it's that time again....

[raybear]

Shoutouts (in no particular order, and not necessarily LJ folks)

**Happy Birthday Day, J!

**Meg!. I had an awesome time last night at the Kings performance. And I almost wish we had just kept driving around last night and kept talking. Though I'm already hurting this morning from the lack of sleep! But we should definitely hang out again soon. Perhaps when I make you come over this weekend and move a few boxes. Don't worry -- I'll reward you accordingly. Oh, and check out Alex's journal -- he gives you a mighty fine shout-out.

**ALEX We missed you at the show. Sorry about the whole ordeal. Oh, and Damon said that based on his expert brief first impression, you seemed like a cute guy. Really sweet. That's nearly a quote. Yes, we should hang out more this weekend. Hanging out with you makes me a happy happy boy.

** Ridley: I just want to say congrats on getting some action. Yummy.

** Tara: Good luck with the Bjork tickets. And thanks for the ES comment. I may write more on that page, but for now I just want to point out the fact that we're both switches with interest in exploring the other side....why aren't we in the same city?? :)

** S.N.: Was I terribly annoying and/or an asshole the summer you were in Reno when we attempted to re-patch our friendship after it got damaged by the attempted relationship? Did we have a horrible time fixing things? If so, I'd obviously still say it was worth it. I'm not so sure this time around with K___. Do you think we're meant to stay friends with all lovers? Am I being too much of a lesbian? In some way, I feel my current experience is paralleling your recent developments regarding C.

** Damon. You don't really read my LJ, because it would just be repeated information. But I still feel the need to publicly say that you're an awesome hangout buddy on top of being my best friend. Glad you had fun last night and I could add to your catalog of queer experience.

** K____. You're absolutely right. I've never forgiven you. I don't think I have interest in doing it, either. Yet I still have hope for moving forward, because I trust that I will forget the things I won't forgive.

** RYAN!! Your Offspring performance was the isht. It was even funnier seeing your faggy ass on stage with that hot high femme. Sorry I didn't see you after the show. We need to hang out again, too. (And I want to hear more about camp trans.....)

** Mistress Minax. I can't believe you did PJ Harvey. Why am I so intrigued? I'm sure the magic will be gone after coffee.

** Sa___, Ai___, Le____ and Ju___: Thanks for the reminders of my past. I can't believe I saw FOUR people (who don't know each other) last night at the Kings show that I haven't seen in over a year and who have known me in various incarnations. Quite the mirror to myself and my changes. Thanks for that. And thanks for helping me feel like Chicago is my home.

** Melanie. I feel further away from you than I ever have. I can't remember anything. I'm realizing how fallible our relationship is, which scares me. I didn't realize what a fcking unrealistic romantic I was. I hope when you return you won't mind taking some extra time to woo me back. I promise it won't take much at all.
I love you very much, and in just over a week, we'll be in the same breathing space.

Comments

tank u

[idgiejs.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the birthday shout out! :)

uh, ahem...

[bias-cut.livejournal.com]

ray--

thanks for the shout outs.

as for bjork: after 10 minutes of struggling with the computer, i got us tickets on the first mezzanine -- the orchestra had already sold out, i guess!!!! but, at least we got tickets, and i will be there with binoculars and a line of drool coming out the side of my mouth.

and, yes, i am very aware that we're both switches wanting to explore the other role...blush...it is too bad that you're in chicago, but you're coming to visit dc sometime soon, right? ;)


xo,
tara

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

** S.N.: Was I terribly annoying and/or an asshole the summer you were in **** when we attempted to re-patch our friendship after it got damaged by the attempted relationship? Did we have a horrible time fixing things? If so, I'd obviously still say it was worth it. I'm not so sure this time around with K___. Do you think we're meant to stay friends with all lovers? Am I being too much of a lesbian? In some way, I feel my current experience is paralleling your recent developments regarding C.

Here's what I remember, and we all know how shitty my memory can be, and anyway no one ever remembers the same stuff about these things.

I remember breaking up and still going out with all our friends like everything was OK, which it decidedly was not. (What I learned there: Always allow for the post-relationship shit to work its way out before acting like things are fine.)

I remember being home that summer in this weird, dark depression and fucking around half-heartedly with Janet and wondering repeatedly why I hadn't met you before (my) K., when I seemed to have more faith in the ability of people to love each other fairly and well.

I remember that one week of being in Chicago before heading back to NYC and how even though I wasn't at all sure it would have been a good idea considering taking wherever it was we were headed during that incredibly intoxicated public groping at the Tina show at that sports bar to its one-would-think-inevitable conclusion. And then basically being glad we hadn't.

