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Apr. 2nd, 2001
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Apr. 2nd, 2001 12:27 pmHere's part of it. (An excerpt from an e-mail that I posted, part of a larger discussion.) I HATE this so much. I put so much energy into that fucking post!!
For a "test case" this is actually fairly perfect in the non-monogamy department, since there was no actual sex involved, and she said she was thinking about the whole time, and that she basically halted it escalating towards sex because she didn't really want to have sex with S___ -- she was just sort of turned on in the moment. (I suspect this might have also been heightened by alcohol consumption.) We talked about it in the afternoon, and I talked some about my feelings of jealousy and whatnot, but said that for the most part I'm okay and I don't hate her or mistrust her or feel betrayed. And truthfully, I really don't. If anything, I just feel sort of....inadequate. Which is sort of strange. Since she often reassures me that I'm the best lover she's had, and not just technique-wise (oh, ego?), but in more of an intimacy-sense. Anyway, after talking about it, we basically chatted and cuddle some on the couch, then went in her room and fucked. And I must confess that I definitely was thinking some about this other person while it was happening, in a sort of like weird possessive way, like "ha! i'm doing more with her than you did!" very strange, I know, but you know how random thoughts just pop in your head? anyway, the sex was good and comfortable, and i think it was good that we did that after talking about the incident.
oh, going back a bit, when we were first talking about it, she brought up us changing our policy, because i was maybe now wanting to be monogamous. and i said, no, i definitely don't want to change it. because if we were "monogamous" than a minor incident like what happened to Melanie could have been a lot more complicated -- like she would have freaked out because she had "cheated on me", and might not have told me about it all. and if she had told me, i might have felt betrayed, lied to, etc. etc. Anyway, during this whole first discussion, i was thinking very realistically about things, and was thinking alot about me being in the exact same position and what i would have done. and I know I would have done the EXACT same thing, if not more. i.e. if i was in bed with some i was comfortable with, feeling a little drunk and turned on, i might have actually had sex and not de-escalated the situation. so anyway, we had sex, took a nap, spent the evening together, things were fine, and then right before bedtime, when we were sitting around talking to her roommate, i suddenly became obsessed thinking about the incident. before we went to bed, i asked her if she's the one who instigated it. she said that because it sort of happened in the midst of sleeping, it was either mutual or the other person instigated it. i'm not sure why i needed to know. i think i had this weird idea that if this woman was the seducer, it wasn't as bad -- like Melanie just got sucked into it, so to speak. which is a stupid thing to think, but sometimes one can't help thinking stupid things, right? i know part of the problems i'm having is that this sort of happened at a weird time -- we've been together 3 1/2 months, and i think we're sort of moving out of our first honeymoon stage, i.e. everything isn't heavily influenced by pheramones. there's actually some negotiation that goes on.
and i've been thinking a lot about how i feel about her, what i'm capable of, what i want, etc. etc. -- probabaly stemming from talks of possibly living together and whatnot. personally, i just am also concerned with how to make things work and last -- i don't think K___ and I successfully negotiated past this stage, so the next year was spend playing out negative patterns that were set early on. so in a lot of ways, i feel like with Melanie i'm moving into uncharted territory, relationship-wise, which is nerve-wracking enough for me, and i think it's influencing how i'm dealing with this first test of our non-monogamy. i know that if i were to go out and have a sexual encounter RIGHT NOW, it would not change how i feel about her whatsoever, either emotionally or physically. but i think i'm having problems trusting her to do the same. and it's not because she isn't trustworthy -- she's proven herself again and again that she is. it's based on my own insecurities.
it's funny, because i just read this quote from one of the gay guys who was the first to get married in the Netherlands, and he talks about the difference between having real fidelity versus monogamy, and how they aren't the same thing. i need more reminders like that. i also need to challenge my inner cocky gay boy who says things like "she can sleep with whoever she wants -- i know she'll come come back to the best!"
