(no subject)

This weekend we had weather that was typical of June in Chicago -- warm, breezy, sunny, clear. It was almost too much, and I'm somewhat grateful that it's back to typical April weather -- in the 50's. I like summer and all, but I get very overwhelmed and nostalgic during the changing of the seasons. And it's way too early in the year to be feeling that yet.

Yesterday I was working on my state tax form, and needed a hard surface to write, so I grabbed an old journal/blank book. Then I started looking at some of the artwork in it and reading the random entries. One 3-page entry was from the day after my father got really upset and mad at me about being a lesbian -- he didn't want me bringing my girlfriend of the time home, and said crap like "we've been devastated" and "we want no part of it" etc. etc. Pretty painful stuff, but not quite as painful as reading my words and promises to myself to not let them control me and not let me blame myself for there thoughts and actions. Something I'm going through AGAIN right now. So it was a little disheartening to think that I'm in almost the exact same place 2 years later -- I think I might have been a bit disappointed in myself. But in actuality, I'm NOT in the same place -- it's just the same place in the cycle. And all the factors are a lot different, so I know the outcome will be different as well.

Other interesting entries from 2 years ago involved my analysis of my relationship with K___ -- I was struggling with my fears related to long-term commitment as well as thinking about planning around each other after graduation (which I was nearing at the point of the journal entry). I write about how "one week I'm ready to buy rings, and the next week I wish I was single -- perhaps I need something in the middle". Unfortunately, I didn't really do that in real-life -- I kept aspiring to be this committed partner. I also write about how I think it's just fears about commitment, etc. etc. It's unfortunate that I distrusted my instincts and decided to overanalyze myself into believing I was commitment-phobic. BUT, the good thing about re-reading this somewhat cringe-inducing chapter of my life is the realization that my instincts were RIGHT. And furthermore, until I re-read this passage, I didn't REMEMBER having this internal debate so early on in the relationship with K____ (about 4 months or so). Melanie and I are just shy of our 4-month anniversary, and a day hasn't gone by were I wished I was single -- I've been happy to be with her everyday. And I think it's because I don't go around thinking "I'm in a relationship" -- I go around thinking "I'm in love with this awesome person I want to spend a lot of time with".

I told Melanie about the journal entries last night, and she was really grateful -- not only for sharing, but I think perhaps for the comments it makes on our current situation.

As a side, related note, Melanie told me on Saturday night that if she goes to U of C, she thinks she'll commute because she wants to live in a part of the city like Lakeview (non-residential), and that she wants to do what would make her the most happy, and she thinks living with me would make her the most happy. I was quite take aback by this. I know this isn't a completely 100% solid concrete plan, but it's the first near-affirmative thing said in the decision-making process. And it made me happy. There's still a possibility she's go to NYU next year, which would be exciting. I don't want to go into those possibilities yet, but we are visiting the campus on Friday. So I'm sure further talk on the topic will ensue.

Back to work -- a brief is due on Wednesday, and I have to get the cover done, among other things.