If you don't know, now you know.

[raybear]

I'm such a sensitive boy. I'm not saying this as a proud proclamation. I mean that I take things more personally than I should, I read too much into statements, reactions, and interactions, and worst of all, I seriously consider for a moment whether this person's perceived judgment of me is correct. It's one things if I just became mildly hurt then moved on, and I don't even mind temporarily reassessing to make sure I have gone into territory I didn't intend (the Land of Bastards and Assholes), but I hate the immediate insecurity that this person is "right" in deeming me somehow "bad", in whatever incarnation that may take (annoying, stupid, offensive, dorky, geeky, pretentious, obnoxious, etc. etc.).

But I digress.

Sort of.

Last night I hung out with limenal, Da Man, my friend Ku___ who I haven't seen in awhile, and we watched a double-feature of "Friday" and "Hannibal". Not a planned double-feature. We were just going to watch Friday, but Ku___'s new possible boyfriend came over and he had a rented copy of Hannibal that was a day late and needed to be watched. So we obliged. I'm glad I was a little drunk. It wasn't terribly scary or suspenseful, just gross. And in the end, I'm not completely convinced it was worth losing two hours of my life. But it wasn't miserable to view and had some entertaining portions, I suppose.

Julianne Moore did an okay job, but of course, I'm madly in love with her AND I think she's an extremely talented actor. She also managed to make me completely star-struck when we walked past her in the Village last April and I nearly bruised MelRo's arm while attempting to communicate that I had briefly been within 2 feet of her before crossing the street, but I couldn't even remember her name.

And for some reason last night it made me think about a previous recurring fantasy I'd construct with various folks (usually movie/TV characters who's part disappointed me in whatever I was watching), where I was being the sort of best friend/fuck buddy of this solitary intense woman and I was the only person allowed to see a certain side of her. I wasn't the one running around saving her life, but I was the only one she fall into bed with, and eventually she would come around to realizing how important I was to her and we'd live happily ever after, etc. etc.

Wait, why am I talking about this? Maybe because last night I was thinking about how it makes for great movie pathos or even dramatic entertaing fantasies, but in real-life it sucks ass. Maybe because I'm not the person in the fantasy -- I can't just sit back and be "taken for granted". Though in the storyline, I have this zen attitude and knowledge that she'll realize the "truth" eventually and I have no problem waiting. I've spent time waiting in real-life and it's not very zen-like. And I was also wrong -- folks DONT usually just wake up and realize that the perfect person has been sleeping next to them for awhile.

But what do I know. Especially about relationships and love and who I am and what I want. Every day I learn more, but also learn how much more I don't know. So I feel I'm learning less.


P.S. I got an e-mail from my parents. They sent me an amazon.com gift certificate for christmas.
P.P.S. I'm leaving work in an hour for the holiday luncheon/belated summer outing. I plan on kicking co-workers' asses at air hocky. Maybe even break a finger or two.
P.P.P.S. I got to meet Infamous Ex last night. I was pretty impressed with how the encounter went, but she's a bit of a strange one, so it might not ever be quite the satisfying ending for which MelRo hoped. But I'm very proud of her!

Comments

[angeltrouble.livejournal.com]

julianne moore once came into restoration hardware in santa monica while she shopped near my store,when i was working, because a friend that worked on boogie nights told her i was a giant fan. she just walked in and said, "are you peaches?" at first i didn't even recognize her. i thought she was just a gorgeous red random redhead. she's so delicate in real life. they have to put a lot of makeup on her cause she's so delicate is the best word. and i'm like "yes! i'm peaches." and she was like "____[our friend] told me to say "hello" if i'm ever in this store. so i'm saying "hello!" and i was like "hey." cause i recognized her FINALLY. "OMG. how is _____?" because i didn't know what else to say. hahah. "is this really a hardware store?" she asked touching something next to me. "oh no, it's just called that to make yuppies feel handy or something." and then she laughed. and i got to hug her and when she left she said, "nice talking to you peachie."

i can't believe i never wrote about this in my journal. maybe i did a long time ago.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy that she was so nice! Not the typical celebrity-turns-out-to-be-the-world's-biggest-prick story.

And I agree about her fairness and fragility. So short. And thin and delicate. I pictured her as taller and fair and lithe, but not skinny or bony. But real-life is never as good as the imagination.

Re:

[angeltrouble.livejournal.com]

i totally thought she would tower over me. she was barely taller than me. and SLIGHT. but gorgeous. yeah she's a very nice person. she one of the few celebs i've never heard anything bad about.