![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
So Melanie got me e-mail yesterday, and we'll probably talk more this weekend, but I'm glad she was able to hear my feelings. I'm still a little nervous about talking about things, but I've gotten better. It especially helped to talk to Meg last night, who rocks my world. For those who can see my little user pic, she's actually the tiny person standing in the background behind my head. Anyway, talking to her helped me sort isht out, as far as what the real issue is. Which is basically that emotionally I'm still in the faith and trust building stage of the relationship, and I'm in the middle of packing up my apartment and moving in with her -- yesterday I delivered the check for the security deposit, so it's pretty official. And since I'm dealing with this life changing activity while also dealing with missing her and trying to stay connected, I'm extra vulnerable. So I just don't have the energy and focus to deal with her having an outside experience. AND I don't have the energy and focus to creat an outside physical experience for myself. I think i was putting pressure on myself to go out and fck around while she's away because it's the optimal time. But I just can't make it happen, not even like Mariah Carey. :P So anyway, I'm trying to just keep myself calm and focused on the real issues and not get bogged down by my own anxiety.
Which means that there's basically nothing to talk about as far as what HAS happened, but I instead need to focus and what I want to happen in the future. And I need to communicate that my problems are not because I don't trust her, but just because I'm stressed and feeling vulnerable. And hope that any disappointment she has from me wanting to remain monogamous until she returns to Chicago will be outweighed by her concern for me and for us.
I also realized that part of my insecurity is that we have a "no repeat" rule because neither one of us liked the idea of the other person having a summer-girlfriend/boyfriend/in-between. So I think the fact that she sees this woman every day and they talked about having more encounters sort of tapped into that area of jealousy and insecurity. So I want to remember to talk to her about that aspect.
I know as soon as I see her things will be tons better. And I know that it's hard for us to put ourselves in each other's shoes, because our current activities are SO different from each other. And it probably hasn't really sunk in that when she returns, all of me earthly possessions will be sitting in her living room. It will take awhile before it even becomes "our" living room.
I did purchase some herbal supplements yesterday, and I think they're helping with the physical symptoms. I slept a bit better last night. Though I had a really vivid dream that I was sleeping with Melanie and did the whole "touching the pillow thinking it's her" move again. That pretty much sucks. If I'm doing that, why does it have to wake me up? Why can't I stay blissfully asleep? Oh well.
Oh, and I did a tarot reading last night that was brilliant.
1. 7 of wands (courage) reversed
2. 3 of wands reversed
3. Fool reversed
4. 2 of cups
5. Justice
6. Knight of Pentacles
7. Queen of Pentacles reversed
8. Ace of Cups
9. The Devil
10. Emperor
The outcome card is particularly interesting because it's about setting rules and guidelines for yourself -- not necessarily permanent rules or moral judgements or even fixed rules of society. But more like personal boundaries.
Which means that there's basically nothing to talk about as far as what HAS happened, but I instead need to focus and what I want to happen in the future. And I need to communicate that my problems are not because I don't trust her, but just because I'm stressed and feeling vulnerable. And hope that any disappointment she has from me wanting to remain monogamous until she returns to Chicago will be outweighed by her concern for me and for us.
I also realized that part of my insecurity is that we have a "no repeat" rule because neither one of us liked the idea of the other person having a summer-girlfriend/boyfriend/in-between. So I think the fact that she sees this woman every day and they talked about having more encounters sort of tapped into that area of jealousy and insecurity. So I want to remember to talk to her about that aspect.
I know as soon as I see her things will be tons better. And I know that it's hard for us to put ourselves in each other's shoes, because our current activities are SO different from each other. And it probably hasn't really sunk in that when she returns, all of me earthly possessions will be sitting in her living room. It will take awhile before it even becomes "our" living room.
I did purchase some herbal supplements yesterday, and I think they're helping with the physical symptoms. I slept a bit better last night. Though I had a really vivid dream that I was sleeping with Melanie and did the whole "touching the pillow thinking it's her" move again. That pretty much sucks. If I'm doing that, why does it have to wake me up? Why can't I stay blissfully asleep? Oh well.
Oh, and I did a tarot reading last night that was brilliant.
1. 7 of wands (courage) reversed
2. 3 of wands reversed
3. Fool reversed
4. 2 of cups
5. Justice
6. Knight of Pentacles
7. Queen of Pentacles reversed
8. Ace of Cups
9. The Devil
10. Emperor
The outcome card is particularly interesting because it's about setting rules and guidelines for yourself -- not necessarily permanent rules or moral judgements or even fixed rules of society. But more like personal boundaries.