the man who wasn't there.
Mar. 14th, 2002 10:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raybearIn Which Raymond writes several short updates on minor and major matters.
It would appear that I've not wasted loads of time online since there are very few posts. But you'd be wrong.
Last night I had some initial breakthroughs with the mpc and really got my hands dirty. Or my beats dirty. Whichever. I'm hoping to get some good ones saved, and then add them to my future-webpage as some nice little wave samples. Though I should probably build the website first. One step at a time.
Damon came over and fooled around with the machine some, which was cool, though there were definitely moments when I wanted to just stay hunched over and get absorbed in my work while ignoring he was there. But that would be pretty boring to watch, so I let him have a couple turns on the drum pads. A good sign, I suppose, this eagerness. And probably better to temper it, so I didn't expend it all in a 12 hour session and then walk away for several weeks.
I think my boss is working on my review right now. That makes me nervous.
The night before MelRo left, I discovered something about myself. Apparantly I do have problems with intimacy. For some reason, I've been walking around in the world for past several years thinking I was one of the few folks I know who didn't -- instead I was just having delusions of adequacy. And it's not so much that I have "problems with intimacy" as its having problems discussing the difficulties with intimacy and what ways I want and need to be pushed and expand. I don't really have any insights regarding this right now. But I thought I should maybe right it down as proof to myself as a later date, so I don't just trick my mind into believing it was some anomaly and I'm back to being adequate.
I hate that I have so little real experience, knowledge, or example for real-life relationships. Everything is built on songs and movies and TV shows. Sometimes books. Books often get closer to the real-thing, but unfortunately most the books I've read detailed fcked up relationships. So perhaps I at least have some starting points for what I don't want -- but I knew that already. I think.
I think I'm pretty smart about what relationship "is" or could be. And what it shouldn't be. But what I'm discovering I lack is the ability to know exactly what I want it to be. And ways of going about making it. I'm not totally fumbling around in the dark -- I think I've done okay for myself so far, and right now I think I'm in an excellent place. To start. Something. I don't know what.
I'm in no rush. I don't feel compelled to figure out in the next week what I want in the next year. I just want to figure out what I want in the present and stop living so much in the possibility of the futures.
I guess just because I don't cling to movies like Pretty Woman or Sleepless in Seattle for my image of the ideal doesn't mean I'm don't have hopelessly romantic notions about whatever other dark realistic images I prefer. Hubert Selby is probably a bad model to have in that department....
It would appear that I've not wasted loads of time online since there are very few posts. But you'd be wrong.
Last night I had some initial breakthroughs with the mpc and really got my hands dirty. Or my beats dirty. Whichever. I'm hoping to get some good ones saved, and then add them to my future-webpage as some nice little wave samples. Though I should probably build the website first. One step at a time.
Damon came over and fooled around with the machine some, which was cool, though there were definitely moments when I wanted to just stay hunched over and get absorbed in my work while ignoring he was there. But that would be pretty boring to watch, so I let him have a couple turns on the drum pads. A good sign, I suppose, this eagerness. And probably better to temper it, so I didn't expend it all in a 12 hour session and then walk away for several weeks.
I think my boss is working on my review right now. That makes me nervous.
The night before MelRo left, I discovered something about myself. Apparantly I do have problems with intimacy. For some reason, I've been walking around in the world for past several years thinking I was one of the few folks I know who didn't -- instead I was just having delusions of adequacy. And it's not so much that I have "problems with intimacy" as its having problems discussing the difficulties with intimacy and what ways I want and need to be pushed and expand. I don't really have any insights regarding this right now. But I thought I should maybe right it down as proof to myself as a later date, so I don't just trick my mind into believing it was some anomaly and I'm back to being adequate.
I hate that I have so little real experience, knowledge, or example for real-life relationships. Everything is built on songs and movies and TV shows. Sometimes books. Books often get closer to the real-thing, but unfortunately most the books I've read detailed fcked up relationships. So perhaps I at least have some starting points for what I don't want -- but I knew that already. I think.
I think I'm pretty smart about what relationship "is" or could be. And what it shouldn't be. But what I'm discovering I lack is the ability to know exactly what I want it to be. And ways of going about making it. I'm not totally fumbling around in the dark -- I think I've done okay for myself so far, and right now I think I'm in an excellent place. To start. Something. I don't know what.
I'm in no rush. I don't feel compelled to figure out in the next week what I want in the next year. I just want to figure out what I want in the present and stop living so much in the possibility of the futures.
I guess just because I don't cling to movies like Pretty Woman or Sleepless in Seattle for my image of the ideal doesn't mean I'm don't have hopelessly romantic notions about whatever other dark realistic images I prefer. Hubert Selby is probably a bad model to have in that department....
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-03-14 10:37 am (UTC)now, while i never had any "delusions of adequacy"
because i know just how not well i do intimacy
this still manages to be the biggest hangup: problems discussing the difficulties with intimacy and what ways I want and need to be pushed and expand
it's just so hard. in real life, i hardly ever talk, and almost never about myself. even when i really really love a person (friend or otherwise) it takes me a lot to do it.
it's so much easier to type things than to speak them for me.
and this fabeled website of yours need to get up soon my friend. you just keep on teasing us!