raybear | Keep your hands where I can see them -- don't make me nervous.

kisha made a post recently about feeling bad about her "inappropriate" sexual desires etc. etc. which was sort of a funny coincidence since I was thinking this morning about how I often fantasize while masturbating about objects of desire that in a non-masturbatory context would totally freak me out. Not so much activities -- I have a pretty easy time owning up to sex acts and desire for sex acts and whatnot, and don't view too many sex acts as weird and inappropriate. But I'm talking more about the actual people I think about. Like I'll think about people that I'm not really sexually attracted to at all and have no desire to engage in any sort of sexual activity, and there often people that I would NEVER own up to thinking about. Obviously, it's probably the whole "forbidden" aspect that makes it hot for me. I do often get turned on and repulsed by the same thing -- what's that about? Possibly why I like trashy porn -- it's so gross and unrealistic and awkward and strange.....and it gets me off almost every time.

I usually like having a fantasy life that's completely the opposite and extremely removed from my real sex life. But every once in awhile I think about how someone told me they never fantasize about actual people because they almost feel like they're violating them.

Or maybe just violating a copyright law for unlawfully using someone's likeness without permission.

Today I'm trying to feel all renewed and being very productive at work. It's sort of working. It helps that I'm drinking coffee. And it helps that Today is Thursday and tomorrow is Friday and I'm only working until noon tomorrow. Short-term goals are more realistic.

Had an interesting tarot reading last night -- lots of pentacles and wands. Things fit perfectly into place for what I'm going through, regarding the juggling of creative energy and trying to make a big change in my life.

Also had a thoughtful and good conversation last night with Li___ regarding art and academia and the whole right-brain, left-brain phenomenon. She often says things about academia and criticism that sorta bother me, but I never really engage her in a discussion, so this was the first time I actually pushed her to explain more about what she meant, as well as articulated some of my own thoughts on the matter. Especially since my goal is to actually be a full-time artist, in a sense. Hell, even my dry recording enginerring textbook I was reading last night talked about the 'artistry' of being a sound engineer.

So -- a week from now is fcking Thanksgiving!! How'd it arrive so fast? What's that about? Now I'm extra mad at my parents for not e-mailing me. But again, relieved. Now it's THEIR fault that they aren't seeing me for the holidays, and not mine. Though in their mind, it's probably MY fault that I'm not coming home for the holidays because I'm trans. I just think I'm SOOOoooo special because I'm traaaaaans. Trans this, trans that. Special, special, special, Mr. Trans. It never ends.

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you know, i usually think aobut odd things when i'm masturbating. things that aren't even sexual... like what i have due for class the next day, and what i need to get at the store when i go...

what does that mean?

It means you're not concentrating. ;P

but... i am! i always get off... i guess i'm just multi-tasking.

i've never really been one to fantasize. when i actually do concentrate on the actual tast at.. erm.. hand (no pun intended), i just concentrate on how it feels. no one else is ever involved.

am i weird?

naw, you're not weird. well, at least not for THAT reason.

i'm freakshow in a good way!

Ray! I thought *I* was "special, special, special Mr. Trans" But I guess, since we have so much in common, it's ok if we are BOTH Special Mr. Trans. And, btw: I actually only celebrate Thanksgiving BECAUSE I'm trans. Whoa! (if you think about it too long, your brain will go soft)

Speaking of soft...
I understand what you mean about masterbation imagery that you don't want to own up to in real life. And, I totally feel ya on the part about fantasy being really far adn really more exaggerate than real life. I tend to do that too. I guess that's why they call it fantasy, eh? Perhaps I only feel this way cause I'm SOOOOoooo TRAAAAAaaaans?

SOOOoooTRAAAaaans,
Special Mr. Trans

PS: doesn't that sound like a hit dance show for trans people--like SOOOooul TRAAAAin but it's SOOOooo TRAAAaaans! I'll let you be the DJ if I can be the host. Whaddaya say, Ray?

Keep your hands where I can see them -- don't make me nervous.

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SOOOoooo Special cause I'm TRAAAaaans!