Viva Hate.
Jan. 11th, 2002 04:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raybearI'm listening to a mixtape at work that has songs by Morrissey and The Cure and I'm remembering being in the passenger seat of blue 1983 Honda Accord. The backseat is memories of late childhood, when it was my mom's car and often "the family car". For some reason I actually don't have as many vivid memories of this, whereas I have several specific moments from the orange-brown Oldsmobile era of the family car, which pre-dates the Accord. Strange.
But anyway, in the late 80's, my mom acquired a Buick (our last American car ever purchased) and my brother inherited the Honda. Hearing these songs makes me think of summers and christmases. We weren't particularly close in age or emotionally, and most of the times I rode with him were after summer youth group or around the holidays when he was home from college. Most of these car rides were silent, except for the air from the open windows and the music blaring. The Cure, U2, R.E.M., The Smiths, Indigo Girls, Driving-N-Crying. My brother had pretty good taste and was an early influence.
I remember when my brother got a speeding ticket and my father forbade him from seeing his girlfriend. He already was limited to seeing her twice a week, since they didn't approve of him dating someone so much younger. Granted, he was almost 5 years older than her, but she was very mature and he wasn't. The night he got yelled at for speeding, I remember him slumped over the kitchen weeping and sobbing. I stood by him with my hand on his shoulder, unable to say much except "I'm sorry" and "yeah, Dad is an asshole". I think he cried for at least 10 minutes. I remember leaving the room and coming back and standing next to him some more. I also remember getting infuriated on his behalf at what a prick my father was.
I just realized that my brother turned 30 on christmas day. I didn't get him a present or a card. He didn't send me anything for my birthday in the summer. He didn't even send me a birth announcement last March when his daughter was born. I haven't received any communication from him in almost a year. Two years ago at this exact time, I was in Utah and he was buying my ribs in celebration of me getting the job offer (of my current job). It was a restaurant where the dining room was set up with pioneerwagon-shaped booths, surrounded a fake campfire complete with cheap natural history museum actual-sized figurines of settlers and tumbleweeds and coyotes. I loved it, and they knew I would appreciate the kitsch. And the food was actually tasty. He bought me a lot of food that week. He took the whole week off from work. I have strange associations with that trip, like the album Hardcore by Lil Kim, because I bought a used copy. I also finally found an original copy of Jay-Z's Reasonable Doubt. My brother had no idea who these people were, but he seemed to appreciate how pleased I was with my finds.
My brother's not a bad guy. He's just quiet.
Most times I'm tired of housing animosity. I don't enjoy being angry and upset with my family. But it's easier to experience those emotions instead of hurt and disappointment. I don't feel I can't even let myself feel sadness, because then I've 'let them win'. I have to be self-righteous and indignant or something. And I guess I am to a certain extent. But it's not much fun. So sometimes I give myself permission to reminisce and feel connected to people I don't know and who don't know me. Because there is a connection of shared memories, if nothing else. If absolutely nothing else. Not even love.
This post will probably be mistaken for sadness or depression or anger or hatred or disappointment. In reality it's mostly just memory, with a touch of melancholy. But not even that much. I've never written some of these things, and I just felt I needed some sort of record.
But anyway, in the late 80's, my mom acquired a Buick (our last American car ever purchased) and my brother inherited the Honda. Hearing these songs makes me think of summers and christmases. We weren't particularly close in age or emotionally, and most of the times I rode with him were after summer youth group or around the holidays when he was home from college. Most of these car rides were silent, except for the air from the open windows and the music blaring. The Cure, U2, R.E.M., The Smiths, Indigo Girls, Driving-N-Crying. My brother had pretty good taste and was an early influence.
I remember when my brother got a speeding ticket and my father forbade him from seeing his girlfriend. He already was limited to seeing her twice a week, since they didn't approve of him dating someone so much younger. Granted, he was almost 5 years older than her, but she was very mature and he wasn't. The night he got yelled at for speeding, I remember him slumped over the kitchen weeping and sobbing. I stood by him with my hand on his shoulder, unable to say much except "I'm sorry" and "yeah, Dad is an asshole". I think he cried for at least 10 minutes. I remember leaving the room and coming back and standing next to him some more. I also remember getting infuriated on his behalf at what a prick my father was.
I just realized that my brother turned 30 on christmas day. I didn't get him a present or a card. He didn't send me anything for my birthday in the summer. He didn't even send me a birth announcement last March when his daughter was born. I haven't received any communication from him in almost a year. Two years ago at this exact time, I was in Utah and he was buying my ribs in celebration of me getting the job offer (of my current job). It was a restaurant where the dining room was set up with pioneerwagon-shaped booths, surrounded a fake campfire complete with cheap natural history museum actual-sized figurines of settlers and tumbleweeds and coyotes. I loved it, and they knew I would appreciate the kitsch. And the food was actually tasty. He bought me a lot of food that week. He took the whole week off from work. I have strange associations with that trip, like the album Hardcore by Lil Kim, because I bought a used copy. I also finally found an original copy of Jay-Z's Reasonable Doubt. My brother had no idea who these people were, but he seemed to appreciate how pleased I was with my finds.
My brother's not a bad guy. He's just quiet.
Most times I'm tired of housing animosity. I don't enjoy being angry and upset with my family. But it's easier to experience those emotions instead of hurt and disappointment. I don't feel I can't even let myself feel sadness, because then I've 'let them win'. I have to be self-righteous and indignant or something. And I guess I am to a certain extent. But it's not much fun. So sometimes I give myself permission to reminisce and feel connected to people I don't know and who don't know me. Because there is a connection of shared memories, if nothing else. If absolutely nothing else. Not even love.
This post will probably be mistaken for sadness or depression or anger or hatred or disappointment. In reality it's mostly just memory, with a touch of melancholy. But not even that much. I've never written some of these things, and I just felt I needed some sort of record.
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no subject
Date: 2002-01-12 09:19 am (UTC)if i feel hurt or abandoned by my family, which i usually do
but the times when i let myself remember the good, or even, beautiful memories helps too
helps me remember how far i've come