raybear | I'm coming out.

I am an asshole. I'm narcissistic, self-righteous, and condescending. And sometimes catty and critical and perhaps even borderline abusive.

Just not all the time.

Other times I'm completely sensitive and sympathetic and empathetic and compassionate and sweet (and fuf). Most times I just try to be humane and fair about everyone's experience. But what happens when I'm feeling particularly compassionate and I'm with someone who isn't being so kind? Sometimes I do the exact opposite of what I'm feeling and act obnoxious. I yell at someone to be more understanding. Hmm. Not the best tactic. But I'm working on it and have improved. (I'm even getting better at not beating myself up about it after the fact.) I might think back on a conversation and think 'wow, I was acting a little snotty towards that person for not knowing who wrote that song. I shouldn't be so rude. I'm glad they still like me anyway, and next time I will be much kinder in my educating.' Then I just try and do it.

Sure, I'm entertained by folks who are bitter and sarcastic and overly clever -- and I can often engage in similar behavior. But more recently, I've found I get bored and anxious by people who are that way all the time. I'm definitely attracted to people I sometimes deem "wholesome": Folks who are genuinely positive and sensitive most all the time. Occasionally this is paired with naivete, but not always, and you'd be mistaken if you thought so. Sometimes folks are just wholesome based on their lack of experience, and I'm not as drawn to that, because I can't relate. It's too late for me. I can't embrace that perspective, because I've already experienced so much and it would be unhealthy, if not impossible, to act ignorant and blissful. I'm more impressed by people who have experienced the same as the jaded, and yet somehow, they're not.

But what I hate are people who are self-righteous in their 'sensitivity'. Who are judgmental towards people who are being negative. I find this to be extremely hypocritical and self-indulgent. And I try to remember this whenever I have an opportunity to catch myself from doing it. Of course I do it too. I previously mentioned my narcissism, which includes a need to self-indulge.

I guess the word I'm skirting around here is "shame". Noun. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace I have a pretty well built-in system for shaming myself. In fact, mine's probably on overdrive at times. So I don't need some self-righteous person inducing more it in the name of "being kind" or "being sensitive".

I could say nothing specific drove this post, but more accurately, many many small incidents over the past couple days inspired it.