Finally, like Cece Peniston
Nov. 1st, 2001 01:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raybearThis morning I woke up before the alarm went off. But not in an annoying way -- more like my body just got done sleep so I arose. MelRo was awake too, so we stayed in bed for awhile talking and shtuff. Between last night and this morning, I feel like it's the weekend and I'm completely confused as to why I'm at work. Then Li__ called in sick this morning, so I've been doing phones and such. I was also extremely productive and mailed off lots of bills today. I then had lunch with Damon where I deconstructed his life over fried chicken. Well, not exactly. But he's still trying to figure out what up with him and this girl. I'm like, this has been going on for two freaking years, man. You need to either move on and be just friends, or be direct and upfront. At this point nothing is going to "just happen". The only time "just happens" is in the beginning when folks are still trying to figure out how they feel. Just be upfront and direct. There will probably be no "accidental kiss" after 2 years.
I haven't gotten an e-mail from my parents. My new song I'm humming is "my parents suck and I hate them....la la la....." I guess it's not that new. Let me also explain for a second why I'm frustrated. I don't even care that much if they're scared/freaked out/grossed out/disgusted/frustrated by me and my tranny life. I mean, yes, I care, but that's not what upsets me. What upsets me is that they aren't being upfront. I wish they would just fucking say "we don't want to see you" rather than just ignore me. I'm tempted to write an e-mail saying "since I didn't hear from you, I went ahead and made other thanksgiving plans", but then they'd get all hurt and mad like they always do when I assert myself. So instead I"m going to play the sad reactionary card. So if(when?) they say that I'm welcome to join them for thsnkgiving, I'll be like "oh, I wish you had told me earlier. I didn't hear from you, so I assumed you didn't want me to come, so I took someone else up on their offer," and then be all sad about their rejection of me. In other words, call them on their shit (i.e. silence). They get so weird about me being direct, but I refuse to "drop hints" or sit around waiting for them. So I'll just be direct about the other things in my life I can control, and then just react to whatever it is they throw at me based on my other life decisions. I no longer have the energy to instigate conversations/situations with them. So in conclusion....they suck. And that's my professional opinion. And yes, I'm happy to express such anger at them. And no, I don't feel this way permanently or constantly. And yes, I am allowed to have standards for them. And no, I'm not going to give them any more free passes when they don't meet these standards. Hell, the standards are hella smaller than my standards for everyone else in my life.
Hmm. That was an unexpected rant.
Tonight I have nothing planned. And I'm happy about that. Riley, if you're up for something lowkey, drop me a line. I should be home around 6ish.
Right now I have to talk a minute about my girlfriend-equivlanet. Obviously, it's weird because she's reading this. But that's okay. It won't hurt.
There might be a lot of differences between us. We have different realms of experience that we draw from, and that affects how we react to things now. I don't understand everything about her. And I try really hard to resist temptations to "fix things". I do think it's important that we work hard to make sure we're both satisfied and getting our needs fulfilled. But part of me wants to be challenged as well. And maybe I want to challenge her and maybe pull her out towards me. I hope that's okay. I certainly don't want to be domineering, nor do I want either one of us to change in a way that we don't want. I don't want to control or be controlled. I want it to be more about growth and change, hopefully moving towards each other. And I don't know exactly how to do it. And I don't want it to happen right away (not that it would even if I wanted).
She's changed my perception of intimacy as well. I have a level of physicality with her that I've never had with anyone else except in a sexual context. So even though it's sometimes hard to have the two things separated when trying to move from one sphere to another, I also like that they aren't automatically linked.
I still get tongue-tied. And I get scared because I think it means there's no trust. But I realized that it's more of a sign that things are still "new". I still get nervous about her reactions -- beacuse I still want her to like me. That sounds weird and immature, in regards to our relationship. But what I mean is that those feelings of nervousness indicate I'm not taking her for granted.
I think we moved really quickly to the plane we're at now. And to be honest, I don't mind camping out here for awhile and getting really acquainted with things before we go any further. I still have a lot to learn.
I haven't gotten an e-mail from my parents. My new song I'm humming is "my parents suck and I hate them....la la la....." I guess it's not that new. Let me also explain for a second why I'm frustrated. I don't even care that much if they're scared/freaked out/grossed out/disgusted/frustrated by me and my tranny life. I mean, yes, I care, but that's not what upsets me. What upsets me is that they aren't being upfront. I wish they would just fucking say "we don't want to see you" rather than just ignore me. I'm tempted to write an e-mail saying "since I didn't hear from you, I went ahead and made other thanksgiving plans", but then they'd get all hurt and mad like they always do when I assert myself. So instead I"m going to play the sad reactionary card. So if(when?) they say that I'm welcome to join them for thsnkgiving, I'll be like "oh, I wish you had told me earlier. I didn't hear from you, so I assumed you didn't want me to come, so I took someone else up on their offer," and then be all sad about their rejection of me. In other words, call them on their shit (i.e. silence). They get so weird about me being direct, but I refuse to "drop hints" or sit around waiting for them. So I'll just be direct about the other things in my life I can control, and then just react to whatever it is they throw at me based on my other life decisions. I no longer have the energy to instigate conversations/situations with them. So in conclusion....they suck. And that's my professional opinion. And yes, I'm happy to express such anger at them. And no, I don't feel this way permanently or constantly. And yes, I am allowed to have standards for them. And no, I'm not going to give them any more free passes when they don't meet these standards. Hell, the standards are hella smaller than my standards for everyone else in my life.
Hmm. That was an unexpected rant.
Tonight I have nothing planned. And I'm happy about that. Riley, if you're up for something lowkey, drop me a line. I should be home around 6ish.
Right now I have to talk a minute about my girlfriend-equivlanet. Obviously, it's weird because she's reading this. But that's okay. It won't hurt.
There might be a lot of differences between us. We have different realms of experience that we draw from, and that affects how we react to things now. I don't understand everything about her. And I try really hard to resist temptations to "fix things". I do think it's important that we work hard to make sure we're both satisfied and getting our needs fulfilled. But part of me wants to be challenged as well. And maybe I want to challenge her and maybe pull her out towards me. I hope that's okay. I certainly don't want to be domineering, nor do I want either one of us to change in a way that we don't want. I don't want to control or be controlled. I want it to be more about growth and change, hopefully moving towards each other. And I don't know exactly how to do it. And I don't want it to happen right away (not that it would even if I wanted).
She's changed my perception of intimacy as well. I have a level of physicality with her that I've never had with anyone else except in a sexual context. So even though it's sometimes hard to have the two things separated when trying to move from one sphere to another, I also like that they aren't automatically linked.
I still get tongue-tied. And I get scared because I think it means there's no trust. But I realized that it's more of a sign that things are still "new". I still get nervous about her reactions -- beacuse I still want her to like me. That sounds weird and immature, in regards to our relationship. But what I mean is that those feelings of nervousness indicate I'm not taking her for granted.
I think we moved really quickly to the plane we're at now. And to be honest, I don't mind camping out here for awhile and getting really acquainted with things before we go any further. I still have a lot to learn.
