raybear | That's hot.

I'm supposed to be doing schoolwork which right now involves a dirty novel all about a gay teen's sexual awakening, and I'll get right to that shortly, but first, I HAD to do

mintwaster's interview questions for me.

1. Describe your own Paris Hilton-type sex scandal. (This was the hardest question because what kind of sex would be scandalous for me?)

Okay, so like, this one night we were out partying and fcking Paris ditched out on me with Nick Carter while I was in the men's room and I was so mad but didn't follow her cause I know that's what she wanted, she's so needy that way. So I'm like, fuck it, I'm drunk, I'm kinda horny, and this blond straight trixie chick has been all up on me all night so what the fuck, we went back to her apartment. I was wigged out by all this Hello Kitty stuff everywhere and wanted to turn out the lights but she didn't want to and was acting wiggy about it but I didn't put it together until later that she needed the light for the damn camera she had hidden behind that clown pillow on the loveseat in the corner. So anyway, she's trying to go down on me, porn star style and I just wasn't feeling it and couldn't get hard, so I acted like I passed out from being drunk and went to sleep. She left the room and I creeped out the window and climbed down the fire escape. So that's why you can see my bare ass on the tape cause I didn't finish pulling and zipping up my pants until I got outside.

2. Paris Hilton's cellphone has been hacked again and this time it contains pictures of you. What are they of.

Paris paid me $500 to make out with Andy Dick while she took our picture.

Okay, it was only $50, but whatever, he's not that bad of a kisser when he's coked up.

3. Because Nicole Ritchie "knows what she did" to piss off Paris, you've been chosen to star with Paris in "The Simple Life 4". Where have you guys been sent to?

We've been sent on a world tour of sweatshops to draw attention to the plight of horrible fashion of the Kathie Lee collection that's not even worth the 2 cents a day the small children are paid.

4. You have 4 children with Paris Hilton. What are their names?

Our childrens' names are P, K, G, and E. But see, they're not pronounced like the regular letters -- they're silent letters. Hot.

5. Paris has asked you to produce her next album. Who are you going to ask to guest on it?

The songs will be produced by Timbaland, Andre 3000, Steve Albini, Bjork, Tricky, Swizz Beats, Rodney "DarkChild" Jerkins, Dust Brothers, Brian Wilson, Daft Punk, and Stephin Merritt.
Guest vocalists will include Method Man, Missy Elliot, Kate Bush, Bjork, Tracey Thorn, Christina Aguilera, Rah Digga, Busta Rhymes, Miss Kittin, Peaches, and Anita Baker.