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this is the way we take it to da house.
Cancer Monday, October 15, 2001
You might find that working requires a certain discipline and focus that you just don't seem to have today. You might really prefer to just be relaxing and having a good time in your own backyard right now. And it probably would be a good time to just enjoy a nice, quiet, relaxing evening at home with your family.
Experienced a hiccup of anxiety this morning after receiving a phone call from the clerk of the Ohio Supreme Court informing us that we were 6 copies short of the requirement, and it must be filled by 5 pm today. We are not in Columbus, Ohio, lest anyone was wondering. Luckily we have co-counsel types in the area and the problem was taken care of. BUT the problem would not have happened if I had been correct in assessing the number of copies needed. So I fcked up. Granted, the rule was extremely unclear, but I should have called the clerk to clarfiy. Granted, it's an honest mistake that anyone else could make and has made (the New York office recently had a brief bounced because the margins were wrong). And my boss seems nothing short of chipper today, and I am in no way in the doghouse.
Except with myself.
Someone recently posted about their fatal flaw. Ok, maybe not fatal. But the point is that reading about their admission of possibly, sometimes, occasionally, conceivably being self-critical has obviously pushed some buttons within myself, since I've been slightly obsessed with it. So I guess I should stand up and say it. I can be too self-critical. Yes, I still feel physical stomach pangs when remembering/re-living mistakes made from childhood. It's obviously related to my persistent desire to be right, as well as my defensive tendencies regarding my own actions.
But now I'm seeing links to my sometimes self-destructive behavior and attitudes. Like I'd rather be an unapologetic fuck-up than an imperfect person striving to complete a goal. And that is what I fear in dealing with all the big things. Career. Family. Relationships. If I can't be the absolute head-and-shoulders above the rest best person, I would rather be the worst. I can handle with 100% imperfection. But not 20%-70% (I think I'm learning to cope with being 90%, i.e. nearly perfect. Which is still completely unreasonable to expect all the time, and yet still an improvement).
Part of my difficulty in dealing with myself is the newness to my problem. I never believed myself to be a perfectionist because I didn't see myself as actively striving to be perfect. It's more that I became addicted to folks having low standards for me and therefore relatively easy overachievement. I never realized how much I crave the sense of comfort that comes with it. This is not to say that I've had a life of total ease and no struggles or problems -- not at all. In fact, probably my hesitance to address the problem of self-criticism is precisely BECAUSE my life hasn't been one of total luxury and/or privilege -- in terms of emotional and personal developments.
This is not the psychology of class and money. When I say luxury, I don't mean living in a house, being able to go to college, whatever. I'm saying that I haven't had a life with no "bad things" or "hard things" or difficulties or trauma. But I do tend to make things relative that shouldn't be -- I compare the trials in my life to those of someone in a far worse situation. For example, someone living in Kabul near starvation and getting bombed to hell and back. But that's not really a fair thing to meditate on such differences in experience when just trying to deal with my day-to-day dealings with myself.
What's the strange bit of theology that I keep remembering? Our trials in life are custom-made to fit us like a glove. (Custom-made by who is compeletely differnet bit.)
Flip-side of the coin is that I'm never a person who sits around wishing I wasn't someone I am, or was something I'm not, or that something had or hadn't happened to me. It's fruitless. And at this point, whatever HAS happened is such a part of my own experience, I have problems imaging who I'd be without it.
But again, I'm getting off point. I'm moving away from my own self-evaluation. Probably because it's too hard. I beat myself up. Hard. And often. And right now I'm not even really sure what to do about it, because trying to implement change in my behavior feels like some sort of acknowledgment that I've fucked up. Being self-critical is now a flaw for me to be critical of. A vicious cycle, eh?
This also feeds into my tendency to withdraw (or get depressed). It's similar to the "being a fuck-up" tendency. I'd rather just completely remove myself from a situation for a period of time then attempt to come back and ask forgiveness, rather than allow myself to operate imperfectly.
I am a superhero. I have a martyr complex. If I were a nun, I'd have a mother superiority complex.
