waking life

[raybear]

I am now obsessed with lucid dreaming.

And for some reason, writing that word made me flash back to a bizarre memory of being in wearemany's room in an apartment from our previous lifetime and typing something on her little mac (perhaps the Miss America letter?) and her saying "i love making heading phrases 'bold, italics, underline'. i want to make everything in 'bold italics underline'." and I agreed. A strange memory to not only have but also to suddenly conjure up accidentally.

I already knew I loved my dreams and dream-thinking. But now there's the possibility of control and awareness and deeper levels of appreciation and new levels of consciousness, and I can taste the possibility which has so much excitement, how could I not at least try?

So I finally redeemed my parents gift certificate to me, which included my Presto multi-cooker, the game Encore, the video Best In Show, and now a book entitled "Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep". I also want "Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming". I tried to get both books from Borders (to use a gift card -- in general I shop primarily at independents), but most stores were out of them. I decided to only order one book online (delayed gratification), and try to find the other today on my lunch hour or after work (instant gratification). Phone calls must be made. I need a fix now.

And so goes my typical obsession-behavior.

This feels a little different. It's not just plain ole movie-obsession. This seems to have the potential in uniting previous interests with curiosities and desires for something new. I could conceivably unite my current search for new spiritualities and meditation activities with this new idea of lucid dreaming, which is building off and existing life-long interest in my dreams and dream interpretation. I'm also better researched -- I'm not going to fall off by getting the quickest, easiest or cheapest information solely because I need instant gratification. I've been down that road before, and I end up owning or spending time on mediocrity. And I'm only going to get 2 books -- not 5 books, two magazines, 8 articles, and 20 websites. If I get too overwhelmed, I'll give up. So only two books -- one more science-y and how-to, and one more spiritual and historical.

Comments

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

go insta-learning curve. i love that shit.

and i never cease to find it amusing how we remember different things about each other. different memories. i believe you when you say i said that though i have no recollection. so my belief is about trust and not memory, and when i tell you i remember something you do the same. and which of that is most true?

everything should be bold, italics, underline, apparently. i can get behind that.

thetruth.com

[raybear.livejournal.com]

the combined memories of each is probably the most accurate account, though maybe not the entire truth. i think it appropriate that we hold different things -- but more than just half, since there's a lot of overlap of what we remember as well. maybe we each have 60%. and there's probably a significant slice that neither one of us remembers.

some days i'm overwhelmed with piles of small insignificant memories. this is one of those days.

do you remember watching a TNT movie with Helen Hunt as a small town sheriff?

i remember having a conversation with my mother on your phone in your old room, playing hopscotch among the clothes on the floor.

i remember cooking dinner for us (marinated chicken and rice -- i can even remember the marinade itself....) while Danny was in the next room and he wondered if we were having a date and i was trying to figure that out myself.

i remember being on the phone with KR and staring in the long mirror by your closet and trying to explain to her that instead of having a rib removed i wanted a set of ribs added to elongate my torso. she thought i was insane. so i neglected to also share my desire to have my breasts removed so my white shirts would lie flat on my chest.

i remember box wine in your fridge and the only form of ketchup was in packets from fast food restaurants.

i could go on....or even change venues of the memories, to my apartment or dorm rooms from years before.....but i don't know why everything is so vivid and it starts to seem a little pointless. nostalgia does serve a purpose for me at times, but i don't want it to lose its potency by overusing it.

and to quote you, "see you in a couple days".

Re: thetruth.com

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<ljuser="circusgirl">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<ljuser="circusgirl">sent me this, for a story I'm working on:

<i>"I'm sick. It's very late. No, no. It's fine. I've been waiting for you. It's just I'm sick and it makes me feel even further away from everybody. Leaf? Are you well?"

"Yes."

"Tell me. How well?"

There was silence. "I'm not remembering. I'm forgetting your face."</i>

Which is funny, cause it's supposed to be about something else entirely but it keeps making me think of you because sometimes the face and body that goes with my old memories are new. Ish. Newish. So it's the strange momements of dissonance, like you in a dress in a photo from your brother's wedding, that stick out. I don't know if that makes sense. In my head you mostly haven't changed at all -- you laugh at the same things, even if it's lower. And somewhere I started replacing this new photo of you over the old one, so I forget that I didn't always know your name was Ray. I think maybe I knew. I feel like that was always true.

I remember Helen Hunt. Remember whichever Sister it was (Sela? Swoozie?) and the dad from My So-Called Life?

I remember you helping me on with my coat after painting an hourglass on my back. I remember you had pockets to carry my keys, and my lipstick, and my money. I remember that made me feel safe. You held the door and I held your arm and I remember thinking that none of that made me feel like the right kind of lesbian but it was right, anyway.

I remember "I'm not bisexual but my girlfriend is." Hee.

And I remember (I think?) a painting or drawing on your wall and thinking it was of me. And never asking. Was it?

