Let it out. Let it alllllll out.

[raybear]

I’m a big slacker. I’m a huge slacker. I’m a huge, immobilized, paralyzed by fear and anxiety and possibility of failure slacker. I have no discipline, I fall asleep two minutes into reading a book or article, I can’t revise my own work, I panic when I sit down to write new work. My skin crawls and jerks and twitches at the thought of doing anything necessary or obligatory, whether it’s writing a check for the gas bill or answering the phone or writing my twenty-five page critical paper. I have huge guilt about all of the above which perpetuates the cycle. And I think I should have applied to cooking school instead of a graduate program in creative writing.

Now that THAT’s out of the way, let’s move on.

Last night at my meditation course, the teacher talked about what makes a good meditation sitting. “Don’t think that having wandering thoughts for most of your sitting means it’s a bad session, ” she said in her careful, even tone, then emphasized, “that couldn’t be further from the truth.” If we sit for 25 minutes and have 2 minutes of concentration, that’s good, because hey, two minutes of concentration! “Don’t make what’s unimportant, important.” Don't put all the attention on the mind wandering and then minimize the value of the goal, the concentration. I’m trying to apply this lesson to other things in my life. Don’t make the negative unimportant stuff more important than it is. But I had to get some of it off my chest first.

So I’m off to do my 2 minutes of writing my critical paper.

In Other News^TM, Henry James is GAY!?! Ok, maybe not gay in the social construct identity way, but he was enamored with several young men when he himself was an older gentleman. (I don’t mean this in the NAMBLA pedophilia way – I’m talking about guys in their 20s while he was in his 50s-60s.)

Comments

[gloeden.livejournal.com]

The first paragraph of your post?
My reality that I don't write down.
I took me YEARS to get over being unable to concentrate on projects or to finish anything effectively. And laziness is my worst and most persistent vice.
I'm glad you wrote about it in your case. I always feel strange Protestant guilt (and I'm not Protestant!) over the lack of motivation or concentration in my life.
I need a drink.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

yeah, it felt pretty freeing and shameful to write it down.
small steps. that's what i keep telling myself. big change happens more often in small steps, not lightning striking.

YESS

[ze-wallflower.livejournal.com]

me too. it's really hard for me to own up to my laziness/avoidance... maybe residual defensiveness from teachers who told me i was only an artist if (1) i woke up every day dying to create, and (2) i got around to creating.

i used to want to go to cooking school too. i don't think i can multitask or time things well enough to handle being a chef, though i'm most creative under that kind of pressure.

removing the expectation that you'll make a lot of progress every time you work sounds healthy. often my intended two-minute sessions turn into productive hours... (i hope me saying this doesn't make you feel pressure.)

Uh, yeah.

[drinkasyoupour.livejournal.com]

Your whole first paragraph? God, i love you. How many of us closet lazy slackers are out there? It does feel so shameful, there are so many times when I am practically beating my head against the wall going, "you're 32 years old. When are you going to get your shit together?" Christ. Thank you for putting that out there.

Re: Uh, yeah.

[gntlstone.livejournal.com]

::GntlStone stands up:
Hi, my name is Kris and I am a procrastinator/slacker. I do not want to be this way anymore...

I am great at the idea stage and get all excited and go at a project 110% and then lose all momentum... I have tons of stuff that i *need/want* to do, but never seems to get done...

lol, at least I don't feel so alone amymore...