You might find that working requires a certain discipline and focus that you just don't seem to have today. You might really prefer to just be relaxing and having a good time in your own backyard right now. And it probably would be a good time to just enjoy a nice, quiet, relaxing evening at home with your family.
Experienced a hiccup of anxiety this morning after receiving a phone call from the clerk of the Ohio Supreme Court informing us that we were 6 copies short of the requirement, and it must be filled by 5 pm today. We are not in Columbus, Ohio, lest anyone was wondering. Luckily we have co-counsel types in the area and the problem was taken care of. BUT the problem would not have happened if I had been correct in assessing the number of copies needed. So I fcked up. Granted, the rule was extremely unclear, but I should have called the clerk to clarfiy. Granted, it's an honest mistake that anyone else could make and has made (the New York office recently had a brief bounced because the margins were wrong). And my boss seems nothing short of chipper today, and I am in no way in the doghouse.
Except with myself.
Someone recently posted about their fatal flaw. Ok, maybe not fatal. But the point is that reading about their admission of possibly, sometimes, occasionally, conceivably being self-critical has obviously pushed some buttons within myself, since I've been slightly obsessed with it. So I guess I should stand up and say it. I can be too self-critical. Yes, I still feel physical stomach pangs when remembering/re-living mistakes made from childhood. It's obviously related to my persistent desire to be right, as well as my defensive tendencies regarding my own actions.
But now I'm seeing links to my sometimes self-destructive behavior and attitudes. Like I'd rather be an unapologetic fuck-up than an imperfect person striving to complete a goal. And that is what I fear in dealing with all the big things. Career. Family. Relationships. If I can't be the absolute head-and-shoulders above the rest best person, I would rather be the worst. I can handle with 100% imperfection. But not 20%-70% (I think I'm learning to cope with being 90%, i.e. nearly perfect. Which is still completely unreasonable to expect all the time, and yet still an improvement).
Part of my difficulty in dealing with myself is the newness to my problem. I never believed myself to be a perfectionist because I didn't see myself as actively striving to be perfect. It's more that I became addicted to folks having low standards for me and therefore relatively easy overachievement. I never realized how much I crave the sense of comfort that comes with it. This is not to say that I've had a life of total ease and no struggles or problems -- not at all. In fact, probably my hesitance to address the problem of self-criticism is precisely BECAUSE my life hasn't been one of total luxury and/or privilege -- in terms of emotional and personal developments.
This is not the psychology of class and money. When I say luxury, I don't mean living in a house, being able to go to college, whatever. I'm saying that I haven't had a life with no "bad things" or "hard things" or difficulties or trauma. But I do tend to make things relative that shouldn't be -- I compare the trials in my life to those of someone in a far worse situation. For example, someone living in Kabul near starvation and getting bombed to hell and back. But that's not really a fair thing to meditate on such differences in experience when just trying to deal with my day-to-day dealings with myself.
What's the strange bit of theology that I keep remembering? Our trials in life are custom-made to fit us like a glove. (Custom-made by who is compeletely differnet bit.)
Flip-side of the coin is that I'm never a person who sits around wishing I wasn't someone I am, or was something I'm not, or that something had or hadn't happened to me. It's fruitless. And at this point, whatever HAS happened is such a part of my own experience, I have problems imaging who I'd be without it.
But again, I'm getting off point. I'm moving away from my own self-evaluation. Probably because it's too hard. I beat myself up. Hard. And often. And right now I'm not even really sure what to do about it, because trying to implement change in my behavior feels like some sort of acknowledgment that I've fucked up. Being self-critical is now a flaw for me to be critical of. A vicious cycle, eh?
This also feeds into my tendency to withdraw (or get depressed). It's similar to the "being a fuck-up" tendency. I'd rather just completely remove myself from a situation for a period of time then attempt to come back and ask forgiveness, rather than allow myself to operate imperfectly.
I am a superhero. I have a martyr complex. If I were a nun, I'd have a mother superiority complex.