raybear | identity

limenal is currently in the middle of her exam. Poor limenal.

I feel that 80% of the cold virus has left my body, but I still have a very nasty cough that won't leave me alone. My chest hurts.

But enough chitchat. It's time for some major revelations.

I have a horrible irrational phoba that has developed in the past year or so, and I've been trying to deal with it on my own, but without much success. So now I need to come out about it, and perhaps in the light of day, I will be struck by my own silliness and therefore able to conquer the issue.

I fear lesbians.

"What? Is he pulling our leg? That's ridiculous! I'm a lesbian and we're friends. (or, I know for a fact he has plenty of friends who are dykes!)"

This obviously has nothing to do with anyone personally. You're right -- many close friends of mine are dykes and I love them and have absolutely no problems whatsoever. In fact, it never even crosses my mind.
And yet, the feeling seems to persist in certain situations.

There are several possible reasons for my phobia (yes, yes, it's all a rich tapestry).
1. Anticipation of them rejecting me for being a "defector"
2. Fear that I actually AM a defector
3. Previous relationship with a lesbian who didn't handle my trans thing so well. Also, fear that any relationship with a queer woman would end with her "going back to being a lesbian".
4. Feeling trapped between not wanting to be a "straight man" but also not wanting to be a butch lesbian with a beard
5. Feeling rejected because I don't really fit in with lesbians anymore, and it was once a community with which I feel closely aligned
6. Fear of "selling out" by queer and feminist 'credentials' because I'm interested in cock

Now, I have logic that I combat each of these fears with.
1. No lesbian has ever actually called me or treated me as a traitor or defector. In fact, my supposed quasi-lesbian-separatist friends have been super-supportive and loving. And if someone does in the future, it is NOT representative of anyone but herself.
2. Yeah, maybe I am a defector. But that's because it wasn't a perfect fit. Can one truly defect from something you weren't completely? (I sort of feel like I was a really good dyke and did a good job, but it was only a 75% fit. Assuming I would have been a bisexual dyke...)
3. That was one person. An individual who does not speak for a whole community. And to be honest, there's always a risk in every relationship that I will be left for someone else. And it doesn't necessarily matter who I get left for -- it pretty much hurts regardless, and it's just a honest risk of being in a relationship and loving someone.
4. Just the struggle of being seen accurately. This is not lesbian-specific.
5. Some of this is just grieving that might need to happen. But part of this is romanticization and ideation -- I wasn't completely enamored with every lesbian I met, nor every aspect of the lesbian community. Just like any other group of people, or people in general.
6. Hello? How many hetero women did you teach that fucking men and being a feminist weren't mutually exclusive? How many awesome male feminists do you know? And it's still pretty subversive to be a queer transguy who loves both men and women and all their various forms of expression. I am not some mysogynistic person who hates my female body and all things female in general -- quite the opposite. I'm probably 70-80% attracted to women. And it's also pretty "feminist" to be a wussy bisexual guy.
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And yet.....feeling irrationally threatened still manages to surface occasionally.

I guess in some ways it's not different from a certain amount of defensiveness I experience around heterofolks and gay men. I guess I'm just familiar with being outsiders in those groups. I'm still not used to being an outside among lesbians. And I've only just recently managed to find other folks that aren't neat incarnations of heteros, lesbians or gay men. But we're still way outnumbered.