Hmmm. The slippery slope of nostalgia.

Very few days!

"When Husbands Cheat"

[raybear.livejournal.com]

I believe that was actually Patricia Kalember (aka Georgie from Sisters) with the dad from My So-Called Life. I don't think we watched it as the same time, but I remember you telling me about it.

Yeah, there was a drawing of you.

And yeah, sometimes I put Raymond in the past too. Think of how freaked out I was when I saw that photo of us on your mantel in New York -- it was a bizarre construct of myself. Leave it to impatient ole me to have past life experiences before I even die.

Re: "When Husbands Cheat"

[milosh.livejournal.com]

you two are fascinating.
but aside from that, my friend jon (from etown and yale) and some of his boy-friends watch "sisters" every friday afternoon. it's a ritual, and i think it's beautiful! (and hilarious) they even applied to be an official yale undergraduate organization, in order to get funding for their snacks. funny, right? ok, see you soon, ray!

Re: "When Husbands Cheat"

[raybear.livejournal.com]

I have seen every episode of Sisters at least three times. It was highly influential to the development of my intellectual and emotional self. Seriously.
I must come to Yale and hang out with your friends on Friday afternoon!

And what time should I come over tomorrow?

Re: "When Husbands Cheat"

[milosh.livejournal.com]

oh! yes, you should come to yale, we would have oh so much fun :P as for tomorrow (today), though, um, whenever! i mean, i am hanging out w/abby early in the day and then my buddy arnoldo in the afternoon, but i think both might occur in etown, in which case you could come here whenever after work. i am at your disposal ;)
heh heh
hope you dont dispose of me, myles

[ridleymae.livejournal.com]

ooh! lucid dreaming rawks! a friend of mine was telling me about it and i was like, "hey i've done that since i was young." i had no idea anyone else did or that you could devleop and use it. have fun!

Ridley

[raybear.livejournal.com]

I've had it happen a few times, but I definitely want to hone my skills more! And I highly recommend the movie to you as well.

[torreycanyon.livejournal.com]

I can often 'edit' my dreams while I'm in them.. if I don't like what's happened, I'll do it all again, my way. And if I wake up mid-dream, I can often get back to sleep and pick up the dream from where I left off.

I'm not sure this is lucid as such, but I certainly feel I aware in my dreams.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Supposedly there's a difference -- folks can control their dreams, but not necessarily be lucid, or be lucid but not able to control them.

I guess I'm hoping to achieve both!

[freakysparks.livejournal.com]

Is there anything that you want to lucid dream about? Like, a goal? Or just to learn how?

[raybear.livejournal.com]

The book I ordered online (and told you about last night) talks a lot about the spiritual bents to lucid dreaming, and I'm intrigued by that aspect. And sure, there are a few 'shallow' obvious ones I'd like to have (flying, sex), but I think it's also about exploring levels of consciousness and reality.

But no, there's not one specific goal or a dream dream, so to speak.

[hissyfit.livejournal.com]

see vanilla sky. it's relevent. :)

[raybear.livejournal.com]

nope. no, thanks. sorry. i refuse to see that movie. :)

Re:

[hissyfit.livejournal.com]

:( why?

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Because I've heard nothing by horrible things from friends who've seen it and have similar movie taste to me.

Because I've read harsh reviews by critics who's previous writings I trust.

Because I pretty much hate Tom Cruise anyway, and can only stand to see him if the movie is so brilliant that it outshines his attempts to tarnish it (i.e. Magnolia). When I first saw the ads, I thought it might be worth suffering through his performance, but now his narcissism and bad acting will probably drive me mad.

Because I hate movies with "surprise endings" that are unable to be figured out for yourself because no clues are left and some of them are flat-out wrong and/or impossible (the major complaint in most reviews). That's fake cleverness and insulting to audience intelligence.

Because I've already seen Mulholland Drive, Memento, Waking Life, Lost Highway, and every Hitchcock movie. And I'm pretty sure they were all better than this.

I might rent the original at some point.

I should reiterate from a previous post -- I'm an ass sometimes. :) But you asked!

Re:

[hissyfit.livejournal.com]

wow. harsh. good thing i think you like me. *laugh* i'm glad you have your argument well-prepared. i like that in a debate. i would counter in like fashion, but i really have no argument other than i just pretty much liked it (even though i hate tom cruise, cameron diaz and penelope cruz...). i see your point.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Hey, don't worry -- I definitely like you. :)

And it's not really fair since I haven't seen the movie, so I can't truly debate with you whether it's good or great or crap or whatever. That would be even WORSE if I was arguing with you and I hadn't seen it! I'd like to hear why you liked it actually -- and don't worry about "spoilers" or whatever. Maybe when you're in town next week!

Re:

[hissyfit.livejournal.com]

yes! and perhaps i will drug you and steal you away to the theatre. ha!