. She's been sort of down lately about wanting to date and go out socially, but not really finding guys she's interested in and vice versa. Then something sort of funny and unexpected happened -- I pretty much told her about how I had a crush on her when we first started hanging out, and we even talked about how the first time we went to a movie and dinner, she wondered if it was sort of a date (we went to this fairly nice restaurant). I even talked about how my crush on her related to my own journey of figuring out my sexaulity and gender identity. AND I even confessed that when I came out to her as trans, the crush sort of came back and that I had been interested in her, but was never sure what she felt (plus, I had my own isht to wrap up, like ending my previous relationship....). Now the context for telling her all of this was an analysis of why she has a hard time dating guys, and I was telling her that she sometimes gives off a vibe of being independent and aloof, and when she doesn't, it's sort of mixed signals. Like I told her that sometimes I thought she was interested as more than a friend, but other times I couldn't tell. She didn't really address this issue, which is fine with me, because my purpose for telling her was not to get with her -- I genuinely just wanted to let her know that people do find her interesting and attractive. I guess I just wanted to make her feel good (or better) about herself. And I think it worked, so that made me happy. I really care about her, and I'm glad that she's in my life. She is one of those friends that I sort always have a mini-torch burning -- not like I secretly wish we were together or that I'm dying to get in her bed. But I guess I could explain it as....it's almost like we're ex-lovers, and I sometimes feel like I know her intimately but not in a partner way. This makes no sense, i'm sure. I guess I'm very fond of her, and I still get an urge to "take care of her" the way I would someone I was dating or crushing on. And I have this feeling with other friends too -- like Lau___ and even Damon, in a different way. I don't know.
Anyway, we chatted for about an hour and a half, I walked her to her door (which was 5 feet away!), gave her a big hug, and then enjoyed the walk home. The weather was perfect, and I just felt like I had a great interaction with a friend. You know those moments when you can tell the relationship just got further solidified or moved to a different level?
Alright, Al___ just walked in the door with my baby nephew! Gotta go....