raybear | So constantly I seek it, wondering why I gotta drink a six pack to speak it

Stayed home from work yesterday because I just felt too bad. Today, I'm still sick, but chipper. Also there's not pain factor -- yesterday I had the body aches and day-long migrainish type headache. Today I'm just sniffly and a little sluggish. I need to go back to drink Emergencees every day to keep me healthy. Though my new theory is that every time my hormone dosage changes, my immune system gets compromised. Hmm.

Yesterday while staying at home on the couch, since there was no TNG marathon to entertain me, I rented two movies "Black and White" and "Chuck and Buck". The first was a movie I heard was bad, but still wanted to see and went in with low expectations. And yes, it was very bad. But I must confess that I was entertained. Bad: Lame plot, pointless plot twists, underdeveloped characters, unfinished plotlines and ideas. Good: Hodge podge of actors (good and bad), some issues of hip-hop addressed, stylishly filmed, funny moments (though possibly unintentional).
So that's my quick review. Basically, don't shell out money for this movie in any shape or form, but if you're into hip hop and it happens to be playing on television, it might be worth your while.

Second movie. Chuck & Buck. Loved it. Was not expecting to like it, because the trailer really turned me off. But I read a couple reviews at the time it came out that said it was good. Then last week, I believe Jessie mentioned seeing it and liking it, so it jogged my memory while at the video store. The main character, Buck, is very quirky, and based on the trailer, he appears so overly awkward and painful to watch, I couldn't imagine feeling sympathy for him. But in the actual movie, he's rather endearing, possibly even charasmatic, in an offbeat way. I also feared they would portray Buck as some sort of "retard" or "disabled" type person, which I never trust in movies. But really he was just sort of quicky guy who hadn't totally matured for numerous possible reasons. I also really like the character of Carlin, Chuck's wife, and how she treated the situation and acted towards Buck. For some reason I felt connected to her, or at least wanting to be connecting to her. Perhaps because I find myself being more of a "Chuck" sometimes, and appreciated her ability to be more human and open. Hmm.

So yeah, I was thinking about that on the train this morning, along with a weird unexpected conversation I had with MelRo this morning regarding stuff. I don't know why I launched into it -- I certainly wasn't planning it. It was just triggered by seeing someone on the Caller ID, then thinking about my own personal experience, then back to why I sometimes have such bitter animosity towards someone I don't know, then back to my personal experience of unrequited love in the form of a close friend (versus a faraway crush), then back to my unreasonable jealousies and anger, and I realized that when I saw things from her p.o.v., not only did I realize how over-the-top I was being in my feeling angry/jealous/threatened, but that I could also completely sympathize and even feel sorry for her, not in a pity way, but just in a feeling sorry that she's in a position I've been in that was difficult, and I felt compelled to say something even though it's not completely my business -- maybe a tiny tiny bit my business, but not enough to warrant having a right to advise, so maybe I shouldn't have said anything but I couldn't help myself. So yeah.

And that was the longest. run-on. ever.

So yeah, sometimes I forget how sensitive I can be and how much I can absorb things around me on others' behalf. And I can have this huge capacity for understanding and love and ability to 'forgive' people for being imperfect. But then I sometimes don't turn those things on myself. Or if I do, I then become hard on other people, with unreasonable expectations and reasons why they suck as human beings. I call these periods "losing my humanity", and it's a weird defensive tool I've sort of developed, I guess. I tend to be so self-critical and angry at myself, that the only way I can not be those things is to instead turn my ire on others. Anger=insecurity. I guess that's why I'm so angry at my (birth) family all the time.