raybear | Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day.

Last night was sort of a wash, and I went to bed super-early. I basically got into bed at 8pm, read for about an hour or, but then stopped pretending and just closed my eyes. I think I just slept lightly until Melro turned out the light around 10:30. And I pretty much slept until my alarm at 7:25 am. Yay for 9 hours sleep.

But then I attempted to shower this morning and there was no hot water. I was very angry. And couldn't skip, since it had been quite some time since I last showered.....so I decided to do the sponge bath thing in the sink, and heated up some water on the stove. And the fcking container broke. It was fcking Pyrex!! They used to advertise that isht as unbreakable! From freezer to oven, or something. Maybe I'm just delusional. But it was weird that it broke before it even got really hot. And it wasn't in the freezer -- it was in the dish drain. Oh well. So aynway, the whole clean-up process took so long that I wasn't able to eat breakfast or prepare a lunch. So when I got to work, I drank an Emergencee and ate some leftover halloween candy. The breakfast of champions.

Tonight is my "date" with the boy. I'm not that excited...maybe I'm still a little numb. But I am intrigued. Luckily he doesn't seem to high-maintenance or anything. Like, I don't have to put on any act, which I might feel compelled to do if I was feeling really insecure myself and really wanting someone to like me. I mean, sure I don't want him to think I'm a horrible person or a troglodyte or anything. I don't know -- I'm not explaining this very well. I guess after my experience this summer (the failed blind date), I don't want to put all my ideas and interests and possibilities into one guy, simply because he's a guy. And maybe I feel a little bit bad, like I'm sort of "using" him because he's a bio-fag. Though to be honest, there's no using going on yet, since it's not like he's agreed to anything beyond a drink! And neither have I for that matter. I definitely don't think it's as bad as the guy this summer though -- I had NOTHING in common with him, and didn't even necessarily like him that much (though it's not like we talked that extensively on the phone), but as my friend Da__ pointed out to me at the time, despite my claims otherwise, "not just any cock will do". And he was right -- my fantasy/desire for some sort of dream fag experience is way different then the actual manifestation. So I decided to stop trying to so hard. Perhaps why I then turned my interest back to women -- because it was comfortable and something I was sort of good at.

So I guess my ideal situation is that we get along well and maybe hang out once or twice a month as buddies and maybe occasionally we fool around, but nothing serious, just playful. Or maybe even we just fuck once or twice and I'll "get it out of my system", and then we'll just be friends. Or not friends. Though I do like the idea of hanging out with another geeky faggy boy. Especially once who isn't a hardbody or skinny-androgynous or whatever. I wouldn't call John a "bear", but he's certainly very thick and sexy. Funny how I love curves on both women and guys. But anyway, that's not the point. Well, I guess it sort of is, otherwise I wouldn't have wanted to go out with him.

Anyway, I'm just not going to stress to hard and I'm just going to play all of it by ear -- coming out as nonmonogamous, coming out as trans, coming out as wanting to shack up....ha -- since I'm still trying to figure out what I want. Basically I don't want anything that's going to totally shake up my current life, with which I'm very happy and satisfied. Maybe that's a scary truth I need to face -- maybe I'm too lazy to be nomonogamous.