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raybearA good friend of mine from high school, Nawaz, used to always say "I forgive, but I never forget". He was truly quick to forgive people for wrongs against him. And he also supposedly never forgot. While I understood the basic principle behind the idea (once bitten, twice shy; once, shame on you, twice, shame on me; etc.), I would sometimes argue that he was in danger of never truly forgiving the person if he kept the memory too close to the front of his conscious.
I have a hard time doing either. Well, I have a hard time doing either consciously. Some wrongs against me get forgotten quickly and easily, and then even if I do happen to remember months or years later, I almost feel embarassed for the person and what they did against me, and I quickly try to forget the incident again. Some wrongs against me I forgive easily, without even trying. I don't necessarily realize something wrong was done against me, because I forgive them so effortlessly and automatically.
Then other times the task seems impossible. And I even recognize how outrageous my behavior has become regarding the matter. It's ridiculous that I still burn a torch of anger or misgivings or hurt that blazes at the same magnitude as when it was first lit. It's bizarre that I can still nearly have a panic attack when thinking about the injuring activity. And most importantly, it's fucking hypocritical. Because I have no understanding towards others if they haven't forgiven or forgotten something I've done. In reality, I'm probably just mad at them for not shutting up their feelings, since that's what I have the common courtesy to do. (Why can't you repress like I do??)
But there's a fine line between being open and honest about lingering ridiculous feelings for the sake of being truthful and hopefully feeling, and picking at a wound ridiculously until I nearly pass out from the pain. I fear crossing that line any time I open my mouth to confess feelings something I "shouldn't" (whatever should means when it comes to feelings).
I'm also hypocritical in my benevolence. I can sometimes be the first person to say to someone else: no feelings are wrong or unnatural or bad -- it's only how you act on them or deal with them. But then I deal with myself with a bizarre combination of self-righteousness and shame. I will be haughty and unapologetic with my rage, but unwilling to adequately deal with the feelings since I shouldn't have them in the first place.
Then I wonder if I'm too cavalier with others who struggle with complex feelings. Probably. Since I'm that way with myself.
I'm not sure how to consciously forgive someone. I know how I person acts who's forgiven someone, so I just tend to emulate that behavior. Sometimes it works. Sometime it doesn't. Forgetting works too. But I don't want to just sit around waiting for the alotted months or years to pass, so I can move forward. By that time it's too late -- things have moved forward without me.
I did a google search on Nawaz and found out he's in engineering grad school. I also finally tracked down Dave's contact info. I want to e-mail them both soon. With the former, I hope he hasn't forgotten me. With the latter, I hope he'll forgive me for all the tiny things. Maybe finding relief in older smaller forgotten memories will alleviate grief from more recent rage I'm housing towards people who've hurt me.
I have a hard time doing either. Well, I have a hard time doing either consciously. Some wrongs against me get forgotten quickly and easily, and then even if I do happen to remember months or years later, I almost feel embarassed for the person and what they did against me, and I quickly try to forget the incident again. Some wrongs against me I forgive easily, without even trying. I don't necessarily realize something wrong was done against me, because I forgive them so effortlessly and automatically.
Then other times the task seems impossible. And I even recognize how outrageous my behavior has become regarding the matter. It's ridiculous that I still burn a torch of anger or misgivings or hurt that blazes at the same magnitude as when it was first lit. It's bizarre that I can still nearly have a panic attack when thinking about the injuring activity. And most importantly, it's fucking hypocritical. Because I have no understanding towards others if they haven't forgiven or forgotten something I've done. In reality, I'm probably just mad at them for not shutting up their feelings, since that's what I have the common courtesy to do. (Why can't you repress like I do??)
But there's a fine line between being open and honest about lingering ridiculous feelings for the sake of being truthful and hopefully feeling, and picking at a wound ridiculously until I nearly pass out from the pain. I fear crossing that line any time I open my mouth to confess feelings something I "shouldn't" (whatever should means when it comes to feelings).
I'm also hypocritical in my benevolence. I can sometimes be the first person to say to someone else: no feelings are wrong or unnatural or bad -- it's only how you act on them or deal with them. But then I deal with myself with a bizarre combination of self-righteousness and shame. I will be haughty and unapologetic with my rage, but unwilling to adequately deal with the feelings since I shouldn't have them in the first place.
Then I wonder if I'm too cavalier with others who struggle with complex feelings. Probably. Since I'm that way with myself.
I'm not sure how to consciously forgive someone. I know how I person acts who's forgiven someone, so I just tend to emulate that behavior. Sometimes it works. Sometime it doesn't. Forgetting works too. But I don't want to just sit around waiting for the alotted months or years to pass, so I can move forward. By that time it's too late -- things have moved forward without me.
I did a google search on Nawaz and found out he's in engineering grad school. I also finally tracked down Dave's contact info. I want to e-mail them both soon. With the former, I hope he hasn't forgotten me. With the latter, I hope he'll forgive me for all the tiny things. Maybe finding relief in older smaller forgotten memories will alleviate grief from more recent rage I'm housing towards people who've hurt me.
nawaz
Date: 2002-03-02 09:04 am (UTC)Re: nawaz
Date: 2002-03-02 10:15 am (UTC)maybe i used to argue back with you so I was the one who said "forgive but don't forget".
damn. i can't believe i fucked that up!