Excuse me if I'm not being reverent, but I was hoping for a miracle

[raybear]

Last night I had a great dinner with Educating Esme followed by dessert and coffee and Taste of Heaven where I briefly saw cocolola, bowdownza, and the infamous "K". Afterwards I went over to freakysparks's new pad for some catch-up. I didn't get into bed until well after 2 am and yet I'm awake at 8 am and listening to some ridiculous dance remix of Xtina doing "The Christmas Song"....wait, let me skip this track.



For everyone:

Monday, November 29, 2004
The Moon is in her home sign of Cancer the Crab today, where she is powerful, yet tends to keep her deeply rooted fears to herself. We are more emotional than usual, although others may not notice. Our feelings are drawn up from the bottom of the well by a harmonious trine between optimistic Jupiter and imaginative Neptune. Insignificant events can become instrumental as we visualize the possibilities within each moment. Although dreams may not yet take form, it's a good time to let the visions flow without restraint.

For me
CANCER (Jun 21–Jul 22): With the Moon back in your sign, you are more inclined to share your feelings now with others, but you might struggle with where to stop. Go ahead and push past your walls of protection, but realize that it may be difficult to cut off the flow of emotions once they start coming to the surface.

I hate that I hate the holidays. It's so cliche. And I don't really even hate them, I actually always have absolutely loved xmas and all it's ridiculousness and earnestness and I still sort of do. It's just now I have the unfortunate association of birth family grief. For all the frustration and pain and sadness, I still miss those mtherfckers. Holiday stress and frustration started before I transitioned, but it just got worse after that. Four years ago I went to Atlanta and saw them in person -- it's the last time I've seen them face to face. The following year I waited and waited to be invited home and wasn't. The year after that I didn't expect to be invited home, but still secretly hoped for it. I know what my pattern is at this time of year: the slippery slope of feeling sad, then getting angry and wanting it to change, then plotting what I need to do to change it, then detailing what I did wrong to cause, etc. etc. Now I'm stopping at "feeling sad" -- no need to go further down the path. I've accepted that to a certain extent I will have this pool of grief in my heart on the subject that I will sometimes touch and will never go away completely, even though it's certainly small enough to live with. And it has nothing to do with my friends and lovers and real family and how I shape my life now and finding satisfaction and love from people, in fact it's completely separate and makes things worse to exchange one for the other. I have to be sad before I can not be sad.



But yeah, if you need anyone to take to that hokey holiday shindig, I'm your man.

I'm overdue for haircut, shower, and shave.

Comments

[madera.livejournal.com]

This made me teary and sad. I dont comment very often, but I just wanted to send out a cyber hug during this time. Missing family sucks. I miss who my family isnt if that makes any sense.
~A

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

after much confusion in my memory i realized it was christmas you and i spent with A&B, not a thanksgiving (which made no sense but i knew there was large meat that had been roasted, so i was confused). anyway i'm glad you'll be here near that time, and if you think that xtina song is bad, you should hear nsync sing "chesnuts roasting" or whatever the fuck that song is called.

[kneidlach.livejournal.com]

I love the RuPaul version of Hard Candy X-mas!

[raybear.livejournal.com]

how could you forget Red, the xmas pig???