how very buddhist of you, Cary.

[raybear]

He's not exactly Mr. Blue, but then again Salon.com isn't exactly the Salon I used to like. Now I just glance at the AP wires and read the gossip column or book review. But this caught my eye.

Is this all there is?
By Cary Tennis

Jan. 29, 2002 | Dear Cary,

I'm 28 years old and I've been dating a 27-year-old woman now for almost a year. I'm in love with this woman and she's in love with me. We have fun together, we laugh, we spend lots of time together. Everything seems great. The only problem is I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with her.

We're just too different in so many important ways, and I don't feel the deep emotional connection with her that I know I should be feeling because I've felt it before with other people. So here's my dilemma: How do you break things off with someone when there isn't anything overtly wrong? We never argue, we have fun, we have great sex, but I really don't see us having a future.

FYI: this problem came into full relief after I met someone recently who sort of made me remember that there are people out there who I would be more compatible with. Nothing happened or will happen with this person, but it was an important realization for me.

Wanting Too Much?

Dear Wanting Too Much,

When the future arrives, it often seems just like the present, only a little later. So she might fit just fine into your life in the future, because it will seem so much like the present. But of course that future will also have its future, and you might be afraid that when the future of that future comes, she will not fit into it well at all. And yet when it comes, she fits in fine, because it's so much like the present. And so it goes.

So why not give the present a try? It is new, it has just arrived and it is relatively inexpensive. It is available for your inspection at any time.

You say, "I really don't see us having a future." I love that. Of course you don't see yourselves having a future because you're busy having a present. You know that silly thing they say in recovery places: How do you know that the moment is a gift? Because it's the present!

But really, to live a carefree and happy life it is necessary to rigorously interrogate your own assumptions about reality; then you may see that this "future" you want to be practical and realistic about is nothing but a linguistic mirage caused by the shimmer of words in the heat of worry.

But then, after all that rigorous interrogation of your assumptions, if you really have to break up with her, you don't need a good reason. Just say the relationship is too damned good and you can't stand it so you're breaking up with her because you love her and everything is fine. That'll show her.

{/salon article}

Soon I will be finally mailing Ridley's mixtapes off in the mail, and then meeting a certain handsome gay boy rockstar for lunch. I will give him an extra hug for you.

And apparently I have no money. Or won't after all these checks clear. Or at least until the 15th of February. But if something happens and I have to bounce a check (which luckily always gets cleared and I just take it up with a fee from the bank), it won't break me and it's the first time I've done it in almost 5 months and will hopefully be the last for awhile. Maybe my fiscal responsibility is the change my horoscope was talking about. I must readjust my current good habits to permenantly adjust some longterm better habits.

Comments

[stuey.livejournal.com]

very interesting. and funny. but funny in a *hey-i've-had-those-same-thoughts* way. embarrassing, kind of. but cary makes a good point, i think. a very good point.

on the other hand, why be in a relationship that you feel isn't going to be long-lasting? is it a waste of time, even if you're happy for the time being and having fun? or does not seeing a *future* make the present not as fun and delete any happiness you may feel?

can people really just stop thinking so much? i don't think i can, though i'm working on it...

interesting. i may be thinking about this the rest of the day. thaanks. :)

[masscooper.livejournal.com]

I dunno...my last relationship was one that I didn't see a "future" in. We certainly weren't going to be together for a long long time as far as I could see, but we were good together, functional, happy, and not too...deep. That was fine. But I guess if I had been looking for serious it wouldn't have been. I wouldn't have wanted to get together with Holly if I didn't see a future--not necessarily forever, but a long future. If you want to be that serious with someone and you're not, it's hard to reconcile. If you don't want it particularly, I don't think it's a waste of time to stay in a relationship that isn't serious in that sense. Just my opinion, of course.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

it's really hard for me to be in a relationship if i don't have some sort of vision of the future, or it being 'long-lasting'. but i think the point he's trying to make is that the future is always changing, and sometimes our idea of the future is based on something we don't have in the present. which means we can also re-shape our vision of the future based on something we have in the present.

i'm sort of in a similar place now with this -- not that i'm having feelings of breaking up with melro because i 'don't see a future' -- but more that i'm unsure of what i want in the future or how she or we fit into it, and i'm perfectly happy not thinking about it right now. but sometimes i feel panicky because i don't KNOW how it's all going to turn out. but then i have to stop myself and say it's okay that i'm not ready to be married and i can still have a succesful relationship that might lead to a marriage-type equivalent, but i don't need to make it something it's currently not.

i can never make myself stop thinking. but sometimes i can make myself start acting which helps quiet down the thinking.

[masscooper.livejournal.com]

Hey, I know we didn't say for sure, but I won't be able to make dinner on Thursday, it's my mom's birthday. Duh. But soon!

Sarah

[raybear.livejournal.com]

perhaps next week then!