I remember thinking you maybe hated me when I came back from NYC, and being miserable for so long when we weren't getting along at all that winter and spring and it was like everyone thought they had to choose sides or something.

I remember having the distinct impression that these things always come in pairs, that you were mad that I hadn't fallen enough in love with you and that I was still mad at K. for the same thing and wondering if one day the stars would align.

I remember talking on the phone for like an hour, and crying with relief, and then the next week walking into some dyke dinner and you hugging me, one of those long loving hugs where you know the rest is all just shit, all just water under the bridge.

Stay friends with all lovers? I don't know. Sometimes all you really need in the middle is time, I think. When I saw K. and her boyfriend last month I was pretty childish, dragged Sab along to play gf, was cruel and vague and answered "Oh it's not that serious," as if I could have that much fun with just a trivial affair so fuck her even more, was still relieved the bf seemed such a non-threat to whatever sense of memory I'd fear would be eroded by his legitimacy in her life. And there was nothing left for us there in that foursome, whatever magic we conjured in private was dead in the water, and we haven't spoken since. And that might not last, but something is irrevocably brought into the light by knowing it.

So I don't know, with K____ or K. or any of the others.

But I remember our first conversation, about Butler and early childhood gender crises, on a wintry back porch at Andrew's party, and I count on one hand the number of people who I've ever let really love me and take care of me, and you're there for both of those. And anything that came before and all the rest I've likely forgotten don't change that for me. Won't change that.

All of it was worth it for this.

[also posting this to my page because i can't figure out how to link the two...]

yummie

[ridleymae.livejournal.com]

yes, lots o' yummy action complete with a good dose of cuddling at the end :)

rids is happy boi

[raybear.livejournal.com]

gee, thanks for making me cry at work first thing on a monday morning. ;) as you might have guessed, I hadn't read this when I called you on Saturday, otherwise I probably would have responded more then....

I remember that one week of being in Chicago before heading back to NYC and how even though I wasn't at all sure it would have been a good idea considering taking wherever it was we were headed during that incredibly intoxicated public groping at the Tina show at that sports bar to its one-would-think-inevitable conclusion. And then basically being glad we hadn't.

is it bad that I had a "date" along with me that night? the weird ass psycho blind date girl?? oh my. yeah, that night was bizarre but good and I remember thinking the exact same thing re: the ending (vs. the possible ending).

I too also learned the lesson of "don't return to normal right after a breakup". A period of not seeing each other is required, not matter how much you still like the person or want to like the person or still possess the ability to be friends.

I remember having the distinct impression that these things always come in pairs, that you were mad that I hadn't fallen enough in love with you and that I was still mad at K. for the same thing and wondering if one day the stars would align.

You know, sometimes I talk about everything in love as if they fall into 2 categories: the person I loved but didn't love me, and the person that loved me but I didn't love. The former category is occasionally deemed "the SNK experience" and the latter is "the K____ experience". For example, I was your K___ experience. And your K. was your SNK experience. :) And this weekend I talked to Damon about my fears that I was Melanie's K___ experience, because her last gf was her SNK experience so I assume that the K___ experience MUST follow, because no, the stars never align. Or so I sometimes think when I'm scared.
So in other words, yes, I too sometimes see everything pairs, but not the good kind.
But even when I flippantly use your name in vain to describe my personal experience of lost love, it's not truly what I mean when I say your name.

This is what I mean.

I remember watching every episode of X-Files in it's entirety and having long involved discussion about the cultural connotations of the plots, as we as the deep longing gazes betwen Mulder and Scully, or Mulder and Skinner, or Mulder and anybody. I remember every party I ever went to with you being a fabulous experience because we had achieved a perfect party dynamic that blended togetherness and separate exploration, with occasional drunken flirting and groping. I remember the nights of summer ending and fall beginning where I slept on the couch outside the streetlight on Sherman and we talked for hours on end about random childhood experiences that shaped us -- stories I had never told with such seriousness to anyone else. I remember plotting to storm Miss America's homecoming float with red paint and bloody handprints. I remember painting the rock and the great hypodermic needle I put on the back to go with your message about needle exchange. And I remember that you were the first person I came out to as transgender, even if I didn't realize it. And how later when I came out again, I knew you would be one of the only people in my life I wouldn't have to offer any explanation before you would say "congratulations, honey, I love you."

And yes, for me too, all of it was worth it for this.