______________
I also talked about my fears about entering into a phase of depression and how i had this big emotional release last night that was good, blah blah blah blah but now i'm took fucking annoyed and angry to re-create my previous thoughtful writings. Fuck you livejournal.
For a "test case" this is actually fairly perfect in the non-monogamy department, since there was no actual sex involved, and she said she was thinking about the whole time, and that she basically halted it escalating towards sex because she didn't really want to have sex with S___ -- she was just sort of turned on in the moment. (I suspect this might have also been heightened by alcohol consumption.) We talked about it in the afternoon, and I talked some about my feelings of jealousy and whatnot, but said that for the most part I'm okay and I don't hate her or mistrust her or feel betrayed. And truthfully, I really don't. If anything, I just feel sort of....inadequate. Which is sort of strange. Since she often reassures me that I'm the best lover she's had, and not just technique-wise (oh, ego?), but in more of an intimacy-sense. Anyway, after talking about it, we basically chatted and cuddle some on the couch, then went in her room and fucked. And I must confess that I definitely was thinking some about this other person while it was happening, in a sort of like weird possessive way, like "ha! i'm doing more with her than you did!" very strange, I know, but you know how random thoughts just pop in your head? anyway, the sex was good and comfortable, and i think it was good that we did that after talking about the incident.
oh, going back a bit, when we were first talking about it, she brought up us changing our policy, because i was maybe now wanting to be monogamous. and i said, no, i definitely don't want to change it. because if we were "monogamous" than a minor incident like what happened to Melanie could have been a lot more complicated -- like she would have freaked out because she had "cheated on me", and might not have told me about it all. and if she had told me, i might have felt betrayed, lied to, etc. etc. Anyway, during this whole first discussion, i was thinking very realistically about things, and was thinking alot about me being in the exact same position and what i would have done. and I know I would have done the EXACT same thing, if not more. i.e. if i was in bed with some i was comfortable with, feeling a little drunk and turned on, i might have actually had sex and not de-escalated the situation. so anyway, we had sex, took a nap, spent the evening together, things were fine, and then right before bedtime, when we were sitting around talking to her roommate, i suddenly became obsessed thinking about the incident. before we went to bed, i asked her if she's the one who instigated it. she said that because it sort of happened in the midst of sleeping, it was either mutual or the other person instigated it. i'm not sure why i needed to know. i think i had this weird idea that if this woman was the seducer, it wasn't as bad -- like Melanie just got sucked into it, so to speak. which is a stupid thing to think, but sometimes one can't help thinking stupid things, right? i know part of the problems i'm having is that this sort of happened at a weird time -- we've been together 3 1/2 months, and i think we're sort of moving out of our first honeymoon stage, i.e. everything isn't heavily influenced by pheramones. there's actually some negotiation that goes on.
and i've been thinking a lot about how i feel about her, what i'm capable of, what i want, etc. etc. -- probabaly stemming from talks of possibly living together and whatnot. personally, i just am also concerned with how to make things work and last -- i don't think K___ and I successfully negotiated past this stage, so the next year was spend playing out negative patterns that were set early on. so in a lot of ways, i feel like with Melanie i'm moving into uncharted territory, relationship-wise, which is nerve-wracking enough for me, and i think it's influencing how i'm dealing with this first test of our non-monogamy. i know that if i were to go out and have a sexual encounter RIGHT NOW, it would not change how i feel about her whatsoever, either emotionally or physically. but i think i'm having problems trusting her to do the same. and it's not because she isn't trustworthy -- she's proven herself again and again that she is. it's based on my own insecurities.
it's funny, because i just read this quote from one of the gay guys who was the first to get married in the Netherlands, and he talks about the difference between having real fidelity versus monogamy, and how they aren't the same thing. i need more reminders like that. i also need to challenge my inner cocky gay boy who says things like "she can sleep with whoever she wants -- i know she'll come come back to the best!"
______________
I also talked about my fears about entering into a phase of depression and how i had this big emotional release last night that was good, blah blah blah blah but now i'm took fucking annoyed and angry to re-create my previous thoughtful writings. Fuck you livejournal.
